Holy crap it's almost Christmas

I feel like I dropped the ball on the whole "Christmas cheer" thing. Or maybe I should say that it peaked at the end of November. Not for lack of trying because our tivo is chock full of every cheesy Christmas flick we could stuff it with, and my ipod's constantly crooning Josh Groban christmas classics, and we did don the holiday sweaters, yo. But it's like, fizzling. Now it's crunch time and feels kind of yucky. Kind of stressful. That's what happens to queenprocrastinators. Every year. Every stinkin year.

But whatever, I feel kind of over it. It will all get reignited when we go to Cali to be with the fam.

So in other, more random news, I'm officially upset that Top Chef is over. My wednesdays will not be the same. And I'm reminded of this as I keep getting interrupted from writing this blog because I have to wipe the shit eating grin off my face as I watch these Top Chef outtakes. You know how it is, finding that perfect little escape from reality. Some, like, read. I watch Top Chef. And for the record, Kevin should have won.

Other news...I was at a pt's home the other day, and I was texting something on my phone, and yes I had absolutely horrible posture I admit, but the pt's daughter actually said to me, "So when are you due". Oh. My. God. I'm all like, "actually I have a six month old" and she's all like "oh, guess I put my foot in my mouth," and I'm all like "well I guess I was sticking my stomach out", and she's all like "yeah I remember how hard it was to lose the baby weight". Again! Oh. My. God! Ok, I admit I'm not completely back to prepregnancy weight! I admit I'm not toned and running every morning. But it's not like I have this big protruding pooch either. And I still fit in my size 6 jeans bitch! GAWD!

So Mike and I were watching my new favorite movie "Julie and Julia" and he decided the idea was brilliant and has now set out to cook every recipe in his Colorado Colore book. And yes, he even started a blog. Isn't that c-u-t-e? So here's the link to my hubby's blog. It's Top Chef every night here now.

Oh, and let me end with this. My little Santa baby. Getting so big.

Christmas party poopers.

We were told that the party we went to last night was an ugly Christmas sweater party.

Apparently the ugly sweater part was cancelled.

We never got that memo.

Will you just look at my husband's sweatshirt? THAT, folks, is why I love him so.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

Little peanut's sprouted her very first tooth!

putting Christmas aside...getting real

Some times you need to process, however that may mean for you: A friend. A song. A bath. A run. A blog. Life can come at you like a strong wind, and when it's gone you have to sift through the rubble.

I feel so many challenges as a mother. I feel sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. I want her to sleep, alone, without me. I want her to enjoy playing with her toys by herself and not need me to hold her. I don't want to see her head poppin up over her crib with tears streaming down her face and eyes saying "MOM! How could you abandon me!!" That look.

I feel challenges in my jobshare/babyshare. Today was a classic example. They were both on the floor. Ellie wanted to be picked up, I was changing other baby's poopy diaper. I got poop all over my hands. Ellie was giving my that look and crying, other baby was screaming. In my head I was reciting a mantra: "Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together."

I feel challenges as a hospice nurse. I want to meet my patients' needs as best I know how. These are their moments. And sometimes they are filled with so much Grief. and Anger. and Blame. and Sadness. And I have to be present in that. I have to be the knowledgeable, empathetic person as I watch these people die. And though I'm professional and trained and even used to it, there is a certain amount of processing that needs to occur. For example, this friday I lost a patient. And it was really the same patient/death scenario that I have been a part of so many times. But there was something about the way this man died, the way he fought. He couldn't let go. In his last hours he kept trying to get up, felt like he needed to be doing something. He'd moan out, became agitated. But I've seen all that before, and I have some tools to work through it with the patient and the family. But with this man, I really saw the thing he was struggling with above all else. He was scared. And when he no longer had the energy to fight in his body he looked at me with the most frightened eyes and said "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." I put my hand on his forehead and told him that he could relax now. There was nothing left to do. But I couldn't take away his fear. And now that look that was in his eyes keeps replaying in my head. And it just makes me so sad.

I want to meet everyone's needs as a nurse and a mother and a wife. I want to fix my patients' problems because they come to me with them, looking to me for solutions. So I go house to house, and put out fire after fire, and listen, and act, and problem solve. And then I come home to my family, and this brings me the greatest joy in the world. I want my husband to happy. We want our baby to be happy. We come home and we devote ourselves to her.

