I am shouting NOOO in my head for two reasons right now:
1) It is 5:35a.m. and I am sitting at my computer with my coffee. This is MY time and Ellie is crying. Ellie stop crying! You can't do this to mommy! This is why I set my alarm! NO MORE CRYING!!!
2) Though it has been gloriously nice lately with highs reaching into the mid 60's and a sort of pre-spring fever blooming everywhere as people roam about in T-SHIRTS, well, ahem, the high tomorrow is supposed to be -1. NEGATIVE ONE! Is that not wierd? I know we are simply feeling just a touch of the pain that the rest of this frosty country has had to endure, but a 60 degree change in temperature? Rocky mountains: Dude, you're wierd.
I have this friend who is on this really awesome adventure right now. This morning I was reading about her newest Italian exploits for which she has been traveling alone. I am picturing her (okay maybe I'm picturing me) alone on a train, a changing and beautiful landscape, a warm cup of cafe in her hand, maps on her lap, maybe a little rain for effect (!), and a mind that is free to travel. She is free to contemplate life in solitude. She is free to desire an opportunity and then reach out and get it.
Did I mention that I set my alarm for the 5 o'clock hour so I can squeeze in just a touch of alone time?
I would not say that I'm jealous of my friend, I would more say that I'm happy for her. And I'm happy for her because I think she really appreciates how special life is. Because DAMN IF IT ISN'T SPECIAL!! I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that sort of freedom. I miss traveling without diapers crammed into my bag. I miss getting lost in my thoughts. I miss having conversations that are not constantly interrupted by a toddler. I have sweet, sweet memories that still fill me up of my own adventures. And woo boy am I glad I can ride those memories, because sometimes ya need a little happy place memory to retreat to.
Where my friend is at now I can not be. I can not travel like that with a toddler and I could not leave her to go. I am "stuck" here, tethered to this sweet little being that gives me so much work but that I love so darn much. Life isn't glamourous right now. It's a lot of work and very little time to spend on myself. But it's filled with so much love. And love, these days, is like food: it keeps me going.
Amidst my daydreams of a past me, I see a future me. I see an older woman watching an adult version of my little girl get on a train for some future destination. I see a future me longing to hold on to these memories. This work. This youth. This heart. Already I see how quickly children grow.
I see life as a series of trains whizzing you away to new places and experiences, offering moments of reflection to realize just how good you had it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
the funny thing about elephants
There is some heavy stuff going on within my family now, and that's really all I can say about that. But I want to write about the trickle effect from major events; the way it shows up when you're home and you've put up your feet.
We have had an elephant in our family, and when the elephant is mentioned people change. We get stressed. We get irritable. But we have been coming together. Together, we try to determine if there are any answers, anything that can be done, anything we can go out and do. We talk more, with each other. We check in. We visit. We're practicing the art of solidarity.
There's a lot of power in numbers, and there's even more power in family.
So the elephant: I won't write about that, but I will say that I feel closer to the family I married in to than I ever have. By exposing the soft little belly of vulnerability we are becoming stronger. We see the support around us, the strong wall of family love. And though elephants (metaphorically) can be bad, and sad, and challenging, there is always another aspect that develops. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and I see the equal and opposite reaction in strengthened love and strengthened bonds.
I see that life is always a double edged sword. Both sides are present and real, both need to be shined and given attention to. I can't live in happy la-la land without spending some time in the darkness. Without the darkness I would never appreciate the light.
We have had an elephant in our family, and when the elephant is mentioned people change. We get stressed. We get irritable. But we have been coming together. Together, we try to determine if there are any answers, anything that can be done, anything we can go out and do. We talk more, with each other. We check in. We visit. We're practicing the art of solidarity.
There's a lot of power in numbers, and there's even more power in family.
So the elephant: I won't write about that, but I will say that I feel closer to the family I married in to than I ever have. By exposing the soft little belly of vulnerability we are becoming stronger. We see the support around us, the strong wall of family love. And though elephants (metaphorically) can be bad, and sad, and challenging, there is always another aspect that develops. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and I see the equal and opposite reaction in strengthened love and strengthened bonds.
I see that life is always a double edged sword. Both sides are present and real, both need to be shined and given attention to. I can't live in happy la-la land without spending some time in the darkness. Without the darkness I would never appreciate the light.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
doing it
As I continued with my 5:30am ritual this morning and went for a nice frosty run, I thought about doing. I thought about myself running strong at 5:30 am and I thought how my day would be if I didn't go. I thought about how different my life would be if I didn't go ever. I thought about how my life would be if I smoked, if I ate gross things, if I never gave myself a chance to clear my head. And I thought about how I'm no different than any other person out there in that we are all products of our own personal decisions.
