Thankful

All night cookie making, messy kitchen, Macy's Day Parade, evergreen candles, Christmas lights, playing games, good friends, football, morning jog, stretch pants, good food, Gershwin, toddler fingers in the cookie dough, a visiting kitty, snuggles, talking about what we're grateful for, Christmas carol singalongs, hugs, and so many magical moments.

Happy thanksgiving from our home to yours.

Gratitude (amidst the snarkiness)

There are some things I've learned about this whole miscarriage process. 1)  it's a process. I always thought it was one of those "uh oh, it just ended" kind of deals, but it's not, it's an ongoing issue, a slow leak if you will (sorry) and one that continues to be a part of my reality. 2) My friends are awesome and I just love them so much...thank you! 3) During this process your "best self" might be sitting on a lounge chair on some Hawaiian beach.

A famil member sent me an email the day of my miscarriage and told me I needed to get over it and move on. At first I was kind of mad, I was knee deep in my self pity and she was trying to shine a light on that and mess it up. But of course I knew she was right. All we can do is move forward. And I am moving forward, but also really present in my current reality. Am I sad? Yes. Disappointed? Heck yeah. Inconsolable? No. I am okay. I get that this wasn't meant to be.

Tomorrow I am getting another ultrasound to check to see that all of the "products of pregnancy" are out of my womb. If they are not then I will likely have a d&c. (aka "abortion). You may not want to hear about any of this, but the thing is, no one seems to write about this stuff. You think miscarriage is this quick little process that one minute you're pregnant and the next minute you're not, only that's not the case. I may still in fact be pregnant, but there's no life to what's inside me. And it doesn't just evacuate (although I'm told in some cases it is quite quick) but rather it's a slow and consistent pull on the uterus and a constant need to have plenty of pads handy. And my mind...oh my mind! It's like someone's cranking on my bitch controls; I've been snarky and moody and if I've offended you I'M SORRY. It's been hard to navigate through this stuff. It's hard to be at work seeing patients when my uterus is pushing my pregnancy out and my mind is mush. Maybe that's why I've been sleeping 10-11 hours every night. This shit is kind of exhausting.

Do you know what I did on Sunday? I went to church. Now I am not religious at all, but I was craving some connection to something. And I DO believe in...something. Magic? A higher power? Whatever is the word, my spiritual body wanted connection. And so I sat there in the pews of the very sweet and NON-religious Unitarian church in Denver and I felt the tears well up in my eyes, the constriction on my throat. Is this all part of some divine plan? Me, my family, these strangers...what is our connection? What happened to that little soul that left my body?

Here's what I think I know....it's not about moving forward or reveling in the past. It's about what's happening now. And NOW my daughter is amazing and enchanting. NOW my husband is loving and kind. NOW the sun is shining. NOW my friends are supportive and wonderful.

There are many blessings in this world, and sometimes there are things that are challenging to navigate through. But you just do. You take what's going on in your moment, honor it, process it, and that moment will soon enough change. It's all a part of our tapestry, the black threads and the white threads, constantly working together to create the beauty that is your life.

I'm grateful for the many, many blessings I  have. Truly.

Good God am I grateful for her.

Loss

I really wanted to tell you the news that has made me positively giddy. The thing that we have been trying for so long finally happened. I was pregnant. I was waiting for the perfect time to tell you all, the time when I was out of the danger zone of early pregnancy complications.

We didn't make it out of the zone. Yesterday I started miscarrying. Unsure of what was happening I spent a good part of the day at University Hospital, getting bloodwork and ultrasound. I remained hopeful even though my uterus was cramping. Even though the spotting continued. Even though I knew exactly what was going on.

It's funny how you know.

There's really nothing funny about any of this. I will tell you that I am heartbroken. We have been trying for 1 year and 8 months to get pregnant. There's so much heartache in the trying, the periods that keep coming when you so desperately want them to stop. The inquiries about when we're going to be getting Ellie a brother or sister. The advice that people always feel inclined to give you. (Please, please do not tell someone who is trying to get pregnant to "just relax" about it. That is hands down the most annoying piece of advice that I can assure you imparts no wisdom that they don't already know.)

If this baby had made it then he/she would have been 4 years younger than Ellie. That's a pretty hefty difference, and probably one of the most painful parts about this loss. She wants to be a sister so badly. She wants a baby brother or sister for Christmas, and DAMN IT, I want to be able to give that to her so bad.

We are not complete. I just know it. But for whatever reason, our little soul has not found its way into our family yet. Why? (Pardon me while I feel bad for myself for a moment) WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD? We are good people! Healthy! Good parents! I just don't get it.

