creating nostalgia (damn it!)

Every year we go to Nederland, CO for our Super Pretty Fall Foliage Day. 

This is a day, and a tradition, that I have created and declared. 

We've gone four years in a row, which makes me now able to say "every year".

Mike doesn't have the same drive to ensure we get to Nederland each September. He takes a bit of prodding and negotiating with. Fortunately my own motivations trump lazy-husband-who-could-give-two-shits. And might I add consequently-always-has-a-kick-ass-time-and-will-probably-thank-me-in-years-to-come. Eh hem. 

Super Pretty Fall Foliage Day!!! 

After all, we are the makers of tradition now. And frankly, I don't EVER want to miss out on this beauty.

I hope that many years from now my daughter will take her daughter to Nederland every year for their own Super Pretty Fall Foliage day.

I hope when she sees the golden hue of aspens her mind automatically reels back to her memories of Nederland; her frolicking years of Super Pretty Fall Foliage Days.

Won't that make her old mama proud.

Just look at that man having the time of his life. Psshaw.

Holy crap it's friday!

This week has been full of active brains, tired legs, and busy schedules. But like I've always said, the rest will never be as sweet as after the work.

Happy weekend everyone! Go and get your FALL on!

Pants: Tea Collection
Shirt: Amy Tangerine
Hat: Vendor at Telluride Bluegrass Festival
Shoes: Teva

To my daughter...

Sweet Eleanor,
You, your light. Your sweet temperment. Your heart warming smile. Your infectious joy. There are so many gifts you already bestow in this world. Thank you for them. For you.

Thank you for blessing me with the awareness of unconditional love.

I have seen a lot of really gut wrenchingly sad things lately, and thankfully they have not landed on THIS HOUSE. But they make me think. They make me aware that this thing called LIFE is fleeting, that all things that are loved will one day be gone. They make me aware that on the other side of  joy is pain. Aware that  the greater the LOVE, the greater the loss. Aware that in a second anything and everything could change.

But we take the risk. We make ourselves vulnerable to having our hearts so open. That, to me, is what makes love scary; never knowing.

But what I DO KNOW is this: You are here with me NOW. Your daddy is here with me NOW. Together we LAUGH, and we LOVE. Together our family is perfect. And right now, we have that.

And so, from the very depths of my heart and soul, I am grateful for this. I am grateful for you. I am grateful for my family.

I carry my gratitude with me always. Even when you are having a tantrum for a "LOLLIPOP!". Even when you are BEGGING me to pick you up. Every time I wrap my arms around you I am reminded of my gratitude.

Do not think for a second that I mind when you want me to crawl in bed with you to help you sleep. I love laying there smelling your hair, feeling your sweet little chest rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall. And in the middle of the night when you open your door and I hear your little feet come running through the house, coming to crawl into bed with us, I admit that I get happy. I like feeling you beside me, watching you breathe. I love having the two most important people in the whole world laying in bed with me. It's those moments when we're all curled up in bed together that I feel the most safe.

You will learn that there are SOME moments, that you never, ever want to let go of.

I love you with all that I am.

Mommy

I am SUCH a rockstar.

So, I went out tonight. Me and my good friend Darci won Rockies tickets, the real executive treatment kind with a suite and free food and drinks and a name tag where I got to mingle with other Denver hospice community folks. Which I actually didn't realize until the last minute that this whole thing was kind of "work related" but whatevs, I had my buddy.

And so we were OUT. Mike dropped us off downtown and I think we were both kind of mesmerized by the fact that we NEVER go out anymore, downtown anyway, and woo boy what a treat it was. Skyscrapers! Tons of people! Homeless! Look out world we were rearin to go! 

So we noshed. We mingled. The Rockies were getting crushed but honestly, there was a game? Okay, eventually we pulled our talkative behinds away from the free mini bar and buffet table and decided to watch. And then, we just sort of started sinking into our chairs. We started showing people pictures of our kids. (yeah we did that). We started talking with our co workers about work. And then we both sort of looked at each other and said "I'm ready to go when you are". 

