The beauty of maternity leave

Today I woke up at 10:30.
I won't lie to you, I'm conditioned to see a number like that flashing on the clock and feel an immediate sense of panic. OMG, surely I've slept through something and in the very least I've missed what could have been the most important portion of the day. But then I remind myself of the difficulty baby had sleeping last night, how much of the night was spent "sleeping" on the couch because the only thing to make baby stop crying was her swing. So lucky me really. I got to sleep in.

Typically sleeping isn't terrible since we started co-sleeping. Once baby starts stirring in the middle of the night, I just turn her and put a boob in her mouth and she goes right back to sleep. This makes the whole procedure relatively easy, as I am able to sleep (well relax) while she nurses. This is a far cry from the days where nursing meant sitting straight up, getting the boppy, making a boob sandwich with one hand while holding my baby with the other, making it such a fiasco of a process that undoubtedly baby would wake up and we'd have to start nighttime all over again. Yes, we've come far.

Which reminds me, does anyone else's baby GRUNT as much as mine does? Her middle of the night wakeups now have become one big gruntfest, so bad that I've actually caught my husband covering his ears up with a pillow! If her grunting is any indicator of how much she will talk, then we've got ourselves quite a little talky talkerson on our hands.

While getting up at 1030 is all well and good, I have to remind myself that I go back to work on August 3rd. That was deliciously far away for so long, but sadly, it's not so anymore. Sure it will be nice to make money and to do things that are outside of the role of "mommy". But the idea of missing portions of her life is heartbreaking to me. Fortunately I'm only going back half time. But going back to work reminds me that I really must start thinking of a sleep schedule. Or at least attempting to initiate one. At some point. Sleeping in until 1030 doesn't fly so well when you have sick patients that need you.

Anyway, look at the time. It's almost noon. I suppose I ought to start the day.

What we did today

Today I have a whole list of errands I need to do, none of them ginormous or anything...things like go to the post office, go to the store. But there are about 5 things on the list. FIVE THINGS!

Being a new mom does make me extra cautious, and leaving the house now requires factoring in so many variables. Is it too hot? Is it naptime? Can I get this done before the next feeding? Stroller, sling or carseat? Will the baby be fussy? To have 5 things to do is borderline overwhelming. So far a trip to the post office has equalled "what we did today". I know. Kind of pathetic.

I need to start sucking it up and rejoin the world. Yes, it will be a huge hassle. No, it will never be time efficient. Yes she may be fussy in public. Yes I may have to breastfeed away from the house. But there is a growing list of things that need to be done and I suppose I ought to start getting to it. We've been in a fine little cocoon here in new baby land. Time to check out the rest of the world!

Bringing dorkiness to a new level

Hey if you can't make fun of yourself than you'd be crying a whole lot.....

queenbloggy...adventures in miscellany is CHANGING

I've thought long and hard about this and here's the thing: my life is not filled with miscellany anymore. I don't have fun and random quips to share about miscellany, and if I do I'm sure I can circle them right back around to where this blog is inevitably headed. Queenbloggy...adventures in motherhood.

I was a little naive going into this mommy business. I thought that yeah, life will change, sure, that's fine. But I'll still be the same Summer, the same fun, fit, quirky girl that I've always been.

WRONG.

With baby comes a new identity. Who am I kidding? This little tiny awesome baby is literally the focus of my life now. And the craziest thing is that for this little person, I am the most important person in hers. And that is very serious business. And yes I'm up for it, but am I the same? Hell no. Am I okay with it? Well, that's a silly question.

So let me just say that I love and adore my perfect little daughter. This is indisputable. But this mama has lots to say about what's happening to ME. Lots. So expect more posts.

I don't have tons of readers, and I may lose some by declaring this blog mommy-friendly, but I don't care. I can't hide the truth: I'm a mommy now.

Welcome to my new blog.

Are you supposed to love breastfeeding?

Ok, yes it is definitely neat that my body makes milk that I can give my baby. I like that I can nourish her with milk that has everything that her little body needs. That is really awesome! (I also like the fact that it's made from the FAT in my body. Keep it coming!)

But there are times, oh yes there are times, when I do NOT like feeling like a cow. As adorable as her little head is on my boob, I would be lying if I said that I didn't some times dread feeding time. And yet it keeps on coming. again. and again.

