fresh outlook

So me and my crappy attitude went for a great walk today and man don't we feel better! Nothing can soothe the soul better than a little sunshine and exercise. Yes please Mama Nature!

Anyway, so I've done a few things these past few weeks that I'm particularly proud of:

1. After our bumps and bowling balls shower I was sent home with a half of a sheet cake. Now anyone who knows me knows I love sheet cake...total sucker. But uh uh, this good girl kindly asked her husband to throw that shit down the garbage because a)I wasn't sure I could actually do it myself and b)that cake was up to NO GOOD.

2. Baby clothes and baby gifts are organized! Now this is something I would have never fathomed writing about for the sheer boringness of that statement. But now that I'm here, 37 weeks pregnant, swimming in seas of onesies, sleepers, boppies, snuggies, swaddlers, layettes (yes I actually know what all of those things are now) I was finally able to work my way through the pink madness and assign a little organization. (note to any future moms: if you're going to have a baby girl, and you DON"T like pink, then keep the sex to yourself. Fortunately, I do)

3. Mama got a nice little checky-poo from the accident a few weeks ago and instead of going out and buying the CAMERA I want so bad, I did two of the most boring things in the world.. paid off a credit card and saved it.

4. I absolutely positively suck at thank you cards, yet I managed to sit myself down one (entire) afternoon and bust through all of the wonderful people I needed to thank. This brings me great pride because it (shamedly) may actually be the first time I have accomplished completion in Hallmark gratitude world. Note to anyone that I might buy something for: do not send me a thank you card. I really mean that. My neighbor Betsy said her thank you for her baby gift perfectly....she baked me a cake! Good Lord I love cake! (your baked good is coming sister!)

5. I'm just about 37 weeks pregnant and my belly is getting bigger. and bigger. and bigger. Honestly I had no idea it was going to do this (to this extent). It's mystifying. My maternity shirts are turning into midriff shirts! So sexy. Anyway I'm proud of myself for doing this. Pregnancy was really easy...until then all of the sudden it wasn't. But the show goes on, and the baby grows, and the end there will really be something I'm proud of...

....my baby!

hanging out in upper respiratory infection land

And ain't it fun!
I've been suffering through this cold for over a week. Doc says pregnant ladies have a hard time recovering from things like colds, so take it easy.

So I ask, how easy can a girl take it? Exercise seems like a far away memory to me right now ever since I pulled a muscle in my pelvis, and I need exercise to burn out all the crap that goes through my brain. Now it's all festering in there, in my body, probably why I got the cold to begin with.
Since this is my blog, and my bitchfest I'll just say that being pregnant now officially sucks. I feel like a prisoner in my own, huge, lugfest of a body. I'm outgrowing my maternity clothes. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to socialize. My back is killing me. Work is tiring me out. I can't get the house clean enough!

Please come soon little baby! Please be healthy but please do NOT delay!

Babies, bumps and bowling balls

Last night my good friend Jody gave me and Mike such a fun baby shower. The theme: bowling with a bump (yes beer bellies counted). What a riot to be with all of these faux bumps. It was awesome to not be the sore thumb sticking out in the crowd, and I sort of had to smile to myself when they were all complaining about how hard it was to put their bowling shoes on! Novices!!

In any case, we had such a BLAST. Thanks Jody if you ever read this.

Jody, pro bowler.... Notice Mike's new look. Kind of like MaGyver meets family guy.

Bumps can come in all shapes and sizes...

So much fun. Thanks guys!

so close

I'm getting closer, I can feel it.
My pelvis feels like there's a bowling bowl on top of it. My joints are soft and stretchy, which hurts, which makes me look like a waddling duck. My Braxton-Hicks contractions are more frequent. I'm tired. I'm big. I'm SO DARN pregnant.

I'm going to try to labor with no pain meds. Now I'm certainly not closing any doors on pain relief, but epidural free is my intention. Right now. At this non-laboring moment. I want to be able to walk and move around throughout labor. I want to be as active a participant as I can possibly be. Truth be told, I'm feeling nervous. Pretty soon my body is going to be ready to extrapolate a human being from it, through the birth canal, out you know where! I do not know what this will feel like. I know it will hurt. I just hope I can stay centered and go through the pain as it progresses. I'll be counting on Mike to help me. Because he won't pass out. (we spent a lamaze class in the ER after a little fainting episode). I want my birthing ball. I want my mom there. I want our little baby to be just fine throughout the whole process. We are in this together, her and I. I know we can do it. I just have to remember that when the pain is all over, I'm going to have my little baby girl, alive and well, in my arms. I can't wait!

the cheesiest has to be displayed SOMEWHERE!!

So for our little wedding I spent HOURS putting together this video montage thing. And you know, for so much effort, it just seemed like a darn shame for it only to have had 3 minutes of one viewing. So here it is, in all its bloggy goodness, for any (or no) blog readers to enjoy or laugh at.......

