I'll light the fire, you put the flowers in the vase that you bought today.

We won't always live here, this little house in our urban neighborhood. One day this furniture that we have rearranged a million times will furnish somewhere else. These hard wood floors, with all their creaks and stains and beauty will one day be trampled by feet that aren't our own. This house has seen a new marriage, a new baby, new jobs, new friends. The living that has taken place in this small (but beautiful) space has been the jewels of the past 6 years of my life. No other 6 year span of time in my 36 years has ever housed such change. The carefree and somewhat naive person I was when I moved in has morphed into a full fledged adult, just as was expected, just as I have welcomed with open arms.

Why am I writing about this? Because someday we will leave, all of this talk will one day turn into action. And someday all of THIS that I take for granted will belong to another, and the terrifying journey of newness will start again. This is what I CRAVE and also what I FEAR the most.

So as I wrestle with demons that never really leave my head, and fists that are never really far from my heart, I'm reminding myself that nothing lasts forever. Not people, not places, not things. And sometimes living gets lost in the desire,
and this is probably the saddest thing of all.

What is love on this Valentine's Day (and every day)? *** with an epilogue

It's Valentines Day. A hallmark day created for love. So what is love?

For me, It's a fullness in my heart. A smile that forms on the inside.
It's a feeling of wanting to take care of someone, or help them take care of them self.
Compassion.
True love is selfless, it's an aura that envelopes your being
I believe that love is a place where you transcend.
It's where you become the world, feeling the world, loving the world.
outside of your box of "this is me". Outside of jealousy and pain.
Outside of wanting to contain it, outside of wanting to run from it.
In stillness, in compassion, in random acts of kindness you see it,
this ethereal love,
this love that knows no name other than love.
And when you feel it, when you really feel it,
your heart will swell, and peace will overcome you.

My God, it's so beautiful.

I've learned a lot about love in this life. I've learned about the pain from attachment to people,
the pain from jealousy, the pain from expectations, the pain from trying to contain something that is already free and floating all around us. This is what we do and I wouldn't say that it's bad. We want to feel good, trying to hold on, trying to make sense of things that sometimes are just so simple we can't understand them.

I try to remember that love is pure, easily accessed, and when I stop trying to control it, it lifts me up to the top of gorgeousness.

I do my best, anyway. I've no where near mastered it.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Peace to all.


****Right after posting this I discovered that a very kind and beautiful man that I have met several times in Telluride has died in an avalanche. I looked at this picture that I had taken of him and his son and I sobbed. Deeply, truly sobbed. And I thought, how cruel life can be to take this father away from his son, away from his wife.

I find it ironic that I just wrote this post on love. How I let myself feel it, that transcendent love.

And I realize, so poignantly, that to love, as a human, is to suffer.
We love and we are vulnerable. Pieces of our hearts connected to others. How do you not form attachment to the people that you love? Maybe the most evolved Buddhists can do this. But I can not. Nor do I want to live in a state of non-attachment. So love, this beautiful, grand gesture, this gorgeous light that fills your being, it has a shadow side, too. People that we love leave us. And we suffer. To know love is to know suffering.

But still we do it. We love. We put our hearts outside of our bodies, connect them to people, to the world, to the pain of the world.

I'll miss this very kind man. I mourn that his son will not grow up with his very cool dad, Nate. Please say prayers for his wife and son.

And send love.

This is true love.

Three little girls

A lot happens in a baby's year. A LOT. Growing bones, new teeth, new brain cells, coordination, confidence, hair! As a mom it's a bittersweet transformation: so much pride at your child's growth, and the subtle hint of sadness as you see those baby years fly by so darn fast. It's just another reminder to take each day as it comes. To enjoy each stage your child is in. To remember that even though your child is excessively clingy, one day she may not want to hug you at all. I could eat her up, honestly. You have no idea how many kisses she gets in a day (uncountable), how many "I love you's", how many "good job!", how many "you are such a good girl"'s. Because she is such a good girl. She is sweet and innocent and beautiful. Even when she does things I don't approve of, I want her to know amidst whatever "discipline" we are giving, that she is a good and loved girl.

Nature versus nurture. I can't help the nature, but I can do everything about the nurture.

I love being a mom.