Hard to believe that these milk-producing sand bags used to be fun little sex toys. If any lay-person could see me now as I go about my day there jaws would be on the ground. Look at Summer, as she cooks her meal, as she vacuums the floor, as she brushes her teeth. Just please don't mind that her boobs are hanging out, laying out of the perfect little hole these fun nursing bras create. (What's the point in covering them up when they're just going to be whipped out for baby's enjoyment in a moment's time?) And what is this crazy machine that she has strapped to her boobs so often throughout the day? The one with the little funnels on the end that suck suck suck your nipples up to drain the milk? It's the breast pump but be careful, you can become mesmerized with watching the humungous nipples being sloshed up through the plexiglass. Very, very sexy.

And if you're visually impaired you will still experience the beauty of being around a breastfeeder. The sour milk smell seems to be a part of my personal cologne now. These bad boys have even started leaking (a new phenomena for those that know I was once milk supply challenged). You may not be able to see the stains on my specially modified shirts, but you sure as hell can smell them!

Oh yes, breastfeeding is a hoot.

Just cause

They tell you things will change...and they were right.

Mike, Ellie and I just enjoyed a much needed weekend away. We went to Keystone and stayed in a fabulous condo and went to the World Music Festival. It was great...so nice to know that there is actually a world outside of our house. But as we enjoyed the weekend I couldn't help but notice how much things had changed for us. At this stage of parenting, there is just so much we can't do. We couldn't bike. Hiking was tricky. I couldn't drink because I'm breastfeeding. Where I would normally be dancing and having a grand old time in the sun at the festival, I found myself hovering in the shade to protect Eleanor's precious, always sleeping head. I remember looking over at Mike, as we sat in our shady spot, him doing a crossword puzzle, and thinking how far away we were from where we were last summer and the things that we did. Truth be told? I was kind of bored.

None of this is to complain. I wouldn't trade anything for Eleanor. I look at her and my heart melts. Even when she's fussy beyond belief and we are at our wit's end...she still lights up my heart. Sometimes she falls asleep on my chest and I sit and notice how my heart could literally burst with love for her. There are no words for that.

But the the differences in our lives are very evident. Our social networks are changing. I'm consistently late. Getting out the door is quite the fiasco. Finding time to workout is tricky at best. Spontaneity is not a word we use around here. Not now anyway.

Soon she will be bigger, sitting upright and taking it all in. She is still so new now. But I really look forward to her excitement for life and all of its new discoveries. There is absolutely nothing boring about that!

Greetings from my royal throne!!!

Ok, maybe not a royal throne, it's the couch actually, and this is where I am camped out. Being a new breastfeeding mom has really relegated me to to this little corner. And you'd know it's mine because at all times its covered with Martha Stewart magazines, my water bottle, my phone, remote controls, my PUMP, napkins, a clock, baby books and various other crap. This is where I spend, I'm guessing, about 30-40 hours a week (at least). This is a new kind of life for me now, well the Mom one for sure, but I'm talking about the sitting one. Baby's gotta eat and baby sure don't eat fast! So now there are new little things that keep me entertained:

• - pumping. I'm not a huge fan per se but if you're pumping and you hit one of those little milk resevoirs, well I'm sorry, that's almost as good as getting a really great blackhead. Almost.
• - True Blood. This is one hell of a good show (HBO) and (sorry Mike) I have an obscene teenage-like crush on the lead vampire. Oh my.
• - Facebook. Hate to love it, love to hate it.
• - Sex and the City reruns. I don't care how often I've seen it, those shows keep me so entertained. And one show = one feed just about. Good for the middle of the night feed.
• - Here's the big one: I went and bought the camera I have been lusting after for months!!!! So now I have to figure out how to use it.

Let's be clear. I'm not a total couch potato right now. I've got stuff to do and I try to get out and exercise at least once a day. But this (albeit temporary...I hope!) lifestyle of couch living seems to be the way I roll these days. So excuse me, the couch/baby is calling and I've got a perfect indentation of my ass to greet me!

Mama missed this more.

Being a mom is full time work, no doubt. And I have loved every second of it. But I won't lie to you, I've been poorly trying to ignore the glaring truth of what happened to my body after Eleanor. Who's mushy stomach is this? Who's marshmallow-y legs am I walking on?

The time has come to fight the bulge. Today I attempted my first run. Okay, jog. I still haven't met my 6-weeks ok from my doctor (it's been 4 weeks) but I trust my own intuition about my body than some arbitrary date. So I put the techno back on my ipod (I know, it's an exercise thing, I don't normally listen to techno) strapped those old New Balances to my feet and my God...it felt so GOOD!!! I didn't go far, and I have a long way to go to get back to my pre-pregnancy fitness, but still, there was sweat. And I really missed sweating. More than that I missed that beautiful high that you get when it's just you, the outside, and your own perseverance. This is what keeps me healthy, physically, but oh so mentally as well.