Her. Them. Him. We.

So today this knot in my throat is telling me that all is not balanced. I want to blame hormones for my variable moods these past few days but who am I kidding? I've created an extravagant painting all around me and I've spent very little time going IN.

Today I'm a loud angry sound that needs to be shout out!
I'm a forgotten flower needing some attention.
I'm a daughter that needs a hug.

Trying on different pants.

Yesterday I got to pretend I was something I'm not....a photographer. My pal Darci enlisted me to take her family Christmas pics. (Hopefully I'm not ruining any surprises here but I doubt her friends and family are checking out this here blog.) Anyway it was fun! Here's a couple of samples:

a blog with a strong emphasis on snot

First of all let me say that my little girl has the sniffles and a low grade fever. Sad.

Let me also say...HELLO NASAL ASPIRATOR! Man I got two of those things in my baby shower and I was all like, great, thanks. And I've tried using it a time or two and just thought meh! What's the big deal.

Well I have learned that it IS a big deal. Now that Ellie officially has her first ever congestion that little miracle plunger can suck out the snot from the other side of the room! It is So. Freaking. Cool. It gives her instant relief and it gives me the same freakish joy that I get whenever I find a super great blackhead on Mike and pop it. Wow that thing is cool!

In other news, boy my last post was a bit of a drag but I have been feeling HAGGARD!!!! I do that job share/baby share thing with my friend Sarah so on the days when I'm watching her kid, MAN! I don't know how you mamas with twins do it. I feel like I'm running around all day long, feeding, changing, playing stupid games, trying to settle down. Before I know it the day is over and I'm spent. And then I feel irritated because the whole day went by and I didn't feel able to anything that was for me.

In addition my child now prefers to only be held all the time. ALL THE TIME! And though yes it is mildly amusing the contortionist positions I have aquired to get things done while holding a tiny tot, the novelty of holding her sometimes becomes....well, old. I desperately long for the days where she was content for an hour in her exersaucer. And I desperately hope that this is simply a phase. It's a phase, right?????

I am finding myself suddenly longing beyond belief to get, like maybe 4-8 hours where I have NO worries. NO babies. NO work. NO work cell phone. NO messy house. I need the proverbial "me time". Yes. One day.

one of THOSE days

sad today.
not sure why.
kind of numb-ish. don't feel like smiling.
snowed last night. sure is pretty.
babies are fussy. need lots of attention.
i haven't showered in two days.
i haven't worked out in 4.
lots of things i want to do. christmas is coming.
shrug my shoulders. too many ideas, no action.
feeling kind of dead inside, even though i was bursting with joy this morning,
watching my little girl wake up, so darn cute.
i got excited to pick her up and start our day together.
but it has been a long day.
a long day.
i should do so much right now.
should do.
but i'm not gonna.
just not gonna.

Hello December

Hello December
Hello start of winter.
Hello freezing noses.
Hello cozy naps.
Hello soups and stews.
Hello warm fuzzy sweaters.
Hello teeny tiny days.
Hello fireplace.
Hello indoor fun.
Hello Christmas!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

Christmas decorations? Check!
Yes that IS a Charlie Brown tree thank you very much. Our teeny little house just doesn't have the room for a Griswold family christmas. For 2 years we actually had a CU football helmet as the "star". I still don't know where that went...sorry Mike. (wink wink)

And check out the little lump in the bottom left hand corner on the chair. That's Gabby, our newest addition. She's camera shy. Something about that whole big black thing clicking in her face thing that freaks her out. Silly kitty. She'll learn soon enough there's no avoiding the camera in this family.

So I sort of dropped the ball on that whole "I'm-going-to-post-everyday" thing. Hahahahahahahahahahhaahaha. Hahaha. Ha. When I found myself getting stressed about what I was going to write on my blog I decided that, through the miracle of technology, I could simply take my deLorean to 4 posts ago and edit that shit out. So if you actually read and saw this so-called declaration of consistency and hard work then allow me to magic wand that memory right out of there. But I will say, and I'll say it in pen, that I promise to post MORE often. Unless of course I don't. Then you can just forget you read that.

:)

Thankful

One day

The purrrrfect gift

So I called Mike to let him know Ellie and I were going to be late today and he let me know that we "had company". I knew he had been utterly conflicted when he discovered a kitten in a window well the other day and rescued it. However tonight his big fat kitty loving heart seemed to have overflowed because that tagless, outdoor kitten was invited over for a visit.

