It happened.

I've really hoped I would never have to write these words, folks, but today it happened.

I saw a mouse, inside my house!!!

I HATE (underline, underline, BOLD) mice. They make my spine do this gyrating thing and I'm pretty sure they are the grossest creatures in the world. Well maybe except for bats, which are pretty ugly, but not as dirty as mice. I have this deeply ingrained detestment for the furry little rodents. I know not why, only that I do, and though I don't like to be a reactive sort of person, when I see a mouse, in my house, I freak out. Which I did, only inwardly because I was holding the baby, who I was trying to get to sleep.

Ok so that was 4 hours and ago, and, changing the subject, she just went down. I mean Oh. My. God child! We did everything under the sun and my boobs have essentially lost all feeling from nonstop nursing. She gets so close she's there. And then I ever so gently start to extrapolate myself, freezing in place if she starts to wake up a touch. If she's kind of limp and wet noodley then I oh so slowly lay her down. And then, magically, as soon as her head touches that crib mattress, "Waaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!". Shit. Start over. Times four hours.

Any way going back to the mouse thing. I don't know what we're going to do. We need to get mouse traps but what happens if it goes off and Mike is at work. No Way! I'm just so bummed that this has happened. I thought we had this nice little secure bungalow, free from disgusting critters but now my sense of security has been compromised. And if you are judging my seeming ridiculousness about this mouse fear then you truly have no idea what it's like to be grossed out this bad. I hate mice.
and truth be told, squirrels, because they look a little too much like mice, with furry tails.

Getting her feet wet

I'm writing this post melt down.
Even though something as simple as going to Babies R Us should be relatively easy, it's not. Well things were fine, it felt great to be out and about with my l'il one. Then factor in a car ride, quickly followed by Loud. Relentless. Screaming. I'm talking gulping wails, horse throat, thoughts that surely there is a large creature in the backseat munching on your baby. There isn't. But no matter how much you tell yourself she is fine, she just wants to be picked up, no matter how loud you turn on the radio, your own personal meltdown is almost assured. If you're a mom. Then factor in traffic, with death threats to anyone who tries to slow you down. DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A SCREAMING BABY IN THIS CAR???? People wonder why we don't enjoy mommy daughter jots around town more often.

Anyhoo, my little munchkin, despite her infrequent meltdowns (and my own) is a pure delight. Seeing her discover the world around her makes everything feel different for me. It's like the little details in life become shiny again, and you see them through the eyes of this new, tiny human. Though actually moving about in the world is not as easy as it once was, it's worth every ounce of effort. There is no greater happiness then watching her delight as she discovers herself and her surroundings. Being a mom is so very cool.

Wordless wednesday

Olivia and Austin. Their mom Darci is in the background. This picture is hilarious! It says so much!

She's growing up.

Little peanut girl.

Every day you become more sturdy,

less like the noodle I brought home,

more like the little girl you will one day be.

Sometimes I long for the days

that your legs will carry you

and you will discover the world with captive fascination.

But then you will not be my baby,

constantly needing to be held.

I want time to speed up

and slow down all at once.

I pray I never forget

how sweet your face is right now

when it catches my eyes and you open up

with your lopsided grin.

I hope never to forget

the sweet smell of your baby hair,

the smoothness of your skin

the sounds of your cooing, as you begin to discover

the voice that will soon sing its own song.

I pray I do not forget the way my heart feels

as you nestle in my bosom

and how everything became powerless

in the shadow of this immense

and beautiful love.

well that was fun

As you may have noticed, I've recently experimented with Google Adsense on my blog. I was leery for so long but thought, hey, maybe can I actually make a little money doing this blog thing that takes up so much of my time. I tried to ignore them the best I could, neatly stuck them on the side of my blog. But when one of the "random" ads was posted on my blog today for baby caskets (!) I thought "F That!" Not having any control who gets to appear on my blog just doesn't work for me.

So the blog is back to normal. Experiment over.

Television: hate to love it, love to hate it.

[At this particular moment] I hate the television. It's amazing how many channels of crap there are. When it's on pointlessly (read: nothing good on) I get this wierd feeling that it's filling me with all sorts of brainwashing hidden messages to go out and like buy Tide or worship the devil or something like that.

This of course doesn't apply when there's something on that I actually like. I'm very hypocritical this way.

I have this friend and her and her husband don't even own a t.v. Which is probably a little too far in the other direction for me. But we stopped by their house last night and I could see in their windows as we walked up their drive. There was J, sitting with his glasses on, reading in the soft light, and there was S, sweetly playing with the baby. Sigh. It looked like heaven. Sweet, comfortable, quiet heaven.