Other things that make today totally awesome:
- there are no tornado watches and it looks like no rain!
- the milk is here!
- I'm getting a haircut
- Mike has the day off
- I have the cutest baby I've ever seen

AMEN!

My little social butterfly

Little Eleanor (and her mommy) are blessed to have so many babies around to play with...all born within months (and even days) of each other! So far the social playtime has included grunting, eating, some cooing, and lots and lots of naps.

I'd love to see a snapshot of one year from now...

Eleanor with Jude and Zoe

Claire and Eleanor

Eleanor and Cyril

tough decision

Well after a lot of debate and thought and brainstorming it is with some sadness in my heart to write that Jackie Brown has left our family. She has returned to the no-kill shelter from which we got her. There were a number of reasons why this decision was made. Jackie is not really a "family" dog. She's not fond of other dogs and she's not fond of children. But the biggest reason is that she has a history of nipping at several people that have come to our home. My new parent defenses are too guarded now to forget this. It just takes once, and we can't let that happen.

But despite these reasons, I have to say that Jackie is a great dog, truly. She loved us fiercely, especially Mike. There are real voids in our home now and there is definite sadness attached to that. There's no dog to greet us at the door and no furry animal trying to bury her head on your lap.

I do believe this was the best decision. I know she is sad right now and that is the hardest part of all of this. I am praying that Jackie finds the perfect home.and that the sadness is soon replaced with joy for her new owners. We miss her, we really do. But in the long run, we did what we felt we had to do.

It does kind of suck though.

Mama missed this.

I can't have too much of you, but it sure is nice having you around again.

Happy Birthday to my favorite husband!

34 years ago this amazing and beautiful person was born. I couldn't love him more!

Tonight we're celebrating by going out to dinner. And yes we will have a babysitter! For a couple of hours anyway. Then I'm sure we will be more than ready to get back home to our awesome daughter, who is also a Gemini. Like her mommy and daddy! Look out world!!


Happy Birthday baby!

Still here

I've had several people tell me to get on with the blogging and post something new. There are two reasons why I've been slacking on this. a) because being a new mom is so much more time consuming then I ever thought possible and b) because I don't want to bury my last entry. My last entry was the best entry I've ever written and the best moment I've ever experienced. And now all other entries send that one stellar entry down south to no-man's land on the blog. Sigh.

So it's day 8 of Eleanor's life and I had no idea things would change this much. I wasn't prepared for the anxiety, the oh-my-god-she-hasn't-moved-in-over-a-minute feeling. I wasn't prepared for the emotion, for the intense, rock your world LOVE that would occur. I could sit and look at her for hours, studying every grimace, every crevice on her beautiful baby skin, listening to every coo. She is so totally awesome.

But there have been struggles. Number one being my MILK. It seems that my milk is here, but not a whole lot. I've never felt engorgement or let down. This has really led to some feelings of inadequacy. Of course I want to be able to provide nourishment for my baby as nature intended. But apparently I have to work a little harder at this than others. So now I have rented a hospital grade breast pump. When Ellie wants to eat I feed her from breast as normal, then pump, then give her the supplemental milk that I create. It's very time consuming; about an hour per feed. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. The experience of breastfeeding is very important to me. However this lifestyle certainly can't be maintained for a super long time. So I'm just praying to the milk gods to please give me a little extra attention right now.

I cry a lot. And I'm not really sad. I'm told that this milk production business really messes with your hormones, so I'm attributing much of the crying to that. Plus there's the lack of sleep, the quintessential new mom phenomena which has not escaped me. It's amazing how well you (think you) can rally on very little sleep. Which probably yields to the crying. And then there's that little precious nugget of love that you realize you'd do anything for. And that feeling makes me cry because I don't know what else to do with that emotion. So I cry it out. Kind of wierd.

So if you saw me 10 days ago, and you saw me today, you would have to notice the changes. I'm not pregnant (!) for one, and for two I've become a different person. I'm a mom now. And I see the world through these new mom eyes. I think of things as how they will affect myelf and my daughter. If you could look inside my body you would find a heart that was so engorged with love that you wouldn't even recognize it as my own. And that's the way I feel. Overcome. Overfilled. Overtired. Overjoyed.

and then there were three...

I have a daughter. Her name is Eleanor Grace Nicklasson. She has the most beautiful chubby face, a little button nose from her father, inquiring eyes that melt my heart. She was born this morning at 0118. She arrived on her due date, perfectly ready to join the world.

The birth story
Thursday morning I woke up depressed. I was through with work, mom was still staying at the house waiting for me to have a baby, I was uncomfortably pregnant, anxious. I slept in until 11am.