I don't always make the best decisions, and there are parts of my life that can attest to this. But what occured to me is that I have some control. Today I am not saying that one day I'll start getting up at 5:30am. One day I'll have a career. One day I'll figure out how to cook. One day I'll be in good shape. I am doing it. I may not be in the best shape. I may not be the best cook. But I'm working on it. I jumped in.
I really believe that personal happiness is achieved with setting goals for yourself, large or small: running a marathon, learning to knit, traveling to Europe, getting out of the house with your child, whatever. Obviously I can't pack up a bag and head to Europe, but I can start saving money, set the goal and work towards meeting it. We all have a starting point with our goals and moving forward is the only way to meet them. And how empowering does it feel when we do! Sometimes I'm not empowered, sometimes I down right suck about making goals and meeting them. Sometimes I get lazy. But mostly, when it becomes important enough, then I do. And in the back of my mind, I always know that I can.
The way I look at it, life is in motion and we can stand on the sidelines wishing and dreaming and planning or we can start doing and figure out the rest as we go. Procrastination can have bad consequences. It can feed a viscious cycle of "someday" to "I can't". And I can. I can at least try, and I mean this for all personal goals, all "one days". No one gets younger, so why not today?
I don't always make the best decisions, and there are parts of my life that can attest to this. But what occured to me is that I have some control. Today I am not saying that one day I'll start getting up at 5:30am. One day I'll have a career. One day I'll figure out how to cook. One day I'll be in good shape. I am doing it. I may not be in the best shape. I may not be the best cook. But I'm working on it. I jumped in.
I really believe that personal happiness is achieved with setting goals for yourself, large or small: running a marathon, learning to knit, traveling to Europe, getting out of the house with your child, whatever. Obviously I can't pack up a bag and head to Europe, but I can start saving money, set the goal and work towards meeting it. We all have a starting point with our goals and moving forward is the only way to meet them. And how empowering does it feel when we do! Sometimes I'm not empowered, sometimes I down right suck about making goals and meeting them. Sometimes I get lazy. But mostly, when it becomes important enough, then I do. And in the back of my mind, I always know that I can.
The way I look at it, life is in motion and we can stand on the sidelines wishing and dreaming and planning or we can start doing and figure out the rest as we go. Procrastination can have bad consequences. It can feed a viscious cycle of "someday" to "I can't". And I can. I can at least try, and I mean this for all personal goals, all "one days". No one gets younger, so why not today?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
the awesomeness is in the details
Rubbing horses' noses at the Stock Show, snowboarding with my sister-in-law, learning how to make yarn, stuck in a snowstorm, lego towers, 30 trips down the slide, a perfect fire, innumerable requests for "choo choo" (Thomas the Train videos), a belly full of sushi, laying in the crib with Ellie reading books, scrabble, early morning solitude, Patty Griffin's "Downtown Church", fresh roasted almonds, taking the Cozy Coupe on a spin around the neighborhood. Laughing. Taking turns. Trucking along.
This lovely January weekend made me very happy. Why do weekends have to have so many darn days in between them?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Operation: morning person
As any mother of a toddler knows, it is damn near impossible to get anything productive done when said toddler is awake. I learned a while ago that, on days when I'm home with Ellie, I need to mentally prepare myself that I will get nothing done except for spending quality time with my daughter. She will have it no other way as noted by things such as following me everywhere I go and yelling "Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! at the door when I go to the bathroom. Let me just let you non-toddler rearing folks visualize/remember that for a minute: reading "Where's the Poop" for the 10th time followed by twenty ring around the rosies and just a moment behind a closed door for a swig of vodka some private business:
Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!
The point is there is a golden time where the house is still. A time when I can actually get out of the house and exercise alone and it's not the bitter end of an already long day. A time where I can sit with a cup of HOT coffee and spend a little time with ME. I'm talking about the morning and what I'm specifically talking about is in the hour of 5-5:30am.
o-u-c-h-y!
I'm a night owl by nature. But at night those precious hours are spent a)with my husband so NOT alone, b) doing very nonproductive things like geeking out on my computer or watching tv. I have found the jewel of time that I need to create for myself but I won't lie to say that it hurts a tad to get to it. Nonetheless I am a woman on a mission!