I have to admit, I've sort of loved this pet free existence. But there is no denying that this little nameless kitten really does melt your heart a bit. She's not even that cute really, but she's so...nice. So Mike put a note on the abandoned apt building door where he found her, but if we don't hear anything then, well, I guess we have a new kitten. Provided no cat allergies start popping up.

Kitty doesn't have a name yet. We're waiting for the perfect one to come to us.

Baby legwarmers

These will keep any baby's cute little leg fat rolls nice and toasty in the winter months. And they are a breeze to make! I made up the pattern, and I don't write patterns but I will try. Even if you are a super beginner knitter, you can bust these out in just a few hours.

BTW, don't you just want to eat up this little boy's thighs?

Cast on 22 stitches. (I used a size 6 needle)
Rows 1-5: knit, purl, knit, purl etc
For the next 3 inches: get a larger needle (I used a size 10) and knit one row, purl next row.
For last 5 rows: knit, purl, knit, purl.
Bind off. Sew up in mattress stitch.
You're done!

hats off to easy knitting!

So in efforts to make some homemade gifts this year I've been busting out the ol' knitting needles, constantly searching for the perfect pattern: quick, easy, and a good result. And I have found it! These hats are so super easy to make, and you can finish them in about a movie and a half. The instructions are simple. Thanks again Martha!

Yuletide starts NOW

Ok so I know there's this whole movement to keep Christmas cheer at bay until the day after Thanksgiving. But my philosophy is that Christmas is such a short period of time, and there's so much work and festivity involved, why wait?! I can tell you I've already watched the Grinch, listened to Christmas carols on the ipod and busted out the balsam fir candles. True, Mike won't let me get the decorations out of the garage until thanksgiving but his ebenezer like ways can't stop this Christmas fairy! We are going to have So. Much. Fun. this year!

And so.......to keep my motivation up, I am going to try to post a Christmas craft project/idea/motivation nearly every day till Christmas. All you folks who want to deny the christmas cheer until your arbitrary date, so be it. Then you can come check out my blog the day after thanksgiving. But for all of you other Christmas elves out there...you know who you are....let it begin!!! I've got a ton of ideas and I'm going to be Ho Ho Ho'ing all over this blog. Yes I know how that sounds. So come back tomorrow. And feel free to email me ideas if you have a great one!

co-sleeping conundrum

So it's no secret that Ellie spends her night right in the middle of Mike and I and has since birth. To our credit, she does go to sleep initially in her crib, which is in our room. Then around 10 or 11 or whenever she wakes up I scoop her up and bring her to bed with me. This is just how we've done it.

I have friends that tell me that their children sleep through the night, and I always feel that little pinch of jealousy because folks, I can honestly say I have not slept more than 4 hours at a time since Ellie has been born. Almost 6 months. We do have a room for her, but it's at the other side of the house. Our plan was to move her back there this weekend, but conveniently, it was inconvenient, so we put it off. We continue to put it off and I'm pretty sure I know why. We'll miss her.

And so here begins just a taster of a life where I'm going to have to learn to let go. I have a new found respect for all moms who let their children learn to drive, who drop them off at the mall, who drop them off to their first day of school. I can't be there with her, and that's wierd to acknowledge. Right now I feel like I would rearrange my entire life to spend every possible moment with her. And fortunately she seems to be equally in to me as I am into her. But that will change.

Being a mom is hard. Loving like this is hard. You have to let go. You have to trust the process. You have to let her learn things for herself. You have to share.

Sigh.

And so perhaps one of these days I will write about how my little daughter got her own room, and maybe one day we'll reach the holy grail...an entire night of sleeping. In the meantime, this sleep deprived, coffee worshipping mama continues to truck on, learning about how to be a parent.

Some things never change.

Six year old me is not so different than 32 year old me.

snowed in

Could there be anything more delicious than being stuck inside on a snowy evening with your amazing family, a fireplace, good food, good health, good music. I just feel like I have such an unbelievable amount to be thankful for.