At 2:30 I saw a nurse practitioner at my ob clinic. Upon examination she found me to be 6 cm dilated, 100% effaced and with bulging membranes. She called me at home soon after our appt. After having talked with one of the doctors, she was advising me to go to the labor and delivery deck, to the observation unit, as I was a high risk of having quick labor, potentially at home. I happily called Mike to come home and got our bags together. Let's get this show on the road!

At the hospital, once hooked up to the monitors, I realized I was having contractions. I had actually probably been having them for a while, but they only caused me discomfort, never pain, so I did not pay them much heed. The doctor on call, a lovely doctor whom I instantly liked, discussed rupturing my membranes. I knew this procedure meant that labor would be imminent, so it did not take long to decide to move forward with this. She ruptured my membranes at 7:30pm. Her assessment found me to be 5cm dilated.

Things picked up quickly from there. My contractions became stronger and more frequent. I breathed through them with focused breathwork, aware of the growing pain in my uterus. But soon the intensity changed. The pain became excrutiating, contractions were coming within a minute of each other. I became a different person, unknowing of anything that was going on except the intense pain within my body. I howled, I moaned, I clutched. I could do nothing but lay in a fetal position while my body and mind writhed, struggling to get past each peak. After 2 hours of this the resident checked my cervix and found me to be 5.5 cm dilated. I had only gained half a centimeter of progress. This news broke me and finally I asked for the epidural. No, begged for the epidural. I could not handle that amount of intensity for what could potentially be hours to get me to 10 cm.

After the epidural the labor dynamic changed immensely. I left the place of excrutiating pain and came back into the birthing space. I was able to engage with Mike, my mother and the labor team. It was miracle medicine, pure and simple. 45 minutes later when the nurse checked my cervix she said the I was fully dilated and it was time to push. I had gained almost 5 cm of progress within 45 minutes of epidural!

I pushed for about 3o minutes. Mike and my mom were both holding my legs coaching and supporting me. The room became full of anticipation and excitement as this baby began making her way into our world. And then she arrived! They placed her almost immediately on my stomach and the moment became a forever moment, the kind of moment that contained nothing less than pure magic. I looked at her, this being that I had nourished and loved for 9 months inside of my belly. She was alive and beautiful and perfect and in that moment I knew that everything had changed. Love took on a new meaning, a meaning that was so acute, so real, that it almost hurt. My life was no longer my own.

What has followed in these 24 hours has been magical and completely consuming. A world outside of this little girl is so far, far away.


Eleanor Grace Nicklasson was born at 0118 on May 22, 2009. She weighed 8 lbs 1 ounce.

Attention pregnant ladies

This message is for any women who are about to enter the childbirth waiting game: that awful space starting at 37 weeks and ending with labor.
Now I've done a lot of internet research about ways to potentially induce labor, and I've tried several. Here's a little list of all of the things that I have personally proved to myself DON'T work.

• spicy foods
• walking (though it does feel like progress is being made with all the pressure you feel)
• sex
• evening primrose oil
• red raspberry tea
• having your "membranes stripped"
• nipple stimulation (ok something happens here. Lots of cramping, discomfort. No labor)
• accupressure points

Turns out patience is the only thing that will get you there. Mother Nature probably just chuckles when you try to speed up the process with all of this other hubbabaloo!!

all of those "huh" moments

Life is funny. I think a lot of life we are reaching for things we do not have, or places we would like to be, or circumstances we would like to have happen. And I think that in that longing you lose a little from where you currently are.

Work has been historically really stressful and busy for me. But now I'm down to very few patients and I could go all day with just a few emails. Sometimes I look down at my phone, which I have cursed so many times, and think, huh. No one needs me right now. Wierd.
And this whole childbirth biz. It's no secret I've been completely impatient about meeting my little girl. And so here I sit in my house, alone, nothing really important to do, the whole day to myself really. And so I think, huh. Maybe I should be enjoying this.
And then there's the pregnancy, which is a beautiful thing but I certainly have done my complaining throughout all of it. But one day very soon there will be no baby in my belly, and I have a hunch that I'll put my hand down there like I so often do and there will be no little kick to great me. And I'll probably think, huh. I'm alone in my body again. Wierd.

And so my lesson for right now is to be present in the situations that I am currently in. Everything is temporary and perhaps it won't be long until I long for this again.

Ready?

Bag packed? Check! Baby in good position? Check! Cameras charged? Check! Labor music mix? Check! Baby clothes? Check! Cell phone charged? Check!


38 weeks pregnant

I'll be sure to keep ya'll posted!!

I thought for sure I would love this movie...

and I did! The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was wonderful, heartfelt and such a sweet little story. I highly recommend it next time you're lining up your Netflix queue.