This week I have had some moral support from my friend, Annie, in that she has picked my ass up at 5:30am to go to the gym. But the key thing I'm doing is setting my alarm even on the days I don't work out and getting up anyway. On one particularly cruel morning this looked like me franksteining it out of my room only to relocate myself to the living room couch for more shut eye. Hey I got up! The point is, I'm in the process of reprogramming. I've read that it can be done and even the most night-owl-y of people can join the morning side. I see no way around it. If I want sanity, hot coffee, and good fitness then I must persevere.
That being said certain members of this household have already started to encrouch on my elite and earned time slot. One morning Mike got up earlier (not his style) and joined me at the table to eat a bowl of cereal where I was working on my computer. I don't know if it was the darts of fire coming out of my eyes or the subtle hint of me putting on my earbuds but he quickly left. Ellie's mom-dar seems to be on 24-7 as well because I can hear her in the monitor during my sweet time saying [in hushed morning tones] "Mama. Mama. Mama." I don't know if it was the tear soaked prayers (okay exagerrating a tad) or the fact that it's TOO DANG early but her mama requests have so far been absorbed into the sleeping morning. DON'T BURST MY BUBBLE, GUYS! Mama needs her space.
Operation morning person has been, so far, successful. Down with the snooze button!!!!
Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!
The point is there is a golden time where the house is still. A time when I can actually get out of the house and exercise alone and it's not the bitter end of an already long day. A time where I can sit with a cup of HOT coffee and spend a little time with ME. I'm talking about the morning and what I'm specifically talking about is in the hour of 5-5:30am.
o-u-c-h-y!
I'm a night owl by nature. But at night those precious hours are spent a)with my husband so NOT alone, b) doing very nonproductive things like geeking out on my computer or watching tv. I have found the jewel of time that I need to create for myself but I won't lie to say that it hurts a tad to get to it. Nonetheless I am a woman on a mission!
This week I have had some moral support from my friend, Annie, in that she has picked my ass up at 5:30am to go to the gym. But the key thing I'm doing is setting my alarm even on the days I don't work out and getting up anyway. On one particularly cruel morning this looked like me franksteining it out of my room only to relocate myself to the living room couch for more shut eye. Hey I got up! The point is, I'm in the process of reprogramming. I've read that it can be done and even the most night-owl-y of people can join the morning side. I see no way around it. If I want sanity, hot coffee, and good fitness then I must persevere.
That being said certain members of this household have already started to encrouch on my elite and earned time slot. One morning Mike got up earlier (not his style) and joined me at the table to eat a bowl of cereal where I was working on my computer. I don't know if it was the darts of fire coming out of my eyes or the subtle hint of me putting on my earbuds but he quickly left. Ellie's mom-dar seems to be on 24-7 as well because I can hear her in the monitor during my sweet time saying [in hushed morning tones] "Mama. Mama. Mama." I don't know if it was the tear soaked prayers (okay exagerrating a tad) or the fact that it's TOO DANG early but her mama requests have so far been absorbed into the sleeping morning. DON'T BURST MY BUBBLE, GUYS! Mama needs her space.
Operation morning person has been, so far, successful. Down with the snooze button!!!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Summer has temporarily left the building.
I'll just say it...today sucked. It was just one of those days where I got up, knew I was on day 1 of a 4 day work stretch and let my initial bad attitude have its way with me. Ellie's day sucked, too, manifested in her incessant whining and screaming at the door as I left for work, adding even more suckiness to my morning. The suckiness continued, or rather, my bitchy attitude began as I entered the hospital that I enter almost EVERY day to go up to my office and the frigging security guard insists on taking my picture and slapping a GUEST sticker on me. (To clarify, I work for a hospice agency and admit people from this particular hospital. I'm their "designated hospice person".) He is the only person who insists on doing this as I am friendly and nice to the security guards that check people in and they see me every single day (well, some variation of tuesday through saturday.) I'm used to getting waved on by and it always makes me feel kind of warm and fuzzy, like I'm a part of their little hospital community.
Not today.
When I saw that guy at the counter my heart sank, and as I tried to casually work my way past him to the elevators I hear "Ma'am, can I help you?" FUCK. Not knowing he was dealing with one seriously hormonal and bitchy woman I said "Seriously dude? I'm here EVERY day. You know me! I explained this last time!". "Well until I hear otherwise I have to check you in." Guys I don't know what it was about the moment but I was unhinged! I gave him such a bad attitude. I stepped outside of my body and was embarrassed for myself, but at the time, he was the doe-eyed do-gooder that stood straight into the headlights of my bitchiness.
