running

You probably haven't noticed, if you're a facebook friend of mine, that I've stopped logging my runs on my FB page. I mean who really cared anyway, right? Except I did have this silly logic. Anyway, I've stopped doing that.

I have not stopped running, just simply shed the accountability. I have found that once I got rid of the timer, the timer against myself, against my friends, my BROTHER, that the whole act of running became enjoyable again. When tied to a device that held me accountable for my miles and speed, it pushed me. I went faster than I normally do and used that accountability to push me harder.

And true I am a big fan of pushing myself, but I believe the motivations need to come from a place that is healthy, that will provide endurance. With this whole fb accountability I would become very frustrated with myself when I wasn't running to the caliber I expected of myself. I didn't put on the miles like I wanted to, mostly because I was running out of breath from keeping a pace that wasn't what my body needed. Truthfully I wasn't having a lot of FUN. My motivations were based on expectations, not in doing what felt good to me and my body.  Though it felt good to be "faster", in the end it bogged me down, because it wasn't the pace that I needed for myself.

I was thinking about this in the shower just now, as I was cleaning up the grime from a 7 mjle run in 95degree heat. How easy it has been to run with no self imposed expectations. No facebook stats for all to see. When running anonymously and without judgment, it just felt GOOD to keep going.

Why do I do this with the expectations? As a mother, a wife, a nurse, a family member, I feel expectations that I must meet. But who puts those on me? The only place to point the finger is at myself. I [have tendencies to] get stuck in the hopeless cycle of comparing. Comparing running stats, the progress of my child, the relationship between me and my husband, you name it. In the end it is such a concept in futility. It takes the power away from the rhythms of my own life when I compare it to others. It makes my own unique gifts tougher to see.

Pacing is an important concept in running and in life. You pace to endure. You listen to your body, and your heart, in doing what is right FOR YOU. And for your family. Your pace is highly personal.

Sure I still like to push myself, because it feels good to me to do so. But I want my limits and expectations to be defined by me.  I do at least  one speed workout a week, but now mostly when I run I go slow. I breathe easily. And I can run so much further. There is no phone. There is no music. There is only me, my breathe, my pace. And it feels damn good.

Last August weekend wrapup

On this very HOT weekend:

• I enjoyed NOT packing to go somewhere out of town.
• Went hiking in Boulder with the fam.
• Went on an all girl bike ride through the city and beyond. 
• Made a chocolate zucchini cake.
• Had a bbq with friends.
• Ate homemade ice cream that Annie made that is SO DARN GOOD! (basil with candy coated pine nuts!) (and she left some in the freezer)
• Went to the finish line of the Pro Cycling Challenge.
• Endured immense heat and crowds to do so. 
• Read a book.
• Watched the IAAF World Championships and was surprisingly riveted. Especially with this event. 
• Watched Ellie ride her tricycle. 
• Tracked Hurricane Irene and was grateful to only be privy to it via media. Though I admit I was a little jealous of the rain. 
• And well, about a million other little details. 

Another weekend well done.

Happy Birthday to Tatas...and fashion friday

Wha? You don't sing Happy Birthday to your breasts? 

Ok, ok, it's not really the birthday of my tatas, but Ellie has spent the past evening singing Happy Birthday to them.. so sure kid, why not.

This summer has been such a whirlwind. So much packing and unpacking. So much heat. So much FUN. But we are ready to move on to fall. Those summer energies could sure use a nice dose of some cool, crisp air. So I admit I get a little bummed out when I see record setting temps all week. I have to remind myself to enjoy it while it's here; soon it will be cold enough. Though I do yearn for just a couple days of RAIN. Or CLOUDS. Some break in the sky that shields the sun and gives permission to just hunker down inside. Summer is just not for hunkering. 

Dress: Hartstrings
Shoes: See Kai Run (my favorites!)

Folkin' out

Have you guys ever heard of 8tracks? It's sort of liked mixed tape for today's world. I played with it a little, you can check out one my mixes here. 

I am so folked out right now. I just spent the day working from home organizing my itunes playlists, discovering new music, making playlists of awesome music I forgot that I had. This past weekend I went to the Planet Bluegrass Folks Fest, again, and enjoyed all kinds of summery outdoor folk music. 

