It Came Just the Same

This was a year that Ellie believed in Santa Clause. I think it is important to note this event, she's a smart and extremely observant kid. I don't think the belief in Santa will be here long. That being said I have a job as a mother. I have a job to make Christmas as enchanting as possible. I have a job to make her feel the love and magic that is Christmas. This magic comes in my undivided attention, in listening to who this child is becoming, in sharing the enchantment of the season. In truth it gives me no greater joy, but this year was so much harder than I've ever known.

I know it gets one nowhere to write about how stressed they are; we are all stressed. Stress is hard and we all know it. But sometimes stress can be a crippling thing. Some times when you are faced with change upon change upon change the only mantra you find yourself saying is "keep it together". And you try, because you want to feel good again, but that stress is a lingering, permeating sort of thing. You know it's terrible and yucky and yet, there it is. Hovering. Holidays, a new town, new house, new lifestyle, new job, and a palpable, scary loneliness.

To my family and friends, oh my God do I miss you. You have no idea how much I miss you. You have no idea how much I want your familiarity, your loving embrace, your support. You have no idea how scary it often feels to be here in this little town, so far away from everyone I know and love.

In perfect honesty, this move is so much harder than I ever imagined. Ever. It's a whole new beast of change and growth and newness. And yet for as much as I am struggling on a personal level, I have to keep it together. For her, my 5 year old love who trusts me with her world. And for me, the person I sometimes forget needs loving, too.

We live in our choices and today, I live in Salida, Colorado. I look back every single day in complete amazement at how I ended up here. But I did. We did. We can't abandon the adventure before giving it a chance, but sometimes I wonder how it will ever work out.

But it will. It always does, right?

We live in a place that postcards are made from. The beauty is majestic, healing, scary, intense. We arrived, we plotted and we got here.

We are here. And we are okay. Sometimes it just takes a reminding.

"He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!Somehow or other, it came just the same!" 

There's a lot to learn from a child. Her enchantment with this world is the thing that makes it shine so bright. Sweet child, I may be the grown up, but I learn from watching you every single day. 

I am grateful, truly.