It was 8:30. 

So anyway as we sat in our cab heading home we both realized we were at a crossroads. We could go head to some bar somewhere, spend money, probably wake up with a headache and have to take care of our kids (both our husbands are gone tomorrow). Instead I walked into my front door at 9pm, slightly buzzed and wide awake. I folded laundry so I woudn't have to do it in the morning. I wished there was SOMETHING good on tv. 

That's when Mike said "hey did you see that ice cream that I bought for you?"

Um, NO. (!!!)

Sea Salt carmel truffle. 

Best. Night. Ever.

crappy phone picture, GREAT seats!

party on, Wayne!

health and safety health and safety health and safety fashion friday health and safety

I have always had a sort of psychological mantra that I would chant as a kid. I'm actually kind of embarrassed by it now because it was VERY CHRISTIAN, (not that very christian is bad, but it's just not me now). Something like "please forgive me sweet Jesus" and I would say it ALL THE TIME. Which, if that is not some sort of testament to why I think religion is just a touch fucked up off the mark then I don't know what is? Why would a 10 year old kid feel the need to ask for so much forgiveness 50x a day? Ok, exposing weird childhood issues and ANYWAY, NOT THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE.

The point is, I do that, this mantra business. I sort of find something that really resonates with me and I say it, to myself, kind of incessantly. When I'm in a state of crisis I say it out loud incessantly. It's sort of my nervous tic.

So when Henry and Thomas the Train were learning all about "health and safety" and were chanting it as they were toot toot tooting along, well it clicked in my brain. 

Health and safety. Health and safety. Health and safety.

That's the crux of all I want or need. 

So I say it now. I say it a LOT, you know, in my head. Or if I'm driving white knuckled in a snowstorm you would definitely witness the tic/mantra. I like to believe that by focusing on HEALTH and SAFETY that I am energetically pulling both phenomenons to me and my family.

That's what I tell myself. And so far, it's worked. 

Health and safety. Health and safety. Health and safety.

Skirt: Taylor Joelle

Shirt: Gap

Hat: Old Navy

Sunglasses: Old Navy

When your reproductive self goes on strike.

My daughter is two years three months.
Which means if I were to get pregnant she would be just over three when her new brother/sister arrives. Three is good. A 3rd grader to a 6th grader. A senior to a freshman.

Only I'm not pregnant. And Ellie's sibling time span clock is tick tick ticking away.

I don't understand you, you crazy, unpredictable reproductive system. You surprised me with Ellie (which, btw, was the BEST surprise of my entire life). And see I sort of thought once my husband said "ok we can try for another" that somehow his words would magically hijack themselves onto his sperm and somehow make their way into the crazy, cavernous egg of LIFE. Only they didn't. Instead they went on strike, despite ovulation kits, phone apps and plenty of just-not-feeling-it sex.

I've tried to be laissez faire about the whole thing. You can't force these things to happen. But inside there is this TOTALLY AWESOME PARTY waiting to happen, full of confetti and streamers and balloons. Only each month the party recipient doesn't show up. Each month my balloons of hope get just a little more deflated. Each month. Each period. Each unfertilized egg.

I took me and my eggs to a new ob last week to figure out what the problem is. I've been given the task of taking my temperature every morning before I get up starting on day 3 of my period, which of course I totally forgot as today is day 3. Also yesterday I was supposed to get some blood work drawn and Mike got the task of jerking off in a cup, which for some reason cracks me up, and guys I have it written on a prescription pad! (ok, it doesn't say "jerk off in a cup" but it MAY AS WELL). And I don't know, I just don't wanna. I know Mike doesn't wanna. I guess I was hoping that by my GOING to the ob that my ovaries or whatever is on strike would GET THE POINT. I just don't want this to be so much work.