Size DOES matter!

I'm big. People don't even pretend to not notice this belly. People come up to me like we've been friends for years, asking me about the baby. People are always helping me carry things, offering me seats, letting me get in front of them in the restroom line! In some ways, pregnancy is great! I've never gotten so much attention.
Boy I sure can't wait to see what happens to my big belly when little baby is in my arms. Does it just turn soft and mushy? What about those abdominal muscles that were so rudely shoved aside? What's it going to feel like with my new-found void, with no little feet to poke me in the ribs?

I've been walking every day. Today I walked long, hard and fast. The weather is gorgeous and me and this belly went cruising through the park, ignoring all of the belly glances, blasting the walkman. I even passed people today; I had so much darn energy.

But still I'm here and I feel no different. I know she's coming, but she's going to get LOTS of walks in the meantime to try to speed the process along.

How to have a wedding for less than $300

Go to a pretty park.
Find a friend who is a pastor to marry you.

Ask someone you know to perform the music. (my mom)


Keep the wedding party very small...

But full of very wonderful people...............



Have great friends who will host your reception for you....

Make all your own decorations. Martha Stewart is very helpful here.

Make a friend who is a baker....

Write a pretty song to sing for your new husband...

But realize if you're pregnant you might have some trouble getting through it...

And most importantly, find the perfect person to marry.

I know I sure did.

I love you Mike!

She's here!

Boy I didn't think I would have such a big baby.

And I didn't think she'd be quite so hairy.

But isn't she c-u-t-e???

fresh outlook

So me and my crappy attitude went for a great walk today and man don't we feel better! Nothing can soothe the soul better than a little sunshine and exercise. Yes please Mama Nature!

Anyway, so I've done a few things these past few weeks that I'm particularly proud of:

1. After our bumps and bowling balls shower I was sent home with a half of a sheet cake. Now anyone who knows me knows I love sheet cake...total sucker. But uh uh, this good girl kindly asked her husband to throw that shit down the garbage because a)I wasn't sure I could actually do it myself and b)that cake was up to NO GOOD.

2. Baby clothes and baby gifts are organized! Now this is something I would have never fathomed writing about for the sheer boringness of that statement. But now that I'm here, 37 weeks pregnant, swimming in seas of onesies, sleepers, boppies, snuggies, swaddlers, layettes (yes I actually know what all of those things are now) I was finally able to work my way through the pink madness and assign a little organization. (note to any future moms: if you're going to have a baby girl, and you DON"T like pink, then keep the sex to yourself. Fortunately, I do)

3. Mama got a nice little checky-poo from the accident a few weeks ago and instead of going out and buying the CAMERA I want so bad, I did two of the most boring things in the world.. paid off a credit card and saved it.

4. I absolutely positively suck at thank you cards, yet I managed to sit myself down one (entire) afternoon and bust through all of the wonderful people I needed to thank. This brings me great pride because it (shamedly) may actually be the first time I have accomplished completion in Hallmark gratitude world. Note to anyone that I might buy something for: do not send me a thank you card. I really mean that. My neighbor Betsy said her thank you for her baby gift perfectly....she baked me a cake! Good Lord I love cake! (your baked good is coming sister!)

5. I'm just about 37 weeks pregnant and my belly is getting bigger. and bigger. and bigger. Honestly I had no idea it was going to do this (to this extent). It's mystifying. My maternity shirts are turning into midriff shirts! So sexy. Anyway I'm proud of myself for doing this. Pregnancy was really easy...until then all of the sudden it wasn't. But the show goes on, and the baby grows, and the end there will really be something I'm proud of...

....my baby!

hanging out in upper respiratory infection land

And ain't it fun!
I've been suffering through this cold for over a week. Doc says pregnant ladies have a hard time recovering from things like colds, so take it easy.

So I ask, how easy can a girl take it? Exercise seems like a far away memory to me right now ever since I pulled a muscle in my pelvis, and I need exercise to burn out all the crap that goes through my brain. Now it's all festering in there, in my body, probably why I got the cold to begin with.
Since this is my blog, and my bitchfest I'll just say that being pregnant now officially sucks. I feel like a prisoner in my own, huge, lugfest of a body. I'm outgrowing my maternity clothes. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to socialize. My back is killing me. Work is tiring me out. I can't get the house clean enough!

Please come soon little baby! Please be healthy but please do NOT delay!

Babies, bumps and bowling balls

Last night my good friend Jody gave me and Mike such a fun baby shower. The theme: bowling with a bump (yes beer bellies counted). What a riot to be with all of these faux bumps. It was awesome to not be the sore thumb sticking out in the crowd, and I sort of had to smile to myself when they were all complaining about how hard it was to put their bowling shoes on! Novices!!