I realize folk music isn't super cool, or super fancy, but that's exactly what I like about it. It's simple. It's not manufactured or overly produced. It's just sweet songs sung and played on instruments. And though I don't crave it for every musical fix, it's often what I turn to when I need to relax, or when I need the atmosphere in my home to feel a bit more calm. 

To me, music epitomizes all that I love about summer. It changes the mood. It makes things less (or more) intense. It makes sense out of a bewildering emotion. It catalyses what's going on inside. It transports you somewhere else. And it makes the world so darn pretty. And music + summer + colorado is just the most magnificent combination. 

You might not like THIS kind of music, but I sure hope you have something that gets you to your core. It's just too fun.

Having it all

Oh man sometimes I kind of suck.

I have this annoying quality of not being content. It curses me, it does. It shines that pretty, sparkly light on the other side of the mountain. I'm always reaching for something else, changing directions, never sitting still. I love it and I hate it about myself.

I briefly wrote about how I recently changed jobs, and though I won't bore you with the details on WHY I found it so absolutely necessary to leave my old job, I have to admit I miss it. I miss the perks, the very little driving, and about a hundred details. The new job is new, and it's more intense. Right now I'm in training mode so I'm hightailing it to the other side of town, in traffic, to the office where I sit on a computer all day to watching webinars and learning their charting system. (I am hating it, but remind myself that it's temporary) Then I come home, in traffic. All the while I'm jonesing at the bit to get to Ellie's preschool so I can wrap my arms around her. You guys, if you saw her when I pick her up you would melt into a million little pieces right on the floor. No matter what she's doing, however engaged she is, she lights up when she sees me. "MOMMY!" as she runs to me and buries her head in the crook of my neck. She'll stay with her head in that crook for a good 10 seconds as I squeeze her and feel my own heart swell out of my chest.

Every single afternoon. Five days a week.

Are you a puddle on the floor? Cause I sure am.

I'm being totally honest when I say that I don't ever like to be apart from her, you know with the exception of a couple hours a day to do a few things for myself. And that right there sums up how much I struggle with being a working mother. How much I crave seeing my precious babe. How fucking sad I feel that I have to be away from her as much as I do.

So going back to my original point, when I left my other job I wasn't being the kind of "nurse" I wanted to be. The BEST nurse I could be. The position I was in didn't allow it. So I changed, because of this desire and let's face it, because of the money. I left my cushy little job with very little driving and a TON of downtime for the stress and gruel of being a hospice case manager again. I left for a job that is more demanding, more stressful, and way way more intense. I left because that's the kind of nurse I want to be. It really is.

How do you be the very best you can be in all facets of your life? How do you have a successful career and give it the kind of attention it demands and be the kind of mother that you want to be as well? These are rhetorical, and they are questions I ask myself every day. I pull from one to give to the other. I take time away from my daughter to be a nurse and when I'm working I do everything I can to get home as soon as possible. It makes my job suffer, sure. Just as having a job makes my parenting suffer. The whole balancing act is a great big debacle sometimes. And yet sometimes it's this elegant dance that "works". Each day is different like that.

Ah contentment. You elusive little bitch.

off the grid

We went away this weekend, begrudgingly at first as it had been a realllly long week. And camping, well, there's just so much dang PREP. Prep and PACKING. But we had this long standing reservation to a wilderness yurt way high in the mountains near Eagle, CO, and so we went, just the three of us. Turns out, it was

awesome.

We like to camp and all but I'm embarrassed to admit that we rarely are without electricity and water, or at least without very easy access to such. But we had none of that. Instead we had a stark yurt set deep in a gorgeous valley. No entertainment besides a game of Candyland, my guitar, our own conversation, and NATURE.

We went on a couple hikes and ended up stumbling upon a riverbed near our yurt that was, to me, magical. We explored it for, literally hours, all by our lonesomes. We waded in the cool waters, built cairns, chucked rocks, and relaxed. Really, truly, relaxed.

So this weekend I'm thankful for stepping out of my (our) comfort zones and enjoying the simple things. Ironic how the simpler it gets, the more full my heart becomes.

The art of toddler photography

Though not impossible, toddlography is TRICKY, and there are several elements that I personally suggest to making your toddler photography session one that doesn't make you want to run for the liquor cabinet.