Anyway, my very good friend Betsy lives one house over. Her girls, Jude and Zoe, are 2.5 months older than Ellie. They have been friends since birth, by default at first, but now they really love each other. I love watching these 3 play together. I hope they are friends for a long, long time

July 2009

July 2010

in it

I wish I spoke baby sometime. I wish there was some way for my child to communicate with words that wasn't just "Eh. Eh! EHHH!!!!" Yes, words will be fun. And I know you're not supposed to wish away the stage that you're in but I will be happy for words. Although I do admit Ellie does find clever
ways of communicating with us lately. Several times a day she'll scrimmage for the door to find my flip flops, grab one and come crawling toward me with lightning speed and a sense of extreme urgency going "Eh. Eh! EHHHH!!!". She literally WILL NOT STOP until I put on that dang flipflop. Then she'll go get the other one. And then she'll get a hat etc etc and so really at any time of the day you will find Mike and I walking around wearing sunglasses, hats, scarves, shoes, etc . This makes little miss thang very happy. I mean she's just such a helper.

It's all about the helping really. Helping herself eat. Helping herself clean. Helping herself walk. She's getting it. Now when she sees a brush she immediately put it to her hair, a washcloth and she immediately puts it to her crotch (so dang funny). She wants to help me with my water bottle. And she wants to hold the cup herself. No, she WANTS to. Eh. Eh! EHHHHH!!!!!!!

Oh that child. She gives us a run for our money. A test for our patience. A ride down the old freeway of keeping it together. Truthfully sometimes things over here are hard. My child is so terribly clingy. There are days when I wear my pajamas all day...and night. And the next day. Yeah. No one even notices. I swear this house will never be completely clean for more than 4 hours at a time again. I haven't gone out on a date with my husband in months. But you know, we're in it. This is us getting through it. Enjoying it even. We laugh every day at our little peanut. Our world revolves around her right now, and we are okay with that. It's ironic, because as hard as life can sometimes be right now, I don't ever remember feeling this happy.

 

Ellie giving kisses to her cousin. This face cracks me up.

Yeah that's my kid that took it to the next level and got IN the cabinet. Sorry about the mess Aunt Jo.

But oh I love her sooooo much.

arenting

This is it.

I didn't think, as a childless girl, that I would be so overcome with the "goos" and "gahs" of an infant. I surely didn't suspect that I could play for hours with a babe of only mere months, perfectly enthralled with each new finding, each smile, each twinkle. But here I am, completely in love, almost mystified that this sort of joy exists. It is a unique joy, one that I have never experienced before, and one that fills me to such extents that it brings tears to my eyes. I have such a beautiful daughter. This little bean, this little girl that I once called "cashew-y" when she was in my womb can do so many tricks. She can babble and laugh, she can roll over, she can grab at things, she puts everything in her mouth. She can see you, from across the room, and her whole countenance will change. She'll open up with the biggest grin and suddenly my heart feels like its too small for my body. And I realize that THIS is the joy of parenting. THIS is that sacred, sacred relationship between a child and their parent. And I feel honored, humbled and mostly... I feel ready. I am a mother, and nothing ever felt so right.

She's growing up.

Little peanut girl.

Every day you become more sturdy,

less like the noodle I brought home,

more like the little girl you will one day be.

Sometimes I long for the days

that your legs will carry you

and you will discover the world with captive fascination.

But then you will not be my baby,

constantly needing to be held.

I want time to speed up

and slow down all at once.

I pray I never forget

how sweet your face is right now

when it catches my eyes and you open up

with your lopsided grin.

I hope never to forget

the sweet smell of your baby hair,

the smoothness of your skin

the sounds of your cooing, as you begin to discover

the voice that will soon sing its own song.

I pray I do not forget the way my heart feels

as you nestle in my bosom

and how everything became powerless

in the shadow of this immense

and beautiful love.

the cheesiest has to be displayed SOMEWHERE!!

So for our little wedding I spent HOURS putting together this video montage thing. And you know, for so much effort, it just seemed like a darn shame for it only to have had 3 minutes of one viewing. So here it is, in all its bloggy goodness, for any (or no) blog readers to enjoy or laugh at.......

we did it.

Well folks, I'm officially off the market, a missus, a wifey, an old ball and chain.

Since I want to honor this great event with some great pictures, I will wait until I receive them to go into the details (I only have the few from my little non-pro camera). For now I'll just say that it was lovely and perfect, and simple and tasteful, and the perfect representation of who we are as a couple. Everything fell into place, just as it always does when it's meant to be. I feel blessed and happy.

Love comes in many forms.

Without love, life just wouldn't be much fun.