In any case, we had such a BLAST. Thanks Jody if you ever read this.

Jody, pro bowler.... Notice Mike's new look. Kind of like MaGyver meets family guy.

Bumps can come in all shapes and sizes...

So much fun. Thanks guys!

so close

I'm getting closer, I can feel it.
My pelvis feels like there's a bowling bowl on top of it. My joints are soft and stretchy, which hurts, which makes me look like a waddling duck. My Braxton-Hicks contractions are more frequent. I'm tired. I'm big. I'm SO DARN pregnant.

I'm going to try to labor with no pain meds. Now I'm certainly not closing any doors on pain relief, but epidural free is my intention. Right now. At this non-laboring moment. I want to be able to walk and move around throughout labor. I want to be as active a participant as I can possibly be. Truth be told, I'm feeling nervous. Pretty soon my body is going to be ready to extrapolate a human being from it, through the birth canal, out you know where! I do not know what this will feel like. I know it will hurt. I just hope I can stay centered and go through the pain as it progresses. I'll be counting on Mike to help me. Because he won't pass out. (we spent a lamaze class in the ER after a little fainting episode). I want my birthing ball. I want my mom there. I want our little baby to be just fine throughout the whole process. We are in this together, her and I. I know we can do it. I just have to remember that when the pain is all over, I'm going to have my little baby girl, alive and well, in my arms. I can't wait!

the cheesiest has to be displayed SOMEWHERE!!

So for our little wedding I spent HOURS putting together this video montage thing. And you know, for so much effort, it just seemed like a darn shame for it only to have had 3 minutes of one viewing. So here it is, in all its bloggy goodness, for any (or no) blog readers to enjoy or laugh at.......

Love her!

Always a good day....

Full of gratitude.

I am so thankful for so many wonderful family and friends who have really gone out of their way to show me their support throughout this pregnancy.

• My mom, for being my best friend, for always checking in, for always being there when I need to talk.
• My sister, whom I feel I have gotten a lot closer to during this pregnancy.
• Darci, for being such a great friend, giving great advice, and for throwing me my baby shower.
• Betsy, my next door neighbor turned great friend. I appreciate you so much. I can't wait to watch our little girls grow up together!
• My amazing grandmother, for her gifts, her check ins, her frequent calls when I was in the hospital. I just love being her granddaughter. And she's our little one's namesake!
• My Aunt Kay, Aunt Jo Ann, my cousins and my grandmother, for their care, and their "baby shower in a box" which just blew me away. That was so, incredibly thoughtful.
• My sister in law Darsey, for really reaching out...and for all of the nondisposable diapers!!
• And most importantly my husband, for putting up with all of my symptoms, all of my highs and lows, for enduring several nights of him forcing to watch my stomach to wait for the baby to kick, for reading the chapters in the books I put in front of him, for the excitement we get to share together as we start this amazing journey.

In all the love and support there have been gifts. Thank you everyone for the gifts you have offered. This is such new territory, and I really feel equipped and ready to go.
I just wanted to give a special shout out for the homemade gifts that I have received. These gifts, made with such love and care, have really touched my heart. Thank you so much!


beautful baby quilt made by my sister in law, Darsey

A bunny for the baby made by my Mom (or La La, as she likes to be called)

The cutest darn monkey I've ever seen! I love this so much!
Made by Aunt Kay.

What a fun little treat to get in the mail from my friend and
fellow blogger, Elizabeth. What a great butterfly mobile!

A diaper cake! Made by Aunt Kay. As I've started unraveling it
I can appreciate that this was no small project.


And such a sweet little quilt. I just love it Aunt Jo!



I am so blessed.

Too great not to share

Four hot mamas!

Being pregnant with other lovely ladies is such a great thing!

There are things I learn every day.

I'm surrounded by death. Nearly every week someone I've grown to care about dies. This is the way it is in hospice nursing. And sometimes its so beautiful, guiding someone through their last days, supporting their family, giving them the tools they need to die peacefully and at home.

But this is not the type of job that you "just learn". It's an evolution of skills, and of personal growth. Learning to sit with someone when they are in deep emotional pain is challenging. I've learned that I sometimes hide behind my clinical skills, keep it nursing only. But dying is not just a clinical phenomenon. It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical journey.