The concept of television brings up some debate. How do we want to raise Eleanor in relation to television? TV was a big part of my childhood. My world was largely molded by 80's pop culture; I would spend hours watching television every day. But tv is different now. I mean you can say bitch, ass and I think maybe even shit on regular tv now. I can just see Punky today telling Henry to shut the fuck up about her leg bandana or Natalie and Tuti calling Mrs. Garrett a bitch ho for making them room with Jo.

So what kind of example do we want to start setting?

My vote is this: To watch television mindfully. There are some awesome shows out there that are great fun to watch; I don't think we should stop all television watching fun for the sake of the youngin'. But when the show is over, turn off the tv. There has been so much wasted time flipping through channels, trying to find the best option in a sea of crap. I mean how many freaking episodes of Iron Chef can a person watch? But as easy as that sounds to do, I think Mike and I have both been mildly conditioned to think that tv = time to relax. Take away the tv and you have to actually entertain yourself! Gasp!

I actually really enjoy shared quiet times. I feel more creative, more comfortable, and more content in my home. So unless it happens to be time for The Office, Heroes, Ellen, Top Chef, True Blood, a Rockies game (for Mike), the morning news, or the occasional Sex and the City rerun, my vote is to keep that puppy off!

dinner and a movie

Well hey guys, guess what I'm doing tonight?
I'm going on a date!

It's about time we had a little one on one time, just the two of us. You know we're all shotgun married, baby comes and rocks our world and we're like hello? Who the hell are you?

I love him, I do. But I'll just say that we need this.

A friend of mine came over today, with her little 6 week old baby, and we caught up and talked about babies and gooed and gaa'ed over our little ones and in the back of my mind I'm thinking, man, who'd of thunk I'd be here, actually enjoying this. Life is funny. In a split second it completely changes and you're forced into a new way of being meanwhile perhaps standing with your mouth open saying "but, but, wait....". Being a parent is really nothing like I thought it'd be. Except that I knew that I'd love her. And I do. So stinkin much.

So the big decision of the night is "The Hangover" or "Julie/Julia". I'm pushing for Julia but we'll see.....

Top 10 ways you know motherhood has changed you

1. You accidentally talk to your adult friends in baby talk.
2. You become hypersensitive to the state of germs on people's hands
3. You told yourself while you were pregnant that you would NOT be one of those moms that bores people by talking about their baby all the time however you just happened to have given birth to the coolest baby ever.
4. You go to Kohl's and don't even look at the women's clothing. You head straight for the baby section.
5. You finally know what it feels like to max out your memory card on your camera.
6. You remain as unorganized as ever however your baby bag might as well be a catalogue piece for the Container Store.
7. Vacationing to Disneyland actually sounds pretty cool.
8. You think nothing of sticking your finger in your child's diaper to see if she pooped.
9. Days are measured not in hours, but in naps.
10. You discover your heart is capable of loving more than you ever imagined.

The beauty of multi-tasking

Having my little one has made me long for extra limbs. Baby's needing to be held All. The. Time. Which is generally fine because I love the stinker so much that I crave her when she's not with me. BUT, sometimes I have like, real life adult things I need to do, like eat, or put on mascara, or water the tomatoes, or (hush voice) go to the bathroom. You know.

Thank God for wraps, number one. My life would be relegated to a little pile on the couch without my Snugli and Moby wraps. But even with baby safely stowed kangaroo style, you have to learn to be a multi-tasker, a balancer, calm and collected and use more than just your two arms to get things done. Needless to say, new baby = new skill set.

Ellie went to her first Rockies game Saturday and though I was kind of a nervous Nelly because it's so stinkin loud, I just gave her a little set of "earmuffs" whenever things got out of hand sound wise and she did great. GREAT. Mike went out after the game and her and I headed home, and just as I predicted, melt down. I hate hate hate the sound of crying baby in the backseat of the car. You can't get to her, you can only listen and it downright sucks. STILL, I had the perfect vision for my night alone with baby and it entailed chick flicks and a big order of Pad Thai. So I hauled crying baby into Thai bistro, got home, settled her via boob and 45 minutes later wanted to enjoy my pad thai (I was so psyched for this). Of course it's cold, so I heat it up, mind you baby is still on boob, go to sit on couch but spill drink, then pad thai falls on ground, baby starts crying, and I'm close behind her. It was one of those mama moments. And yes, I ate the pad thai anyway damn it.

Go Rockies!

This is what happens when your husband goes baby clothes shopping without you.

Sigh.