The whole episode really had me unnerved. I hate confrontation and that security guard will never know just how sensitive I felt about the whole encounter.
Later in the day I got a hospital badge (not my hospice badge), which really I should have just had all along. As I left I saw my nemesis behind the counter and I stood in front of him. "Two things," I said. "One: I'm really sorry I was such a bitch earlier. Two: HERE'S MY BADGE,mutha fucka!!". He apologized too saying he actually could have gotten me a badge and when it was all said and done we ended up as friends. (Well, I still don't really like him but I expect to be able to go to work like a normal person now and not get mugged shot.)
Anyway today I had such a knot of angst that it literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest. At one point I downloaded a heart rate monitor on my smartphone so I could check my pulse. Which was 62!!! 62 does not a fast heart rate make, but I can assure you I felt off. Feel off. Feel off but suddenly realized what the heck was happening. Sure as shit it comes again, the monthly bandit that turns me into total mush.
Wake me when it's over.
Not today.
When I saw that guy at the counter my heart sank, and as I tried to casually work my way past him to the elevators I hear "Ma'am, can I help you?" FUCK. Not knowing he was dealing with one seriously hormonal and bitchy woman I said "Seriously dude? I'm here EVERY day. You know me! I explained this last time!". "Well until I hear otherwise I have to check you in." Guys I don't know what it was about the moment but I was unhinged! I gave him such a bad attitude. I stepped outside of my body and was embarrassed for myself, but at the time, he was the doe-eyed do-gooder that stood straight into the headlights of my bitchiness.
The whole episode really had me unnerved. I hate confrontation and that security guard will never know just how sensitive I felt about the whole encounter.
Later in the day I got a hospital badge (not my hospice badge), which really I should have just had all along. As I left I saw my nemesis behind the counter and I stood in front of him. "Two things," I said. "One: I'm really sorry I was such a bitch earlier. Two: HERE'S MY BADGE,
Anyway today I had such a knot of angst that it literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest. At one point I downloaded a heart rate monitor on my smartphone so I could check my pulse. Which was 62!!! 62 does not a fast heart rate make, but I can assure you I felt off. Feel off. Feel off but suddenly realized what the heck was happening. Sure as shit it comes again, the monthly bandit that turns me into total mush.
Wake me when it's over.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The grass seems to be quite green here.
This morning I read this quote on one of my friend's facebook pages:
If you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. I think when you're somewhere, you ought to be there. It's not about how long you stay in a place, it's about what you do while you're there, and when you go, is that place any better for your having been there.
- Jerry Stahl
Last summer I announced to the blogosphere of our interest to move back to Maine. The thing is, I wish I could live in 2 (or maybe 3) places at once. You leave pieces of your heart behind when you move, and in the true spirit of the human condition, you want those pieces back (sometimes). I want to move back to Maine and be near my old and dear friends and some of my precious family. But we have been like fish swimming upstream in this endeavor. We haven't been able to sell our house (such an exercise in frustration), the ecomony stinks, and the myth about nursing shortages doesn't seem to be true because nursing jobs are not plentiful there. And the thing about reuniting with the pieces of your heart that you left behind, is that you must leave more of your heart in the place from which you want to leave.
Maine fills me with confliction. I loved growing up there. I love the summers and the ocean and the salty air and and the small town feel everywhere you go. It was my home, the land that I grew in, and I think Ellie would have a lovely childhood back "home".
I have lived in Colorado for 5 years now and I miss admit, I've grown pretty attached. I love my job, I have wonderful friends, and the Rocky Mountains do something for my soul that New England can not do. (Just as New England does something for my soul that Colorado can not). This is where my daughter was born, where my husband was born, and so far it has been nothing but wonderful to us. I'm not ruling out moving back to Maine. One day we'll sell our house and we'll have to revisit where we want to go. But that quote reminded me today that I am not in Maine. I am not in California (sorry Mom). Today I am in Colorado....
and it is awesome.
 |
| a lovely hike at Red Rocks yesterday with my girl (hiking in JANUARY!!) |
 |
| breathtaking |
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| Telluride, Colorado: my favorite place on earth |
See?(p.s. Thank God for Maine vacations!)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Props to my favorite blog mamas
This blog has been so fun to maintain over the past few years. It has been such an outlet for me and sometimes I love going back and reliving moments that I was so very IN at time. I love reading the pre-baby years and how different I was, how different life was. I love chronicalling the evolution of being a mom. I hope Ellie reads this blog one day when she's older. (hello future Ellie!)