I know I'm blessed with a beautiful daughter. And let me tell you, she is the light of my world. I love being her mother, and just like I told Mike the other day, I feel like there is so much mothering in me. I feel so identified in the role of MOMMY and I really feel as though I am supposed to have more than one child to love. I know there are children out there that need homes, and maybe we will pursue that route one day, and that will be okay. But for now I'm in the midst of my monthly disappointment.

I remind myself of my blessings, for which there are many. I remind myself that these things will work out. But I still get to honor that one part of me that feels the disappointment. Because that's real, too.

Now excuse me, I need to go buy a new never-been-up-someones-butt thermometer.

Shine on

Sometimes you read things, or hear things, (or for that matter taste, see, feel) that strike a chord.
They shine on something inside of you that was dormant, or maybe you forgot, or maybe that you just figured needed extra shining.
This girl got me shining today.
Please check out her poem in the first 4 minutes of this video.

"I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it." --Sarah Kay

9-11

I remember.

Awestruck. Mortified.
This was really happening.
Glued to the television.

I remember.

The eerie silence
as normal routines became confronted with confusing, visceral heart pain.
The odd kinship of strangers,
the acknowledgment of the new awareness
of just how vulnerable we were.

I remember.

The day I first experienced the shadow side
of collective consciousness.
Appalled that man could do this to man.
Fearful.

I remember.

When all things trivial slipped away into the smoke of that day.
When man slowly arose from the assault
holding hands,
wanting to be better men.

I remember.

so long sweet season...

I am letting out a big, beautiful, happy, contented sigh.

What a season.

Colorado continues to be amazing. After every summer I feel as though I'm a newlywed; enchanted and appreciative and oh so in love.

I spent Labor Day marking the end of this spectacular season on top of a 14,000 foot mountain. Humbled.

and upside down.

And full of gratitude.

Life is soooooo good.

on being a better nurse

Dementia.
She makes no sense.
She's contracted.
He looks like he's looking right through you.
He's mean.
She won't even remember that I'm here.
He doesn't understand what I'm saying.
She is impossible to engage.

Dismissive, on the bad days.

On the good days:
Mother. Grandmother. Father. Son.
(Somebody loved.)

My little dementia patient today:
her love of God,
her often nonsensical talk,
the dolls she clutched that lay all around her,
the mysterious oatmeal looking substance smeared on her sheets and dolls.
Her renedition of Jesus Loves Me
(the laugh I tried so hard to suppress).
The smile on her face,
the light that shone out of her eyes,
the appreciation of having people visit her.

We all have a light to shine.
I want to never be dismissive of That. Light.

Living on a Prayer....and Fashion Friday

You guys, it is SO NICE OUT!!! And it's FRIDAY!! And it's a 3 DAY WEEKEND!!!

When the weather shifts it almost always makes me feel a little giddy. And when the weather shifts in to fall I become EXTRA giddy. I needed this giddiness, because like all things that are dragged out, I was getting downright depressed at all of that heat. All that heat and frigging sun! IT IS SO STINKIN SUNNY HERE YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

Wait, didn't I just write a post about not being content ever? Hahahaha. 

Anyway, because of my current giddy state I have promised myself I would not look at this blog today (I've been checking it daily), because every time I do I cry like a baby. For real. Sob even. Instead I'm getting ready for our big garage sale tomorrow. And I'm stealing away from work to sit in my quiet house for lunch. Later I'm going to clean things that are dirty and make them smell good. I'm going to enjoy our friday night ritual of thai takeout. I'm going to NOT turn on the swamp cooler tonight. 

I'm going to continue my increasingly routine habit of cranking up Bon Jovi after dinner and having a dance off. I mean who doesn't LOVE "Living on a Prayer"!? I tell you two people who definitely do...me and Ellie. Juries still out on Mike.

OH, WE'RE HALFWAY THERE....!!!!!!

Dress: Beehave (from Zulily)

Hat: garage sale find
 

 

Somedays,

..you get to be a superhero.


SHA ZAM!