I am an extended breastfeeder.

There, I said it.

This was certainly not in my grand mothering plan. Originally I set my goal at 6 months. But it got easy. It got to be routine. Now Ellie is 23 months old and we still continue to have several times throughout the day when it's her, me, and tata. She loves that tata so. Tata can take the most stressful, challenging moment and miraculously flip into into deep breaths, a calm body, and lots and lots of sucking. The tatas are powerful. And convenient! With the help of the tatas I can take my child out to a nice restaurant, talk to a patient or a doctor on the phone,  and easily help a tired child return to the land of sweet slumber.

I get embarrassed sometimes. I know watching a child who can talk in (short) sentences nurse at her mother's teet is a bit strange. Seeing the legs of a nearly 3 foot toddler dangle over the edge of my lap surely brings with it some looks. I know that my own mother had her breasts bound after only a week of breastfeeding me.  That was "normal" then...a week!

We were in Bozeman, MT a few weeks ago and were invited to a lovely dinner with my aunt and her husband. As we waited to be seated Ellie had one of her tata fits, and I, not wanting to have a screaming toddler, let her. So I nursed her in the lobby with my coat covering her head. When we were done she moved the coat, looked me square in the eyes and said "Tank you." I mean, sweet, right? And maybe a little old? Anyway when we were eating our dinner a mom came up to my table and personally thanked me for nursing my toddler in public. It made me feel very proud and yet also a little emotional. She was like a little Kellymom angel sent from extended breastfeeding heaven, letting me know that I was alright in my decisions to keep the tatas flowing. I wanted to thank her for acknowledging me, for giving me props for doing what is so instinctual now. I wanted to thank her for helping me have courage to not listen to society and do what feels right for me and my daughter. I wanted to say so many things to her. Instead I just said "right on" and smiled. (Let this be a reminder that even small good deeds can have a lingering effect)

The truth of the matter is that I don't know how to stop. I don't have it IN me to listen to the gut wretching pleas. Frankly I don't know why I should stop something that makes my daughter so calm, so able to re-center herself. When she comes home from day care she is a wreck. She screams and whines and is so inconsolable. She wants the tata and frankly, I want to give it to her. I want that quiet, peaceful moment that the two of us get to share, where we get to reconnect from a long day apart. She loves it and I love it. It is such tenderness.

I won't say I love it all the time. I don't love the constant tata requests when I'm trying to do other things, like cook dinner, and the temper tantrum that ensues when I don't give in. I don't like that she is worse than a teenage boy in her attempt to get her hands down my shirt and squeeze and pull the other nipple. I don't like her waking up in the middle of the night pleading for tata. (I really don't like that.) I don't like that I am not able to just snuggle with her in bed or on the couch because by assuming that position she thinks tata is coming and becomes fixated on it. I don't like when I'm talking to a friend in public and she pulls down my shirt and tries to fish out a tit. No, I don't like that at all. And I don't like the overall state of my boobs ( but I surely won't get into that!)

I don't want her to need tata and sometimes I worry that she relies on it too much. I feel pressure from myself, society, and Mike, to end this chapter of breastfeeding. But it never feels like the right time. The idea of forcing it to all end seems stressful and sad to me. Those tantrums! Those pleading, tear-soaked requests! I'm not made of steel!

HOWEVER, I do see that things are changing....naturally. She is easily distractable if I don't want to nurse. When we do nurse I can put her on for a minute (or less!) on each side and then ask her to say bye bye to tata. "Bye bye tata" she says, along with a cute little wave and she's ready to move on. (I know how wierd that looks to judgmental eyes). Daddy puts her to bed at night and she no longer needs tata to get to sleep. She's getting over it, slowly, on her own terms.

I just looked at some of my digital pictures from last year, literally ONE YEAR ago and I am blatantly reminded how quickly things change. She was a little baby. She was a crawling, chubby, happy baby. And now she is a full blown toddler with hair and words and different needs. Next year she will be even bigger and soon she'll be in school and college and having babies of her own. So I don't think it's so bad to want to linger with our sweet little moments together. I don't think I'm causing irreparable damage. I think she is a great, solid, well adjusted child. Soon enough we'll be done with the tata chapter and this will all be a fuzzy memory.