Love her!

Always a good day....

Full of gratitude.

I am so thankful for so many wonderful family and friends who have really gone out of their way to show me their support throughout this pregnancy.

• My mom, for being my best friend, for always checking in, for always being there when I need to talk.
• My sister, whom I feel I have gotten a lot closer to during this pregnancy.
• Darci, for being such a great friend, giving great advice, and for throwing me my baby shower.
• Betsy, my next door neighbor turned great friend. I appreciate you so much. I can't wait to watch our little girls grow up together!
• My amazing grandmother, for her gifts, her check ins, her frequent calls when I was in the hospital. I just love being her granddaughter. And she's our little one's namesake!
• My Aunt Kay, Aunt Jo Ann, my cousins and my grandmother, for their care, and their "baby shower in a box" which just blew me away. That was so, incredibly thoughtful.
• My sister in law Darsey, for really reaching out...and for all of the nondisposable diapers!!
• And most importantly my husband, for putting up with all of my symptoms, all of my highs and lows, for enduring several nights of him forcing to watch my stomach to wait for the baby to kick, for reading the chapters in the books I put in front of him, for the excitement we get to share together as we start this amazing journey.

In all the love and support there have been gifts. Thank you everyone for the gifts you have offered. This is such new territory, and I really feel equipped and ready to go.
I just wanted to give a special shout out for the homemade gifts that I have received. These gifts, made with such love and care, have really touched my heart. Thank you so much!


beautful baby quilt made by my sister in law, Darsey

A bunny for the baby made by my Mom (or La La, as she likes to be called)

The cutest darn monkey I've ever seen! I love this so much!
Made by Aunt Kay.

What a fun little treat to get in the mail from my friend and
fellow blogger, Elizabeth. What a great butterfly mobile!

A diaper cake! Made by Aunt Kay. As I've started unraveling it
I can appreciate that this was no small project.


And such a sweet little quilt. I just love it Aunt Jo!



I am so blessed.

Too great not to share

Four hot mamas!

Being pregnant with other lovely ladies is such a great thing!

There are things I learn every day.

I'm surrounded by death. Nearly every week someone I've grown to care about dies. This is the way it is in hospice nursing. And sometimes its so beautiful, guiding someone through their last days, supporting their family, giving them the tools they need to die peacefully and at home.

But this is not the type of job that you "just learn". It's an evolution of skills, and of personal growth. Learning to sit with someone when they are in deep emotional pain is challenging. I've learned that I sometimes hide behind my clinical skills, keep it nursing only. But dying is not just a clinical phenomenon. It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical journey.

One of my pts died last night, and though I now she's in a better place, I miss her. She was one of the patients that takes a hold of your heart strings, the kind that you bring home with you because you keep replaying your interactions, because you realize you have put her in your heart. She was a strong, graceful woman. She had 5 children, adopted 2, fostered many. She played piano at her church and sang better than Aretha Franklin. And she was a fighting spirit. This was her challenge. Her spirit did not want to give up even though her body was dying. And this gave her so much confict and struggle. As her nurse I visited her several times a week, taking her vitals, titrating her meds, troubleshooting every new symptom, but despite the nursing work, she pulled me out of my clinical safety zone. I sat with her many times as she lay conflicted, giving her the information she asked for but did not want to hear, "yes, your body is dying". I witnessed her pilgrimage of fighting to acceptance, and for some reason it just broke my heart. She broke my heart, with her kind eyes and her graceful way.

This is quite a job, and quite an art. Coming home from work you think you can just brush off your day. But so often you can't, so you cope, in whatever way works for you. And this takes figuring out. There is a lot of personal awareness that you must foster. Feeling angry at home could just mean you brought home your day. Wanting to leave a dying patient's home as soon as the clinical assessment is over could mean that you are uncomfortable sitting with their grief. Checking your voicemails in the middle of the weekend could mean that you are overly invested. This job is riddled with fine lines. And each working day I start new, knowing that I am still such a work in progress.

goodbye old friend

Yesterday Mike and I went to the impound to get the last of the remains from the truck. Since the accident on Monday, el trucko is going to truck heaven. I know it's just a truck, but it was also a way of life. It took us on the most hairball 4wheel-drive roads you could imagine. It's driven across big streams, driven us thousands of miles, provided warm shelter during rainy and cold festivals, camped with us nearly every weekend in the summer. It was a camper's dream with a double futon that fit perfectly in the back, fully stocked with an egg crate mattress, down comforter, and several pillows. Camping for us was stylish and easy, just drive up and start the fire. (Ugh, I'm going to have to remember how to enjoy a tent again.) El trucko, you will be missed. You spoiled us real good.

El trucko will not be replaced. With our little one on the way it's family car time. Like I said, we are saying goodbye to a way of life.