Still here

I've had several people tell me to get on with the blogging and post something new. There are two reasons why I've been slacking on this. a) because being a new mom is so much more time consuming then I ever thought possible and b) because I don't want to bury my last entry. My last entry was the best entry I've ever written and the best moment I've ever experienced. And now all other entries send that one stellar entry down south to no-man's land on the blog. Sigh.

So it's day 8 of Eleanor's life and I had no idea things would change this much. I wasn't prepared for the anxiety, the oh-my-god-she-hasn't-moved-in-over-a-minute feeling. I wasn't prepared for the emotion, for the intense, rock your world LOVE that would occur. I could sit and look at her for hours, studying every grimace, every crevice on her beautiful baby skin, listening to every coo. She is so totally awesome.

But there have been struggles. Number one being my MILK. It seems that my milk is here, but not a whole lot. I've never felt engorgement or let down. This has really led to some feelings of inadequacy. Of course I want to be able to provide nourishment for my baby as nature intended. But apparently I have to work a little harder at this than others. So now I have rented a hospital grade breast pump. When Ellie wants to eat I feed her from breast as normal, then pump, then give her the supplemental milk that I create. It's very time consuming; about an hour per feed. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. The experience of breastfeeding is very important to me. However this lifestyle certainly can't be maintained for a super long time. So I'm just praying to the milk gods to please give me a little extra attention right now.

I cry a lot. And I'm not really sad. I'm told that this milk production business really messes with your hormones, so I'm attributing much of the crying to that. Plus there's the lack of sleep, the quintessential new mom phenomena which has not escaped me. It's amazing how well you (think you) can rally on very little sleep. Which probably yields to the crying. And then there's that little precious nugget of love that you realize you'd do anything for. And that feeling makes me cry because I don't know what else to do with that emotion. So I cry it out. Kind of wierd.

So if you saw me 10 days ago, and you saw me today, you would have to notice the changes. I'm not pregnant (!) for one, and for two I've become a different person. I'm a mom now. And I see the world through these new mom eyes. I think of things as how they will affect myelf and my daughter. If you could look inside my body you would find a heart that was so engorged with love that you wouldn't even recognize it as my own. And that's the way I feel. Overcome. Overfilled. Overtired. Overjoyed.

and then there were three...

I have a daughter. Her name is Eleanor Grace Nicklasson. She has the most beautiful chubby face, a little button nose from her father, inquiring eyes that melt my heart. She was born this morning at 0118. She arrived on her due date, perfectly ready to join the world.

The birth story
Thursday morning I woke up depressed. I was through with work, mom was still staying at the house waiting for me to have a baby, I was uncomfortably pregnant, anxious. I slept in until 11am.

At 2:30 I saw a nurse practitioner at my ob clinic. Upon examination she found me to be 6 cm dilated, 100% effaced and with bulging membranes. She called me at home soon after our appt. After having talked with one of the doctors, she was advising me to go to the labor and delivery deck, to the observation unit, as I was a high risk of having quick labor, potentially at home. I happily called Mike to come home and got our bags together. Let's get this show on the road!

At the hospital, once hooked up to the monitors, I realized I was having contractions. I had actually probably been having them for a while, but they only caused me discomfort, never pain, so I did not pay them much heed. The doctor on call, a lovely doctor whom I instantly liked, discussed rupturing my membranes. I knew this procedure meant that labor would be imminent, so it did not take long to decide to move forward with this. She ruptured my membranes at 7:30pm. Her assessment found me to be 5cm dilated.

Things picked up quickly from there. My contractions became stronger and more frequent. I breathed through them with focused breathwork, aware of the growing pain in my uterus. But soon the intensity changed. The pain became excrutiating, contractions were coming within a minute of each other. I became a different person, unknowing of anything that was going on except the intense pain within my body. I howled, I moaned, I clutched. I could do nothing but lay in a fetal position while my body and mind writhed, struggling to get past each peak. After 2 hours of this the resident checked my cervix and found me to be 5.5 cm dilated. I had only gained half a centimeter of progress. This news broke me and finally I asked for the epidural. No, begged for the epidural. I could not handle that amount of intensity for what could potentially be hours to get me to 10 cm.

After the epidural the labor dynamic changed immensely. I left the place of excrutiating pain and came back into the birthing space. I was able to engage with Mike, my mother and the labor team. It was miracle medicine, pure and simple. 45 minutes later when the nurse checked my cervix she said the I was fully dilated and it was time to push. I had gained almost 5 cm of progress within 45 minutes of epidural!