Today I bought some toys for Ellie. I've never liked buying toys before, kind of hated it actually. I never knew what to get and never enjoyed the amusement. But those little rings on a stick made me as excited to buy as Ellie seemed to be receiving. Honestly I feel as though I have stepped right back into my childhood. Here I am staring out the window at this snowy sky and my mind is reeling to my childhood days. Days when we'd get up for school, knowing it was snowing, listening to the radio for the school cancellations, running outside in all our warm winter best to have the most terrific snow filled days of sledding and snow forts and hot chocolate and loving homes. And the images are so perfect, like a dream scene out of a movie. And I can't stop thinking about Ellie, and what she's going to feel, and her childhood experience. And I just want it to filled with so much warmth and love. With so many crafts and homemade dinners. With laughter. Silly games. Hugs. Creativity. Self-expression. The feeling when you walk through the front door that you are just where you belong.

I am thankful every second of the day that I have this family of mine. And when Mike comes into the room wearing his sock cuff arm bands he made, my scarf and doing a funny little Mike dance it just makes me beam inside. We are all perfect together, all three of us. I hope I never forget the joy that I feel right now.

p.s. I'm getting wicked Christmas fever....

Wicked good stuff!

Let's bury that last post now, shall we? This is a picture I took of Ellie mere moments ago. As you can see she is looking soooo much better. STill a little redness under her chin and on her belly, but the worst of it appears to be over. We did get the biopsy results back and it is considered to be a nonspecific dermatitis. Which is just telling me that her skin is inflamed and they don't know why. Thanks! Can't wait to get that bill! So the new line of thinking is that Ellie had an underlying virus and this is how her body reacted to it. Along with green poops, a raspy voice and a fever for a couple of days. Damn viruses! Be gone!!!!!

In other news, WICKED is so awesome!!!!! Wow, I still have goosebumps from last night's performance. It was so moving and my God those actors can sing. If you've never seen Wicked please do. You will love it.

Well we are hosting a little family gathering today which means one thing. I gotta clean. Sometimes having visitors is the best excuse for getting stuff done.

break my heart a little more will you?

My little perfect baby got sick, but no one knows why. It started with a little redness under her chin. That's when I cut out the dairy, thought it might be a food allergy. Then was thinking maybe it was a yeast infection because the child drools like you wouldn't believe. I made an appt with her pediatrician and that day she started getting satellite sores on her belly. They gave me a cream to put on her, which I did. And when I got up the next day she had a fever and looked like this.
My little baby girl!!!!!
So a trip to the ER resulted in orders to stop the cream. Then a trip to the pediatric dermatologist on monday resulted in a biopsy and the general consensus that no one really knows what's going on. The main theory is that she started out with a small infection, yeast maybe, and her body over reacted. All I know is that it was a horrible few days. And my heart was just bursting with sadness for my little baby.

I'm happy to report that the sores are drying up and falling off, and she has beautiful baby skin underneath. Her fever is gone (doctors think it was unrelated to anything). She does not appear uncomfortable.

I learned, and this was not new information, that doctors don't always know. And having a child in this crazy world can be nerve-wrecking. There's some scary stuff out there, and you wish that your love alone could get your baby through it. But sometimes it can't. Sometimes we are powerless. And that's a bitter pill to swallow.

A Halloween would not be complete without....

fabulous costumes.....

spooky clowns...... (guess who?)

...treats....(thanks for the idea Martha Stewart)

and a good ol' donut on a string contest...

Good times.

What a difference a day makes

We are snowed in. 12 inches of snow!!!

Wordless Wednesday

not much going on here...

...just extreme cuteness. Every day. It's ridiculous, the cuteness. Morning, cuteness. Evening, cuteness. And sometimes fussiness. But even that's got hints of cuteness. Middle of the night, oh yes, still the cuteness. I mean seriously. Nobody told me that I was going to get socked in the head with the cuteness bug. For the love of God, the cuteness!

And can I just say that yes, I know what you're thinking. I listen to myself. I see the things that I take delight in now. I see the proud look on my face when she even takes a big poo poo. I've become one of those moms that is obsessed with their babies. I said it wouldn't happen and yet, it happened. Oh yes, it happened. I didn't mean for it to happen. But then I didn't know I was going to have such a cute baby, so you know, it was sort of inevitable. I'm guessing this obsession will one day die down. I know that I have lots of other things that interest me. And those are all still entertaining and all, but they can't hold their ground next to the craziest, most powerful force going on in this house...the CUTENESS. Poor visitors.

moo.