We will be okay. I'm sad, really frigging sad, but I know that this baby wasn't meant for us. I know that someday, somehow, our family will be complete, whether through my own body or someone else's (adoption), but for right now, for today, I am in mourning. My tiny unborn baby has died. It happened, and it sucks.

My mom sent this to me. It's perfect. Thank you, Mom.

Perdy pictures and a winner!

This is the holiday season of putting my digital images to PRINT. I've spent gobs and gobs of time mulling over the gajillion photos on my hard drive and finding homes for them on my walls. I've had some really cute things created, but for the sake of Christmas present surprises I'm sadly unable to share. I will however share my new PRINTCOPIA canvas print that arrived today! (I was going to give it to my mom but decided it looked MUCH better at my house instead!)

This was perfect timing for my canvas portrait to arrive, as this is the day we announce our GIVEAWAY for a free Printcopia canvas print. 

We went really old school with drawing a name...the old names in a hat trick.

And the winner is.....LAYLABLOO!!!


Congratulations, Laylabloo! Look for an email from me !

Awesomesauce

We are trucking along in our own routine. Things have certainly slowed down from summer, and the pace is nice. When things slow down the ordinary seem to become more appreciated, and I think it's nice to remember that. 

Here are some of the details we are loving over here:

Urban walks

Old pianos

Street Vendors

Neighborhood coffee shops

Pumpkins

Cruisin around the hood

The slanted light rays

Sudden snow storms

When two seasons combine

Christmas legends

Goofing around with friends

Adult play at the playground

Instagram!

Going for walks

Seeing Leonard Cohen with a girlfriend

Sweet little sunshine

Nature and sky together

The allure of black and white

A victorious election!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Starbucks during a snowstorm

Holiday shopping

Making miniature Christmas worlds

Putting Christmas decorations up too early 

Good food with friends

Ginger root and hot water

Christmas magic at the mall

Baking cookies with dad

And her. My sweet little love.

And there's another thing. But I don't have a picture and it's a bit too early. 

Alas, there is MUCH to be grateful for!

Fashion Friday...and a giveaway!!!

Oh Fashion Friday. I miss you. I miss all of those cute little toddler outfits, the ones that little miss Ellie  allowed her mama to dress her in. You've had to go away, not because I or others don't love you, but because Ellie has her say now, and those toddler clothes are shrinking at exponential speeds anyway. I'm glad you're still here, because every now and then we have a really cute outfit that, like this one, will almost definitely not be worn again.

Dress: LaFaute Voltaire
Shirt: Target
Tights: Gymboree
Shoes: Circo

In other news, I am offering a FREE 8x10 canvas print from Printocopia! This is a GREAT DEAL! If you are anything like me then you have hundreds if not thousands of cute little pictures that get sadly buried in the hard drive of your computer, lost or forgotten with time or other fabulous pictures. This is sad! Remember when we used to actually develop our film (gasp!)! This year you can deck your holiday walls with a gorgeous canvas print made from a photo of your choice. Here's what you need to do.

1) Leave a comment on this page (no, not facebook) with your favorite quote. (I love quotes). 

2) If you "like" my facebook page (linky is on the right) then you get entered twice. (If you have already liked my page just mention so in your comment)

2) Check back in on Wednesday, November 14 for the winner.

Good luck! 

One love.

This morning when I woke up the air felt lighter, my chest felt free of dread, fear. These feelings started happening last night when President Obama won the election...that bitter, bitter election. I felt the release when we saw that Ohio was blue, and the words flashed on the tv screen declaring the winner, and I whooped and hollered and actually kind of cried.

I had gotten wayyyyyy too wrapped up in that election.

It's true that I'm glad Obama won. I appreciate his ideals, and the majority of my friends seem to as well. But there are some that don't. There are some that felt today the exact way I would have felt if he hadn't won. And I felt sad for that. I felt sad to see Mitt Romney giving his concession speech knowing he put so much of his life and soul into that campaign. I didn't want him for president, but I'm still sad that he had to feel such a bitter LOSS.

And now the commercials are gone. The attack photos are not being posted on facebook. I was so sick of the name calling. Of the lying. The manipulation. I felt sick to my core, and though I know it's a game they play to get the win, I wasn't impressed with either candidate's thick and prevalent negative ads. I think it was destructive to our own collective consciousness, I really do. With so much that is wrong in the world, all of the heinous crimes that have been committed, with the natural disasters humbling us and striking with such greater consistency, this negative campaign seemed like sweet fuel to a burning fire. We needed none of it, and no one is better for it.