Anyway, I got to thinking about this blog, and about my blog reading circuit. There are several blogs that I follow but I have three friends that I have really gotten to know through the portals of our blogs. Blogs are funny, years ago I never would have thought I'd develop friendships through BLOGS!? But our faithful readership with each others blog entries have been really special. They've been special for me. They lift me up with beautiful comments when I'm feeling blue, they offer great advice and they inspire me with their wisdom and their adventurous spirits.
Kim at http://doubleblessingsblog.blogspot.com/. Through the entries over the past years we have really seen each others families grow! I've seen your photography skills flourish and your TWIN babies develop into the cutest little girls. I feel like I know you so well because of our blogs. How neat is that?!
Elizabeth at http://artemisadventures.com/. You make hard things look easy. You take your 30some pound child hiking up moutains. You picked up knitting one day and instantly rocked at it. Your photos can knock your socks off. I often use you as such a source of inspiration when I'm trying to be a more adventurous mother. You have so much energy and I'm so glad you take time to freeze frame some of it into your fabulous blog.
Annie at http://tunheimfamily.blogspot.com/. Sister, you are a new friend and you are fabulous. I feel a real kinship with you and I'm so glad we happened to be sitting on the same plane, same row and you happened to take pity on a poor mama traveling alone with a toddler. Then you happened to be my neighbor and then you happened to have a fabulous blog. I think we write in similar styles and have similar world views. I truly, truly enjoy reading your words and your process. I'm so glad you came into my life!
Ladies, thank you for inspiration, the support, and fabulous reading. Thank you for all the fun posts, and thank you thank you for all the "raw" posts. Moms need to know that they are not alone with their mommy struggles. You make being a mom with no family around so much easier. So that is why today, this post if for you!!
Keep writing!!!
Anyway, I got to thinking about this blog, and about my blog reading circuit. There are several blogs that I follow but I have three friends that I have really gotten to know through the portals of our blogs. Blogs are funny, years ago I never would have thought I'd develop friendships through BLOGS!? But our faithful readership with each others blog entries have been really special. They've been special for me. They lift me up with beautiful comments when I'm feeling blue, they offer great advice and they inspire me with their wisdom and their adventurous spirits.
Kim at http://doubleblessingsblog.blogspot.com/. Through the entries over the past years we have really seen each others families grow! I've seen your photography skills flourish and your TWIN babies develop into the cutest little girls. I feel like I know you so well because of our blogs. How neat is that?!
Elizabeth at http://artemisadventures.com/. You make hard things look easy. You take your 30some pound child hiking up moutains. You picked up knitting one day and instantly rocked at it. Your photos can knock your socks off. I often use you as such a source of inspiration when I'm trying to be a more adventurous mother. You have so much energy and I'm so glad you take time to freeze frame some of it into your fabulous blog.
Annie at http://tunheimfamily.blogspot.com/. Sister, you are a new friend and you are fabulous. I feel a real kinship with you and I'm so glad we happened to be sitting on the same plane, same row and you happened to take pity on a poor mama traveling alone with a toddler. Then you happened to be my neighbor and then you happened to have a fabulous blog. I think we write in similar styles and have similar world views. I truly, truly enjoy reading your words and your process. I'm so glad you came into my life!
Ladies, thank you for inspiration, the support, and fabulous reading. Thank you for all the fun posts, and thank you thank you for all the "raw" posts. Moms need to know that they are not alone with their mommy struggles. You make being a mom with no family around so much easier. So that is why today, this post if for you!!
Keep writing!!!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
heavy
I often talk about how being a mom has changed me. I can come up with lists of all the fun, cute and quirky things that happen now that my daughter is here. All of it is true, but for me, well there is one huge, glaring, elephant of a change that I don't believe really serves me well...
I get scared.
Sometimes I feel like being a mom is like walking on a tight rope. So afraid I get that something bad could happen to my daughter that to be honest, I wonder if it's "normal". I don't think I'm hypervigilant, I feel like I am pretty good about letting her be an adventurous spirit. Really it's not in the little things that I have this fear, but in the bigger things that I have no control over, like car accidents and cancer. Often I can breathe through it and move on like a normal person. But I have to recognize that co-piloting its way through my life is this fear. It is an ugly sort of feeling, like someone is sitting on my chest. I'm sure it doesn't help that my job is to take care of people when they are in their last days, often their last breaths, and how many utterly sad stories that are witnessed in that role. I shake it off, and really I have thought I'd done a pretty good job about putting up those boundaries. But those stories, those people, their realities, my daughter. I'm constantly reminded that things that happen to others can easily happen to me. To her.