So my kid has green limeade colored poops. And has for a while now. And a mystery rash on her neck. We haven't given her solids in a week now so this all leads me to the conclusion that...da da da! Milk allergy.

so mama's just saying no to the moo.

I fully anticipate this dietary modification to be a full blown pain in the rear on the one hand. ON the other hand, a little forced dietary modification can sometimes be a good thing. Maybe it'll help me lose these last few oh so stubborn postpartum pounds. It will certainly make me more conscientious about what I'm putting into my mouth. Which won't be chocolate, and I assure you, there is a sad face attached to that statement.

But anyhoo, poop updates to come. I kickstarted this non dairy thing only today, after a slice of cheese pizza, and then I decided to push it back till after I put some cream in my coffee, and then pushed it back just a little bit more to have one, beautiful, goodbye fudgecicle. Goodbye fudgesicle. Goodbye chocolate. Goodbye cream in my coffee. Goodbye cheese. Cheese! I'll be back! Don't go changing or doing anything too crazy while I'm gone. I'll see you soon enough, just gotta take care of some things.

the view

I worked this weekend. I worked and it was glorious out. It was glorious out and I felt happy, really really happy. And I performed my hospice nurse duties, with this happiness, as I went into a lot of very sad homes. Homes where people that are loved are dying. And of course my happiness changed. (One must be ever so present in these situations.) But then I left. I drove away in my car and headed to my home, to my family. And as I drove, with the windows down, I started thinking about LIFE. What's the meaning? What are we accomplishing? What the hey is going on?

I like when I ask myself these questions because then I remember that yes, this is my LIFE. I am very much alive. I'm sculpting this here existence each and every day. I'm composing this symphony. I'm writing this ever changing novel.

I think that we, as humans are full of so many complexities, so much depth, so much DRAMA. So much that in fact it that it can all become quite dizzying. So dizzying in fact that it really just becomes...simple. The point that is. We're here, touching each other, experiencing each other. Having small interactions and taking away what we need or want from them. Filling up with whatever it is that fills us up. Singing with whatever voice we were given. Laughing. Crying. Loving. Sharing. Going home to people that we love. Receiving love. Opening up to possibilities. Feeling the wind on our faces. Trying to ignore the urges inside of us. Acting on the urges inside of us.

Sometimes I get very lost in my life's problems. I forget to look up at the view and take things way too seriously. But what if it was me in one of those sad, sad homes. It will be one day. So I ask myself: how serious will my life seem then, when I'm faced with the concept that it will soon end? Won't I want to look up from my small, tiny life and enjoy the big expanse....the big fat world of people touching each other and of a landscape that is so dynamic, so intricate, so darn beautiful? Yes, I should think the view, my view, what I choose to see will certainly change.

Point is, we're all going to live in a sad home. One day. But not this day. Not now.

This is it.

I didn't think, as a childless girl, that I would be so overcome with the "goos" and "gahs" of an infant. I surely didn't suspect that I could play for hours with a babe of only mere months, perfectly enthralled with each new finding, each smile, each twinkle. But here I am, completely in love, almost mystified that this sort of joy exists. It is a unique joy, one that I have never experienced before, and one that fills me to such extents that it brings tears to my eyes. I have such a beautiful daughter. This little bean, this little girl that I once called "cashew-y" when she was in my womb can do so many tricks. She can babble and laugh, she can roll over, she can grab at things, she puts everything in her mouth. She can see you, from across the room, and her whole countenance will change. She'll open up with the biggest grin and suddenly my heart feels like its too small for my body. And I realize that THIS is the joy of parenting. THIS is that sacred, sacred relationship between a child and their parent. And I feel honored, humbled and mostly... I feel ready. I am a mother, and nothing ever felt so right.

pumpkin girl

I got me a pumpkin girl.

Why I love the morning.

Each morning I awaken with my child at my side, nursing, eyes open. "Good morning. Good morning. It's time to get up" I say in sing song. She smiles. She always smiles. We start our day. I love holding her in the morning, so soft and mushy, so happy and rested. We go to our stations. Diaper, clothes, coffee. This child will certainly know about coffee. We play. Pattycakes, tickle time, laugh at each other. Then sleep comes quickly. She lays in her crib and then I'm gloriously alone. I light my oil burner, each morning, a new scent. A new start. A second cup of coffee. I pick up random things. I sit at my laptop. I look at my day, determine the weather, look at my plants, get some yogurt. And listen to silence.

boo!