Pipe dreams and booby hickies

I guess I'm going to bed at 8 now. I don't really want to. But even despite extreme exhaustion, calming bedtime rituals, hours of boob time, little Ellie refuses to sleep unless she has a parental unit within an arms reach. So we're chillin in bed, aka new office. Whatever.

So I started back to work, and though I was mildly freaked out at the concept, once I was there it felt GOOD. It felt like a novelty cruising around in my little car and being able to stop, run in and get something somewhere if I wanted to, you know, and not have to make it an hour long production. And fortunately I DID remember how to be a nurse, because there was a part of me that was wondering if those skills had left the building. There seems to be a good deal of muscle memory there. As far as Ellie, well I was lucky because Mike is taking off two days a week to stay home this month, and those are the two days that I'm working. Mondays and Fridays. Really, this is quite a good gig. Things will pick up more in September but that's then and it's not now.
I have a new fantasy though. Wouldn't it be dreamy to NOT go to work, but rather stay at home and be a full time blogger? Pipe dream I'm sure, but I am starting to slowly investigate this world of making money blogging. I know that people do it. I also know that I LOVE to blog. But this blog probably wouldn't make it. Not enough people know about little old me so there would have to be some tweaking. And so I'm more or less just writing this to help turn my own creative process into something more tangible. After all folks, why the hell not?
As a completely random side note...Ellie and I co-sleep. (Read: she sleeps right next to me.) This is all for the sake of getting a good nights sleep, which I surely do...now. Little Ellie wakes up, I throw her a boob and we're all happy. Trouble is sometimes she loses her latch and starts sucking on my skin while I'm sleeping. I guess this is why I woke up today and there were hickies all over my boobs. If I showered at the gym the ladies might think I was quite the little sexual deviant. And it'd be kind of fun if they weren't from her. But they are. Always from her.
And if anyone cares we are making the switch to cloth diapers today. So look out water bill, we're coming to getcha!

My guru

There are many things in this life of mine that I am blessed for. But one facet in particular are my friends with babies. I never knew this would become so important to me until I had little Ellie. As I've experienced my daily struggles and triumphs, it's so refreshing to have a support system of female mommies who actually care and contribute to this new language I'm talking in.

That said, there is one person in particular who is two steps ahead of me, plowing the road during a winter storm as I drive directly behind her. Said guru is actually my next door neighbor Betsy who has, count em, not one, but TWO infants to take care of. And that alone puts her in a respect bracket that I never knew existed. I soak up her wisdom like a sponge, I really do. Betsy's babies have 2 months on little Ellie, so I always feel like I'm getting a preview. I can't tell you the number of times I've said to Mike, "Betsy said...." and "Betsy does this....." And to think just a few months ago her and I were relishing in our pregnancy bliss sucking down Dairy Queen milkshakes and talking about all the things that were to come, both completely ignorant to How It Really Is.

(Zoe and Jude with Ellie)

Our close proximity has been awesome and I've spent many an afternoon over at this household watching Betsy perform her "circuit". Babies breastfeed (sometimes tandem), burp, change diapers, swing time, bumbo chair to play gym to tummy time to jumping station thingy to change diapers to breastfeeding to nap time. Holy crap! Before you know it literally hours have gone by and I realize I have beads of sweat and I was only spectating, holding my little sleeping baby . Add a little cholic to the situation, a little swine flu (yes, swine flu), make it out to the other side and you are officially.....


A Guru!


I know that Betsy often hears from people "I don't know how you do it". I don't think anybody "knows" how they do it, until its here, and they must. I think it's amazing the amount of strength that a person can muster up when the situation calls for it. Betsy and all you other mamas out there with multiple babies (like Kim), my hat goes off to you. I don't know how you do it.

Oh yeah....come to mama!

I thought to myself last night that perhaps it was wierd that I wanted to go to bed just so I could get up and have my morning cup of coffee. I couldn't wait. Could not wait. Why did the nighttime have to take so darn looooong?

This isn't my first post about my love of coffee, and I think it's safe to say that I'm hooked. That might explain that deep seeded joy that I get when I smell those moutwatering beans. And those days when sometimes, just sometimes, Mike gets up and puts a pot on for me (he hates it...)(I know.) and I feel just like a cartoon with the smell hitting my nose and essentially pulling me out of bed like a rope was attached to me. My mom once said it was like having a warm hug and I thought you know, that mom, she's on to something there.

But I know why I love it. Because, well not only does it taste good, it means something. It means a fresh start, a new day. That morning cup says that the day is my oyster, and that cup of coffee is setting it up. And I love fresh starts. Especially the coffee flavored kind.