I don't know if any of you caught Oprah on Tuesday but it was heartbreakingly sad. She interviewed the parents of three children that were killed in a car accident. I sobbed as I watched it; really truly cried. It actually felt good to cry, like somehow I was releasing grief. Grief for that family. Grief for imagined events. Grief for the new mom I recently admitted to hospice that was my age. Grief for the family of the 9 year old girl that was killed in Tucson. Grief for every parent that ever lost a child. Grief for young children that grow up without their parents.
Grief.
At work I see a lot of sad things. I see families that are IN IT. I see people my age make preparations for their children because soon they will die. I see it, I'm present in it, I can be helpful.
But then I go home. I move forward. I love my child and my husband intensely. But sometimes, like when I'm watching Oprah on tuesday afternoon, I see that things don't run off of me as easily as I might think they do.
Oprah asked the question "what would you do if the worst thing imaginable happened to you?"
It's a question I am absolutely not able to answer.
I get scared.
Sometimes I feel like being a mom is like walking on a tight rope. So afraid I get that something bad could happen to my daughter that to be honest, I wonder if it's "normal". I don't think I'm hypervigilant, I feel like I am pretty good about letting her be an adventurous spirit. Really it's not in the little things that I have this fear, but in the bigger things that I have no control over, like car accidents and cancer. Often I can breathe through it and move on like a normal person. But I have to recognize that co-piloting its way through my life is this fear. It is an ugly sort of feeling, like someone is sitting on my chest. I'm sure it doesn't help that my job is to take care of people when they are in their last days, often their last breaths, and how many utterly sad stories that are witnessed in that role. I shake it off, and really I have thought I'd done a pretty good job about putting up those boundaries. But those stories, those people, their realities, my daughter. I'm constantly reminded that things that happen to others can easily happen to me. To her.
I don't know if any of you caught Oprah on Tuesday but it was heartbreakingly sad. She interviewed the parents of three children that were killed in a car accident. I sobbed as I watched it; really truly cried. It actually felt good to cry, like somehow I was releasing grief. Grief for that family. Grief for imagined events. Grief for the new mom I recently admitted to hospice that was my age. Grief for the family of the 9 year old girl that was killed in Tucson. Grief for every parent that ever lost a child. Grief for young children that grow up without their parents.
Grief.
At work I see a lot of sad things. I see families that are IN IT. I see people my age make preparations for their children because soon they will die. I see it, I'm present in it, I can be helpful.
But then I go home. I move forward. I love my child and my husband intensely. But sometimes, like when I'm watching Oprah on tuesday afternoon, I see that things don't run off of me as easily as I might think they do.
Oprah asked the question "what would you do if the worst thing imaginable happened to you?"
It's a question I am absolutely not able to answer.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Here's the skinny for the moment
My world became re-defined, 100%, nearly 20 months ago when you, my little tater tot entered the world. Kid, you really sent mom for a tizzy...in a million good ways, and a few interesting ones, too. Now that you're here I can not fathom a world without you. The joys and challenges of being a mom change almost daily. But right now, today even, these are the things that I know.
I love you, you little cutie!
- mom
- I know that there is no such thing as a day off. A "day off" entails playing, cooking, cleaning, getting down on floor level, teaching, laughing, playing make believe, changing dirty diapers, keeping you safe, reading, inventing new things to do.
- I know how to remove crayon marks on furniture.
- I know that CAT FOOD DOES NOT GO IN YOUR EAR!!!
- I know that you are so dang cute. And really, that cuteness will get you far. I'm reminded of this every time I pick you up, almost as though a wave of love comes swooshing over me. Sounds kind of cheesy, huh? Wait till you have a kid, you'll see.
- I know that you love helping, which is why I'll unload the dishwasher for 30 minutes as you pass me each item ONE. BY. ONE.
- I know that it is impossible for the house to stay clean for more than 4 hours.
- I know that you are interested in your potty as you always want to sit on it when you're bare bottomed. You'll read a book and show mommy and daddy how great you can sit on the pot. Then you'll go over to the corner of the room and pee. So, maybe we're not quite ready to lose the diapers.
- I know laundry. Hoo boy do I know laundry.
- I know that even the most healthy of things can be disguised if they are blended into a smoothie. Broccoli banana quinoa shakes are AWESOME!
- I know that you are so hi-tech saavy that I almost can't believe it. You know how to unlock my smart phone, go to the folder marked "Ellie's folder" and successfully play with all the apps I downloaded for your amusement. You are SO born of a different generation.