God I wish Photoshop didn't practically paralyze my computer every time I used it. It's so fun! These little scarecrows stepped straight ouf of vintage land with the help of a little tweaking thanks to photoshop. I love me some vintage!

the ongoing balance

I get really used to seeing people die. It's my job. I know the signs that it's impending, I (usually) know what to do to manage symptoms. I am present with grieving families and I've allowed people to maintain hope even when I know that it's not going to save someone. Families need hope. And though I can tell them the clinical presentation of their loved one, who the hell am I, as their hospice nurse, to take hope away from someone?

I've lost lots of patients. Well, all of them really, except for the current ones. And every now and then one of those patients works their way up through my clinical boundary, shines through my clear lines of "not my life" and "my life". And they get in. I tell myself as a nurse that this is never a good idea, but as a human being sometimes, I realize, it is inevitable. My tuesdays and fridays for the past two months have been spent with a very special lady with lung cancer . She was a beautiful woman who made me sit at her dinner table and have lunch with her. Who made me jewelery. Who took my face in her hands when I left and told me she loves me. And yesterday she died. And though clinically I knew it was bound to happen, I had found myself doing the thing I almost never do in my job...have hope.

So this weekend I've been shaking this off. My friends and family may not notice it, there have been no tears, but there is a certain melancholy that I am working through. I hung a little necklace she gave me, with beads shaped like an angel, on my window so that the light shines through it. And I'd like that little angel, that necklace, that light, that memory, to continue to shine. To be there in the room where my child sleeps. Where life continues on. And its a reminder that death and birth are all an ongoing balance.

the randomness such is life

So yesterday I got to experience the magical mystery that is the dermatologist. I've had this fishy thing on my arm for (ahem) years, and I guess with baby here and all and the fact that I can't imagine not being here for her, I thought that I should be the responsible nurse that I am and get the thing checked out. So I'm in said dermatologist's clinic and as soon as I told them that my father had melanoma I earned me a one way ticket to hospital gown "full body check" land. Fine. I'm a big girl; I can handle this. So in walks hotty dermatological intern. Great. I don't even like showing every inch of skin to Mike. So hotty checks me out. But apparently he's not the end all know all so in walks the actual doctor, and with her? Oh 3 med students. Fun! Let's all look at my butt now shall we? Anyway, turns out I have a little precancerous thingy on my face that they say is no big deal they can freeze it off. So here comes hotty again coming at me with this blow torch thingy and mind you we have an audience as he shoots my cheek with liquid nitrogen leaving me with this blemish the size of Texas that he promises will go away. Oofta.

So later in the evening I go in to nurse the baby, come back out into the living room and Mike has a black mustache. Black. Ok there's no surprise that he's decided to go with the 'stache because the man loves to play with his facial hair but apparently today he thought he'd go the extra mile and paint his stache with my mascara. Black, folks. Tom Selleck but darker. OMG!


And then there's my dear sweet brother whom I absolutely love if not for his fine intellect then his oh so wierd and similar sense of humor. As any facebook friend of mine knows my profile picture is this:



But now we have this:




And that's all I got.

frickin fall

you are oh so yummy.

i got music in my bones!

Music is really doing something to me right now. More than it usually does. My mom sent me this iTouch thingy and I have it with me all the time now. Here's some of my discoveries, some old, some new.

The perfect melancholy music is Damien Rice. Put him on its like you become instantly reflective, a touch morose, maybe even a tear. And you don't even have to be sad. He just makes you feel something.

The Crystal Method. I know! Completely opposite effect. Nike commissioned this group to create a 45 minute set specifically for the purpose of being running music. And I'm telling you, it's like a freaking drug. Or maybe I just feel unleashed from my postpartum body. But it's like the music runs for you. I really can't describe it. It's just really, really perfect for running. Which is why whenever I'm done a run these days I come in and tell Mike "oh my God you HAVE to listen to this". He doesn't feel the same way I do. But you know, works for me!

I used to listen to this radio show when I lived in northern California called the Bonnie Simmons show and she had the BEST taste in music. She has a website: http://www.bonzilla.com/ so I've been picking out songs, listening to the little free snippet from the itunes store, and if I like it I reserve it at the public library so I can put it on my iTouch. I just got like 8 cds the other day! Guess what I've been up to.