One of my pts died last night, and though I now she's in a better place, I miss her. She was one of the patients that takes a hold of your heart strings, the kind that you bring home with you because you keep replaying your interactions, because you realize you have put her in your heart. She was a strong, graceful woman. She had 5 children, adopted 2, fostered many. She played piano at her church and sang better than Aretha Franklin. And she was a fighting spirit. This was her challenge. Her spirit did not want to give up even though her body was dying. And this gave her so much confict and struggle. As her nurse I visited her several times a week, taking her vitals, titrating her meds, troubleshooting every new symptom, but despite the nursing work, she pulled me out of my clinical safety zone. I sat with her many times as she lay conflicted, giving her the information she asked for but did not want to hear, "yes, your body is dying". I witnessed her pilgrimage of fighting to acceptance, and for some reason it just broke my heart. She broke my heart, with her kind eyes and her graceful way.

This is quite a job, and quite an art. Coming home from work you think you can just brush off your day. But so often you can't, so you cope, in whatever way works for you. And this takes figuring out. There is a lot of personal awareness that you must foster. Feeling angry at home could just mean you brought home your day. Wanting to leave a dying patient's home as soon as the clinical assessment is over could mean that you are uncomfortable sitting with their grief. Checking your voicemails in the middle of the weekend could mean that you are overly invested. This job is riddled with fine lines. And each working day I start new, knowing that I am still such a work in progress.

goodbye old friend

Yesterday Mike and I went to the impound to get the last of the remains from the truck. Since the accident on Monday, el trucko is going to truck heaven. I know it's just a truck, but it was also a way of life. It took us on the most hairball 4wheel-drive roads you could imagine. It's driven across big streams, driven us thousands of miles, provided warm shelter during rainy and cold festivals, camped with us nearly every weekend in the summer. It was a camper's dream with a double futon that fit perfectly in the back, fully stocked with an egg crate mattress, down comforter, and several pillows. Camping for us was stylish and easy, just drive up and start the fire. (Ugh, I'm going to have to remember how to enjoy a tent again.) El trucko, you will be missed. You spoiled us real good.

El trucko will not be replaced. With our little one on the way it's family car time. Like I said, we are saying goodbye to a way of life.

we did it.

Well folks, I'm officially off the market, a missus, a wifey, an old ball and chain.

Since I want to honor this great event with some great pictures, I will wait until I receive them to go into the details (I only have the few from my little non-pro camera). For now I'll just say that it was lovely and perfect, and simple and tasteful, and the perfect representation of who we are as a couple. Everything fell into place, just as it always does when it's meant to be. I feel blessed and happy.

a crash course

...in being an inpatient.

I really wanted to spend monday talking about the totally exciting things that took place over the weekend. Instead I've spent the day at the hospital. And I'll be spending the night, too. All because a big old Mack truck decided to come on over to my side of the road as I was toot-toot-tooting along in my little truck. Dumb blind spots.

I still don't know why the firetruck was the first on the scene, but I tell ya, one look at my belly and they were running over, getting my pulse, getting my bp, how far along was I? Am I having any cramping? We have to take you to the hospital...via ambulance! I'm like, "I'm fine, I'm fine!" I was walking around, nothing hurt. But yes, I do know the power of adrenaline so I, for the first time ever got to ride in an ambulance. I've been at University Hospital since. Apparently I started having "uterine activity" so they are keeping me here for observations. Oddly there was actually a small part of me that thought "oh, well this is kind of neat. I have to stay in the hospital. I get to be the patient?" Such a strange novelty to be on the other side of things.

Novel, yes. But I'm good now. Really. Me and baby are fine. The contractions have all but stopped, there's no cramping, no spotting. Being tethered to these monitors and this bed is really not fun at all. And they won't let me eat. Pregnant mama is hungry!
Still, tomorrow it will be. I tell ya this is the last place I thought I'd be spending the first part of my week.

Taking a break

From blog here. Just for the rest of the week (when I'll have lots of fun bloggy bits to share!)

If you're like me, sometimes there are blogs that you check out routinely. And you expect there to be some goods. And there's the let down you feel when you click and its the same old post you've already read.

So let me just spare you the disappointment.

Don't check this blog until next Monday. I can guarantee it will be utterly disappointing until then.

belly pic!

30 1/2 weeks

Let's revisit our favorite subject, shall we?

Today I'm going to talk about pregnancy. I hate to do this, I don't want this to turn into a pregnancy blog. But as I'm searching my brain for something remotely interesting, she kicks. A big jolt-me-out-of-whatever-thought-I-was-in kick. And there it is. I'm pregnant with pregnancy on the brain. I can't fight it.