- I know that if I could go back in time I never would have offered to breastfeed as a means to soothe. As a 19 month old you are still (yes I can't believe I'm writing this) breastfeeding and the bottom line is I really have absolutely no idea how to stop. I always told myself that if my child could ask for milk then they'd be too old for mama's boobs. Now all I hear all day long is "tata?" "tata?" "tata?". Oh boy.
- I know you love the cat, and the cat loves you. But I assure you she doesn't like to wear hats and bowls and towels over her head.
- Yes I know you know how to turn on the dvd player. You don't have to keep showing me.
- I know this is a very exciting time for you, and the world is actually starting to make sense. Your vocabulary is growing so fast and your little body with your big head of hair just goes whipping through this house at full speed all day long. You are fun to watch.
- I know that you give the best hugs and the best eskimo kisses in the whole world.
- I know that I love being your mama. You make me so proud.
I love you, you little cutie!
- mom
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Learning to love
Yourself.
I saw an interview on Oprah today with Portia de Rossi (Ellen's wife) and they talked about how she got down to 82 lbs and all of the psychosis that goes along with being thin. About needing to be thinner. About making poor decisions because you don't love yourself enough to stop.
I think many women can resonate with her psychosis involving her looks. We have a lot of messages that come at us. They are hard to deal with yourself, and then factor in a daughter,
and they are downright terrifying.
I used to not love myself. I got really lost in how I was supposed to look, in fitting in. I didn't know how to put up boundaries. I didn't have the LOVE for myself to say "I don't need that. I can say no". I looked for love externally and it never came to me the way I wanted. I made a lot of poor choices. As a teenager this is scary. As a woman, I've done a lot of work on myself. I've gone to therapy, traveled alone, moved across the country alone, worked on what it means to spend time with myself. I discovered the things I loved to do and I did them. I learned to love myself. It was a difficult road sometimes and it took some really hard work. But eventually as I worked my way through my 20's I learned that I, indeed, was a beautiful woman. No matter how I looked.
I was empowered.
Now that is at my best, and as a mom it's sometimes hard to see past the snot on my jeans, the bags under my eyes, and the RESPONSIBILITIES. Sometimes I feel frumpy, frazzled, bitchy, oh-so-not-very-pretty. I fully admit that I really struggle with finding the healthy balance between being a good mother, a good wife, a good nurse, and then taking care of myself. It's the holy grail of motherhood - the perfect balancing act. (But really I digress.)
I can only speak personally but I do believe one of the biggest gifts I can offer my daughter is that I waited into my 30's to have her. In my younger days I was so different, so ambivalent, so lost in needing external verification to feel good. Because now, at the age of 33, I am the role model. Her sweet little innocence will be looking up to me, her mama, and watching how I work my way through the world.
No pressure there, right?
She will be riddled with media and messages and peer pressure about how she looks. She will question her beauty. She will question who she is. But I want her to be able to come home and SEE what it means to respect yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Show up for yourself.
It is no easy feat raising children and I'm just gearing up. I am not perfect. I have oh so many things to work on. But I have done a lot of work, and aging brings at least some wisdom with it. I am writing this blog entry as a sort of reminder for myself. For me, to be a good parent, I need to take the time for myself and proactively work on being a better person, all the while accepting myself for who I am. It's a gift I give my daughter.
It's a gift I give myself.
I saw an interview on Oprah today with Portia de Rossi (Ellen's wife) and they talked about how she got down to 82 lbs and all of the psychosis that goes along with being thin. About needing to be thinner. About making poor decisions because you don't love yourself enough to stop.
I think many women can resonate with her psychosis involving her looks. We have a lot of messages that come at us. They are hard to deal with yourself, and then factor in a daughter,
and they are downright terrifying.
I used to not love myself. I got really lost in how I was supposed to look, in fitting in. I didn't know how to put up boundaries. I didn't have the LOVE for myself to say "I don't need that. I can say no". I looked for love externally and it never came to me the way I wanted. I made a lot of poor choices. As a teenager this is scary. As a woman, I've done a lot of work on myself. I've gone to therapy, traveled alone, moved across the country alone, worked on what it means to spend time with myself. I discovered the things I loved to do and I did them. I learned to love myself. It was a difficult road sometimes and it took some really hard work. But eventually as I worked my way through my 20's I learned that I, indeed, was a beautiful woman. No matter how I looked.
I was empowered.