Three little girls

I am so blessed to have my very good friend, Betsy, living next door. I'm even more blessed that Betsy has twins just two months older than Ellie. Our little girls have known each other since the wee beginnings of their lives, and now they are schoolmates at a nearby preschool. They are the closest thing to "sisters" that Ellie knows. And well, we (Ellie and I), just love them. Love that whole darn family. And we are so grateful for having them in our lives.

Just a few months old

One year olds

Two year olds

TIME, SLOW DOWN!!!

Love, on fashion friday.

.

Through the good

and the bad

and the fun

and the sucky

she is my little peanut girl.

I love her with all that I am.

Dress: Pippa and Julie
Shoes: Run Kai Run
Headband: from an adorable sock shop in Breckenridge


I AM SO DAMN GLAD IT'S FRIDAY.
Happy weekend to you!

House of pain

Our summer of exhilarating, adventurous, freedom wielding FUN has ended.

**screech!**

Oh MA GAWD. 

Ellie has become a bit of a monster. (And future Ellie, know that we LOVE you VERY much should you ever read this) Nothing can make this child happy. If she wants something and we do it then we do it ALL wrong. Then it's tantrum after tantrum. I mean literally, tantrum after tantrum. 

Ellie has started preschool. And the IRONY is that each day that I have picked her up this week her teacher has taken me aside to tell me how well she's doing. How's she so "carefree" and "happy" and gets along with all the other kids and "shares". 

Irony is a bitch. 

As soon as we hit the outside of the preschool the other Ellie appears. She wants me to pick her up! So I do! But my hand is not exactly on her stomach the way she wants it! She moves my hand! My hand doesn't bend that way! She is pissed! She wants my hand on her stomach! I kiss on top of the head. "NO KISSES!!!! NO KISSES!!". [OMG] Sorry Ellie, no kisses. It goes on like this. Moment after frustrating moment. 

I started a new job this week, and it's [unfortunately] back to full time. It makes me sad. It makes me long for my sweet daughter. It makes me resent that I have to be away from her. It makes me want to get the EFF out of work so I can go and hug my little girl. And then it makes me feel like CRAP when our time together is so frustrating.

Today was a particularly good day according to her preschool teacher, who remarked that she is getting into the routine "quicker than most kids". I was feeling like doing something special with my little tot who was so sweet running up to me in the playground yelling "Mommy!".(she always does that, and the sweetness continues till we leave the building). Instead of heading right for the car we walk hand in hand to the ice cream shop on the corner. I should have stopped when she started the fussing and crying because after SEVERAL attempts she couldn't get hold of my hand the with PERFECT finger placement that she was looking for. Anyway, I order us two baby scoops in dishes, and folks as soon as I stuck that spoon into her ice cream to give it to her ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Apparently I wasn't supposed to do that so I watched the frustration mount and mount and MOUNT as she tried to wipe the ice cream from the spoon, never to her satisfaction, only to dip it back in to take a bite, realizing she got it all dirty AGAIN, ice cream never gets to her lips and there it goes. Temper tantrum. I take away her ice cream and the screaming gets fierce. We leave the store with me carrying out my crying child sideways, arm stretched out in front of me holding both of our uneaten ice creams. 

I wanted to hurl them into traffic. 

And so, this is what we are dealing with right now. It's hard at home. It's hard on our marriage. It's hard to MISS her and want to spend time with her while at the same time wanting to run out the door to get a break. When we ran out of milk tonight I jumped at the opportunity to go to the store. And I slow drove the whole way there. And then I slow shopped. And then I slow drove home. 

And then sweet Ellie was back when I came home, well kind of. 

I miss spending so much time with her. It makes me really sad. I hate that I have to be a working mom. I hate that our time together has been so awful this week. I hate that I feel relieved when she goes to bed. Relieved and guilty and sad, because a whole day went by and there was very little bonding. 

I'm sure life will feel a lot brighter when this particular stage is OVER.

This picture was taken at my friend Jenn's wedding this weekend (isn't she pretty?). Notice the FRUSTRATION involved with eating a piece of carrot cake!!!  Oh man. I just want to squeeze her and hug her.