Except that our man won. Somehow, after the euphoria of the win, it all feels bittersweet. I feel like we all felt a loss, whether it be your candidate or your ability to go about the world free of such negativity. I feel like I want to see all of my Republican friends in the same room and have one big group hug because I want to not feel so segregated. We are one, right? One country. One collective consciousness.

One love?

YES.

Love.

I have my own patients, 11 of them, and I see them all every week in the comfort of their homes. They have allowed me to be privy to their inner circles, their families, their raw and very intense emotions. A former pro football player laying in a hospital bed unable to walk on his own. Another sweet and gentle soul, young, losing a quick and fierce battle to cancer, riddled with bone metastases. Another kind mother, starting to unravel, becoming incontinent, unable to take care of her own basic needs. This is US. These people are US. They will be. And these people, they are all alike...they are all dying. They are all acutely aware of what is important in this world at the end of the day...the love. Politics is pushed aside and the priorities become family, pain management, learning to find GRACE when your body starts shutting down.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of this. Death is sad, and it's a loss, but it's one of the things that unites all of us. No one will escape it. And as someone who sees so very much death, it's a damn good reminder that I am not dying. That this is living. And that living should be filled with all the things that mean the most to you. The things that really, YOU ALREADY HAVE.

It's one perfect, golden love. And I'm positive we share it, when we can dig ourselves out of our own minds.

The Wrath of the Bulbous Pumpkin Head

As the mom to a now 3 year old it's easy to see how much Halloween has evolved. My ONE year old daughter had no clue why her mom and dad were dressed as Middle Earth characters and she was stuck in the ridiculous (ok absolutely freaking adorable) Frodo costume. This was the year we went to two houses trick or treating, mostly for my own personal excitement...and definitely the year I ate ALL of my kid's Halloween candy. Year TWO we have a plushy care bear and her 2 friends of the same year, looking like a pinball machine as we launched them onto each neighborhood porch, each one going in a different direction. They eventually got the hang of it, and the beauty of 2 is that they really had no memory of the candy the next day, or at least, the memory dwindled quickly.

But this year was different. This year we still had a care bear, a pink one not a yellow one this time, and our crew was a bit larger. But this year the kids knew exactly what they were doing. THEY WERE GOING TRICK OR TREATING! They walked with precision and ease to each new porch, appropriately yelling "trick or treat" and the parents' almost in unison yelling from the sidewalk after each child collected their goods "WHAT DO YOU SAY?"

We hosted a Halloween get-together at our house this year. Last year we had such fond memories of neighborhood camaraderie at the home of our friends Candice and Brian status post Halloween trick or treating, but sadly they moved away. (WE MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!). So we offered up our place with the vision of children merrily playing while the adults talked about all sorts of non-kid related things (ah, beautiful rose-colored memories). But again, this year felt different. This year my house was not full of adorable little plushies who were so eagerly redirected, but instead my [very small] house contained several very SUGAR FILLED  2-5 year olds on a school night. As the parents and kids began pouring in from their successful night of sugar seeking, the chaos began. We did get some great adult convo, and lord knows those kids were having some fun, but THIS year I found myself acutely mourning the moment where I stood in my house BEFORE the party and basked in its cleanliness...I EVEN CLEANED THE DUST OFF THE CEILING FAN.  Unable to get past the sweet evergreen scent I purposely wafted through the house and the memory of NO LAUNDRY on any parts of the communal floor, I found myself trying to pick up the small tornado messes after the kids while trying to be inconspicuous about the whole thing to the grownups (of which if you're reading this I LOVE YOU AND YOUR KIDS I PROMISE!). Meanwhile my own daughter is on the fringe of a sleep-deprived sugar-laden FREAK OUT and requires soothing and mitigation throughout the party, until eventually I said (out loud) "OK it's time for everyone to go now" in my sweet high pitched mama voice.

And this year, AH THIS YEAR, the candy was not forgotten, but instead remembered first thing in the morning, and that bulbous pumpkin head filled with candy became a beacon for remembering to have a temper tantrum from dire WANTING of sugar. Ohhhhhhhhh fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Google google facebook google. After I managed to get my daughter to preschool I high-tailed it to the Dollar Tree where I bought a plethora of silly little trinkets. When my daughter came home I informed her that there was a Toy Store in the playroom and that her candy was the money. That's where she so innocently transferred over her ginormous loot of sugary snacks for a few Toy Story miniatures (which are in bed with her now...whatevah!), some playdough and other crafty fun and guys the candy was nary an afterthought! Turns out Woody and Jessie dolls ARE cooler than candy.

At least they are this year. Next year...Mexican holiday?

SUGAR!!!!!