And so, at the risk of sounding completely obsessed with pregnancy, here is

Top 10 adjustments that must be made when pregnant:

1. Social life. Who knew I had so many friends that were pregnant? And oh yeah, what's a party?

2. Socks. You can't just put them on. You have to do a series of forward bends to get your momentum. One bend (kind of), two bends (further), three bends (touchdown!). To get on one sock.

3. Sleep. You can't sleep on your belly. You can't sleep on your back flat. You have to sleep on your side...preferrably the left so the baby gets the most oxygen. Which leads me to

4. The organization of your precious sanctuary....your bed. You now have a body pillow for sleep. You stick it under the sheets (good night Mike! Don't mind this big honkin pillow between us!) You spoon it and it's great. But then, in the middle of the night, you want to change positions so you either a)relocate the big pillow to your other side along with all the other sheets/blankets on top of it thereby exposing your bed partner, or b) hurl you and your big old belly up over the pillow, a process that could potentially be likened to trying to hop a fence. Good times in the middle of the night.

5. Clothes. While maternity pants are wonderful in so many ways, they are designed to fit you during a very small window of your pregnancy, when you fit into them just perfectly. However unless in that window you are walking around most of the time with your pants creating a butt that goes down to your knees. And don't even bother being modest about your bum crack anymore. By now everyone's seen it. Sexy!

6. Smells. Oh my God someone farted two room away and it' making you sick!

7. Forgetfulness. If you were bad before you're doomed now. Oh sorry Mrs. So-and-so patient. I know your husband is dying and you're completely consumed, but can you please help me find my keys???

8. The kicking. Which I love. Which I'm obsessed with. So if you come into a room and you see me looking down at my belly, motionless, smiling, you'll know why. I may say to you "wait, wait, look at this." And you may look, 30 seconds or so, and if you're lucky you'll see the movements of the baby's acrobatics. Or you may start looking at your watch. I can't make her jump on command you know!

9. Endurance. I'm a runner kind of girl. I ran a freaking marathon! But don't mind that, you just go on up ahead. Don't mind the girl waddling behind you clutching that cramp under her belly. I'll be fine. Go! Go!

10. The realization that you're going to soon have a baby and that you will be a mom. This is the biggest adjustment of all.


(10.a: Emotional: Like you go back and read your post and then get all teary when you read the last line.
Why? Because you're PREGNANT!!)

reclaiming my monday nights

Have you ever, like, eaten a whole cake, looked down at the naked crumbs on the plate, your belly sticking out, and just thought "ugh".

That's how I feel right now. And this time there was no cake involved.

The cake--is ABC's "The Bachelor". And I'm walking away ashamed.

First of all, let me insert the disclaimer that I didn't even want to watch this show. I accidentally got into it by hanging out at my girlfriend's house Monday nights. Before I knew it, it had become a Monday night ritual. And it was fun, you know, in a shameful kind of way.

But this show! I started out thinking it was ridiculous, watched myself get sucked along and did very little to fight it, and then watched it end, with all of its overplayed dramatics. Frankly I can't even bother to comment on its ridiculous twist. I feel used that I allowed myself to get swept away with such blatant corporate contrivities. (http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/03/03/jason-im-not-proud-of-what-i-had-to-do/) It's hard to say who's playing who in this ridiculous ending, but for some reason I feel played. Never again ABC. Never again.

Hey! Looky there!

I am a new gardener. I've been a "dabbler" for a while but last year I really stepped it up a notch, planting all sorts of new things, wasting all sorts of money, and really learning a whole lot. Anyway, in October I planted tulip bulbs, the first tulip bulbs I've ever planted. I wasn't sure they would come up; I've heard such different ideas about when to plant, depth, etc.

Well with these unseasonably warm temperatures...well I never! My tulips!!! I'm so excited and now I'm jonesing more than ever for spring to really be here.

But it's not, which brings me to a new dilemna. Undoubtedly there is going to be snow again. What do I do now that my little tulips have prematurely popped up their heads? Will they die? Do I need to cover them? Will I ever see my miraculous tulip flowers?

I'm just saying.....

Here's a question I've been asking myself, hypothetically of course.

How do you plan a wedding for as cheaply as possible to take place in a month?
I am not a wedding sort of person. I've never envisioned the white train or the big elaborate feista. I see a small gathering, an impromptu ceremony at some pretty location, and in this hypothetical vision I see the task of trying to find some sort of a dress for a rather disproportionate type of figure. I'm hoping that in one month will be spring, with spring blooms popping up everywhere. I feel like, in this vision, I need to manifest a friend who has a nice camera and knows how to use it. I see my mom being there, playing a song on the guitar. And I see a small gathering to take place after, with great food but no dancing. I have no other details in this vision, which rather lacks in details to begin with.

but it's hypothetical anyway....