The song Perfect Crime from the Decemberists is SO perfect. Great beat. I love this song. Still not sure about the band itself.

Ani Difranco. She can be a bit...intense. But she's a smart cookie. She's got some pretty badass lyrics if I do say so myself.

Anyway, who cares right? Boring post? Ah, the beauty of having your own personal blog. I wish you could see me now, laying in bed in the dark with my laptop, iTouch at my side with my earphones in, trying to type oh so quietly since the little bambino could wake up at any second. But right now Lyle Lovett is wishing he had a boat in my ear and so I'm somewhere....else. I think that's where the beauty is.

and the journey leads here

So the other night I'm going through a box and I started doing the terrible, sinkable thing that I swear I actually hate doing. I started reading old diaries. Usually I feel a little embarrassed for myself when I do this, you know, once I'm out of the Big. Gigantic. Thing that I simply had to diary about. Anyway, I was reading my (ahem) diary from right before I left my home state (Maine) to move to California. I had just spent a week alone in the woods and was knee deep in all sorts of grandiose visions of changing the world and being this great activist and learning about permaculture and going to nude beaches; I simply had to move to San Francisco. And I did, despite a temporary glitch of homelessness and oh so little cash. And I met all sorts of creative, earth loving hippy friends. I was gloriously single and right in the full blown midst of total self-recreation, and in reading those diaries....I was pretty cool. I was the quintessential starry eyed 25 year old following the yellow brick road to California.

But in pouring over the pages of my past, I felt like I was reading from the life of some other girl. Not this girl. This meat eating, people magazine reading girl who yes owns cloth diapers for her youngin but can't let go of her poop scoopin Huggies. Who left her massage therapy license in the esoteric world of northern california and traded it in for a nursing degree in the city of Denver. Who could scrape the dust off her backpack with the visa card that paid for the last condo she rented. Who somehow ended up in Denver. Somehow, all of that landed me here.

So anyway, I'm just reflecting a bit. Having a baby sent me for a tizzy because my world suddenly is no longer focused on me. I don't have the freedom of those starry eyed days. I'm married. With a baby. And I'm far, far from home.

But I guess this is what happens. You follow your heart down life's paths and it just takes you where you need to be. Apparently I needed to be here. In Denver. With my new family, who I love more than anything else possible. Life has changed drastically from the crazy 25 year old me. I have some amazing life stories to bring to the table as I begin to raise this small, perfect being. But I assure you, somewhere, somewhere deep inside, that starry eyed girl remains. She's covered with lots of routine and habit, but every now and then she sticks her head out into this slow-paced world. And then you get blogs like these. Oh and lots of Ani Difranco.

starting my day

Big deal that I'm running on a small handful of fragmented hours of sleep.

Today is going to be a Great Day! The weather has turned, it's time for sweaters, my babe just turned 4 months, and we're having homemade pizza for dinner tonight.

where we are now

Weeks go by quickly now. Quickly! I'm still not believing the weekend is over by the time wednesday comes around. And a good amount of predictability has returned to my life; we've got the whole routine thing going. Part of this routine involves going to work and dropping my baby off at my friend's house, and the other part of the week is my friend going to work dropping her baby off at my house. Which means there are 2-3 days every week where I have two babies. And this, a little surprisingly, is kind of hard. Well not hard. But not easy. Those babies are not synced up and I realize I have been blissfully enjoying my baby's multiple hour naps during the day, because baby number 2? He takes mini naps. I don't get that multiple hour quiet time as I chug down my fourth cup of coffee and geek out on the gagillion blogs I'm following. So if you've been wondering why my postings have been weak here's why.

But this jobshare/babyshare thing that I have going on is a good thing. I love being able to talk about the joys of parenthood and the joys of hospice nursing with my friend Sarah. We have such an unbelievable amount in common, including babies that were born just 4 days apart, and what a treat that is. Because there are very few people that I can talk to about my kid's sleep schedule and the benefits of a morphine pca pump. God I love Sarah.