Now that is at my best, and as a mom it's sometimes hard to see past the snot on my jeans, the bags under my eyes, and the RESPONSIBILITIES. Sometimes I feel frumpy, frazzled, bitchy, oh-so-not-very-pretty. I fully admit that I really struggle with finding the healthy balance between being a good mother, a good wife, a good nurse, and then taking care of myself. It's the holy grail of motherhood - the perfect balancing act. (But really I digress.)
I can only speak personally but I do believe one of the biggest gifts I can offer my daughter is that I waited into my 30's to have her. In my younger days I was so different, so ambivalent, so lost in needing external verification to feel good. Because now, at the age of 33, I am the role model. Her sweet little innocence will be looking up to me, her mama, and watching how I work my way through the world.
No pressure there, right?
She will be riddled with media and messages and peer pressure about how she looks. She will question her beauty. She will question who she is. But I want her to be able to come home and SEE what it means to respect yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Show up for yourself.
It is no easy feat raising children and I'm just gearing up. I am not perfect. I have oh so many things to work on. But I have done a lot of work, and aging brings at least some wisdom with it. I am writing this blog entry as a sort of reminder for myself. For me, to be a good parent, I need to take the time for myself and proactively work on being a better person, all the while accepting myself for who I am. It's a gift I give my daughter.
It's a gift I give myself.
Monday, January 3, 2011
All good things must end, they say
Spent. Spun.
Back to the grind.
This monday has hit me sort of hard. Now, on the tails of another christmas well done, Mike has returned to work (I go back tomorrow) and I'm sort of standing in the middle of my house feeling like Christmas just bulldozed through it and is now fading away into the horizon, its little twinkle lights and christmas music moving quickly out of season. That's the bitch about Christmas..it ends. True there's a sense of relief with the ending, a sense of IT'S TIME TO GET SHIT DONE. But for me it feels kind of depressing. No more party planning, no more visits from family, no more help entertaining your child, no more christmas shopping, no more christmas cooking. Like I said, time to get shit done.
Monday is always get shit done day, and that's what I told myself when I spent nearly every free minute glued to my smart phone playing Boggle yesterday (because it was SUNDAY, and my last day of vacation). My little heart would just leap with excitement at the start of each new game and such a thrill would be had each time I found a 7 letter word. SHAMBLE! COHORTS! TROUBLE!
I'm very cool. You clearly had no idea.
In addition to my boggle-fest yesterday we also had Christmas #3, this time with Mike's side of the family. Some of these pics are precious, so allow me to subject you to my LAST dose of Christmas 2010 pictures. After all if I don't post them on this here blog, then they will quickly disappear into the thousands of pictures that will never be seen by anyone but myself. And sometimes pictures are too cute to subject them to such a fate.
Okay, no more Christmas talk. I'm officially done.
Back to the grind.
This monday has hit me sort of hard. Now, on the tails of another christmas well done, Mike has returned to work (I go back tomorrow) and I'm sort of standing in the middle of my house feeling like Christmas just bulldozed through it and is now fading away into the horizon, its little twinkle lights and christmas music moving quickly out of season. That's the bitch about Christmas..it ends. True there's a sense of relief with the ending, a sense of IT'S TIME TO GET SHIT DONE. But for me it feels kind of depressing. No more party planning, no more visits from family, no more help entertaining your child, no more christmas shopping, no more christmas cooking. Like I said, time to get shit done.
Monday is always get shit done day, and that's what I told myself when I spent nearly every free minute glued to my smart phone playing Boggle yesterday (because it was SUNDAY, and my last day of vacation). My little heart would just leap with excitement at the start of each new game and such a thrill would be had each time I found a 7 letter word. SHAMBLE! COHORTS! TROUBLE!
I'm very cool. You clearly had no idea.
In addition to my boggle-fest yesterday we also had Christmas #3, this time with Mike's side of the family. Some of these pics are precious, so allow me to subject you to my LAST dose of Christmas 2010 pictures. After all if I don't post them on this here blog, then they will quickly disappear into the thousands of pictures that will never be seen by anyone but myself. And sometimes pictures are too cute to subject them to such a fate.
 |
| Mike's brother and my neice Adaleigh. |
 |
| Of all the new stuff Ellie got nothing can entertain her like a cell phone. |
 |
| I wanted to take her home. |
 |
| My sister in law Darsey and nephew Bryce. They sort of love each other. |
 |
| Yes! And THAT expression is why Christmas is so fun with kids. |
Okay, no more Christmas talk. I'm officially done.
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