I pushed for about 3o minutes. Mike and my mom were both holding my legs coaching and supporting me. The room became full of anticipation and excitement as this baby began making her way into our world. And then she arrived! They placed her almost immediately on my stomach and the moment became a forever moment, the kind of moment that contained nothing less than pure magic. I looked at her, this being that I had nourished and loved for 9 months inside of my belly. She was alive and beautiful and perfect and in that moment I knew that everything had changed. Love took on a new meaning, a meaning that was so acute, so real, that it almost hurt. My life was no longer my own.

What has followed in these 24 hours has been magical and completely consuming. A world outside of this little girl is so far, far away.


Eleanor Grace Nicklasson was born at 0118 on May 22, 2009. She weighed 8 lbs 1 ounce.

Attention pregnant ladies

This message is for any women who are about to enter the childbirth waiting game: that awful space starting at 37 weeks and ending with labor.
Now I've done a lot of internet research about ways to potentially induce labor, and I've tried several. Here's a little list of all of the things that I have personally proved to myself DON'T work.

• spicy foods
• walking (though it does feel like progress is being made with all the pressure you feel)
• sex
• evening primrose oil
• red raspberry tea
• having your "membranes stripped"
• nipple stimulation (ok something happens here. Lots of cramping, discomfort. No labor)
• accupressure points

Turns out patience is the only thing that will get you there. Mother Nature probably just chuckles when you try to speed up the process with all of this other hubbabaloo!!

all of those "huh" moments

Life is funny. I think a lot of life we are reaching for things we do not have, or places we would like to be, or circumstances we would like to have happen. And I think that in that longing you lose a little from where you currently are.

Work has been historically really stressful and busy for me. But now I'm down to very few patients and I could go all day with just a few emails. Sometimes I look down at my phone, which I have cursed so many times, and think, huh. No one needs me right now. Wierd.
And this whole childbirth biz. It's no secret I've been completely impatient about meeting my little girl. And so here I sit in my house, alone, nothing really important to do, the whole day to myself really. And so I think, huh. Maybe I should be enjoying this.
And then there's the pregnancy, which is a beautiful thing but I certainly have done my complaining throughout all of it. But one day very soon there will be no baby in my belly, and I have a hunch that I'll put my hand down there like I so often do and there will be no little kick to great me. And I'll probably think, huh. I'm alone in my body again. Wierd.

And so my lesson for right now is to be present in the situations that I am currently in. Everything is temporary and perhaps it won't be long until I long for this again.

Ready?

Bag packed? Check! Baby in good position? Check! Cameras charged? Check! Labor music mix? Check! Baby clothes? Check! Cell phone charged? Check!


38 weeks pregnant

I'll be sure to keep ya'll posted!!

I thought for sure I would love this movie...

and I did! The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was wonderful, heartfelt and such a sweet little story. I highly recommend it next time you're lining up your Netflix queue.

Size DOES matter!

I'm big. People don't even pretend to not notice this belly. People come up to me like we've been friends for years, asking me about the baby. People are always helping me carry things, offering me seats, letting me get in front of them in the restroom line! In some ways, pregnancy is great! I've never gotten so much attention.
Boy I sure can't wait to see what happens to my big belly when little baby is in my arms. Does it just turn soft and mushy? What about those abdominal muscles that were so rudely shoved aside? What's it going to feel like with my new-found void, with no little feet to poke me in the ribs?

I've been walking every day. Today I walked long, hard and fast. The weather is gorgeous and me and this belly went cruising through the park, ignoring all of the belly glances, blasting the walkman. I even passed people today; I had so much darn energy.

But still I'm here and I feel no different. I know she's coming, but she's going to get LOTS of walks in the meantime to try to speed the process along.

How to have a lovely wedding with little cost

Go to a pretty park.
Find a friend who is a pastor to marry you.

Ask someone you know to perform the music. (my mom)


Keep the wedding party very small...

But full of very wonderful people...............



Have great friends who will host your reception for you....

Make all your own decorations. Martha Stewart is very helpful here.

Make a friend who is a baker....

Write a pretty song to sing for your new husband...

But realize if you're pregnant you might have some trouble getting through it...

And most importantly, find the perfect person to marry.

I know I sure did.

I love you Mike!

She's here!

Boy I didn't think I would have such a big baby.

And I didn't think she'd be quite so hairy.

But isn't she c-u-t-e???