But the little jewel of my week has become thursday nights where me and my good friend Betsy (new mom of twins) go out on a date and literally burst with joy as we do the most mundane of tasks like going out to eat(!) or going to the mall (!). I can't tell you how much fun I had tonight as I got food court food and slow shopped at the Carter's outlet. It was pure joy! I mean you should have seen the bargain baby clothes. And this, I know, is a true reflection of the state of where I'm at right now. I am such a mom. Wow.

And speaking of that you would not believe how insanely cute my little girl is. My God I could just eat her up and she's doing all kinds of totally amazing things like rolling over and putting her whole hand in her mouth and pretty soon I'm pretty sure she's going to be doing crossword puzzles and singing advanced choral music. She is so, so cool.

And so I admit that occasionally I mourn for the freedom of my child-free life. Sometimes I look at the state of my breasts and feel a little tear coming on. Sometimes I am down right mystified that a person so small could create so much laundry. But then I look at her, at her little upturned nose and her sweet sweet smile and all of that melts away. I am a mom now. Wow.

My what a difference a year can bring.

Last year....

This year...

I'm just sayin....

sunday

wet earth, fresh coffee, heat on for the first time, cozy blanket, snuggly baby, no agenda, morning stretches, edith piaf french classics, poached eggs on toast.

Grief

Right now I'm remembering the emotion grief. I learned, last night, that the mother of one of my friends has inoperable brain cancer. And this information sent me reeling down my own portals of grief, portals that are permanently etched in my being now. I feel so much love and sympathy for my friend, because it is a road that is lonely and scary.

My father died when I was 27, the same age as my friend. And I can pin point the moment my life changed forever. It was the phone call at 6am. "Hey dad!" I answered. "This isn't dad" said my sister. "You need to come home. Dad died today."


My father's death was significant not only because I lost a parent, but because it was the first time that grief was introduced to my life. And that abyss, the deep, echoing tunnel where there are simply not enough tears possible changes you. It forces you to struggle through your dark places, to work your way out through the webs of sadness and anger and denial. Finding your way to the other side of grief takes work, and you will be another person once there.

That said, the other person that I became was the new me. It took a lot of time to feel even somewhat normal. I walked out of that grief no longer a girl but a woman who now knows what grief is. And I'm a little more jagged, a little less romantic, but still me. The grief part eventually morphed into something else. Now five years later, it's acceptance and appreciation, and occasionally, its a very sad moment.

During our trip to Maine this summer we finally spread Dad's ashes where he requested, in Bracket lake in Northern Maine. He loved to fish there more than anything, and now his ashes are a part of that lake forever. And though that is sad, its also beautiful at the same time.





I miss you Dad.

we survived the weekend.

Ok so answer me this? HOW are you supposed to properly use an air mattress with camping? I ask this because me and the fam went camping at, say 7000 feet or so, and though we thought we were well armed with our down comforter (hey, it's CAR CAMPING), we were utterly FREEZING at night. This was the first time we had used the air bed we bought, or, excuse me, air freezer. Little Ellie did just fine with her lambskin bed and snowsuit I made her wear. She peacefully lay in between mom and dad as we literally suffered through the night. We were So. Frigging. Cold. It was potentially the worst night's sleep I've ever attempted. But hey, we survived and it sure was pretty.


Soon after we get home Mike goes out to a buddy's to watch a game, comes home around 9 or so saying he didn't "feel so good". That was quickly followed by explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting. Poor little hubby was S-I-C-K. After a fainting spell during another freakish bathroom session I decided to turn our living room into a scene from MASH. I called my good friend Jody over (another nurse) and we got him started with an IV and gave him about a liter of fluid, which I sort of had to Macgyver together with the fluids that we had between the two of us (flushes, sterile irrigation saline, etc). It's nursey lingo but point is, we brought that color back into his little white ghostlike face in no time at all. And I was quite proud of us I must say.



Notice the fluid hanging from the nail where the picture goes.

In other news the mouse remains. We set out traps with peanut butter, came home from camping and the peanut butter is mysteriously gone. But the trap remains set. This is clearly a very smart mouse so we have moved to glue traps. And truly every time I walk into the kitchen my heart sort of skips a beat as I check down at the glue bait. But that mouse seems to be gone. While I don't really like the fact that it can just come and go like that, I have to admit, in some perverse way, I do feel this wierd sort of bond with this mouse. You know, the whole cat and mouse game, like I sort of started liking it once I stopped being afraid of it. But I'm still keeping out the trap. I haven't changed that much.