Breastfeeding well into toddlerhood is extremely common in most of the world. Not here. So though I sometimes wrestle with my own desire to fit into societal norms, I will never deny my natural inclinations as a mother.

The mom stuff will always win.

Reclaiming "my girls"

Sometimes life knocks you down, punches you in the proverbial face, leaves you standing around trying to make sense of just exactly where you are.

This just happened to me.

So you know, you get up. You dust yourself off. You figure out what's not working. For me, it's multi-factorial, but the gist is that me and my sweet little daughter need to separate. Physically, for brief periods throughout the week. I need to focus some attention on myself. And the major major event that needs to occur for the emotional separation that is about to occur?

Mama needs her boobs back.

We are far, far away from nutritive sucking. I am a pacifier, plain and simple. And what a pacifier I am! I mean she could be freaking out and once that boob gets in her face she instantly calms. It's a miracle!! And so, naturally I'm a little freaked out about what to do without my "miracle medicine". So I've been scouring the internet and talking with friends. People have been doing this since the beginning of humankind. SOMEONE'S gotta have the answers!

Oh change is a comin little youngin. For you AND for me.

I've been reading all sorts of crazy childhood development stuff that frankly I can get through a page of and realize I didn't really get at all what it's saying, but the gist of it is: taking away the boob is a major, significant event in the psyche of a child. So you know, no stress there.

Transitional objects. I need to find one. Ellie NEEDS THIS. I'm trying to make her love this little blanket of hers, but that's like putting a stranger in your face and saying "Here. This is your new best friend". But still, maybe that stranger WILL become her new best friend. So we'll keep trying. I'm not going to take it all away at once, but we are setting limits now. And that little blanket will be a part of each session. Man, here's to hoping!

I would love to know if anyone has any books they would recommend about toddlers, and specifically about weaning and separation anxiety. We are in the throws over here man. The THROWS!!!!!

random collection of various unimportant items

I'm still reeling from our fabulous weekend getaway in Salida, CO. Reason for said getaway was our anniversary, and really what says romance more than packing up your family car to the hilt with child and various accoutrements? And timing your dinners and outdoor excursions with a napping schedule? And sleeping on the pullout couch because you don't want to wake up your child who is sleeping in the master bedroom in her pack and play? Ah, young lovebirds we are. No but seriously it was really fun. Mostly because it wasn't here, and we really do have a grand time together.

ice cream silouhette on purdy mountains? Yes please!

Ellie never looks like she's having as much as we are.

In other parenting related news, breastfeeding has become an "at your own risk" sort of venture. This is largely due to the perfectly formed, and sharp bottom and top teeth lining Ellie's oh so sweet little mouth. And the fact that when given a bottle she scrapes these pretty teeth all along the length of the nipple. She's loving these teeth, has even started to bite our shoulders when we pick her up. Uh. Oh. She's been good so far regarding being gentle with poor mom's milk producing nipples, but I won't tell you that it doesn't feel like I'm sticking my boob in a little tiny guillotine because it DOES! It just takes once, but so far we've risked it. Truthfully I'm feeling ready to end the book on breastfeeding but the little gal just won't allow it. So we continue, and the risk lingers on....Isn't she just perfectly plump? I just love her little baby chubbiness!!

I've been such a knitting fiend lately. I could literally spend hours just looking through pattern books, or touching my yarns, trying to envision what my next creation will be. It sounds dorky as all heck but all I know is it makes me feel more creative, and I am SOOO much happier when I'm creative. But I can see the addictive nature of this beast. I know when my baby is trying to crawl up my legs and I don't go to her because "I just need to finish this row" that maybe I should chill out. Or when I drop a very large chunk of change at the yarn shop when I clearly have more than enough yarn in my repetoire.I stinking love it. This is my newest finished product. Isn't it purdy? Pattern found here.

Well folks the sun is out! Which is kind of funny because last wednesday it looked like this.It's all gone now and we've busted out the shorts. But spring is nuts around here. Colorado is wacky I tell ya. Just wacky.

It changes everyday.

My kid is mobile now. Though it's not exactly crawling per se, it's a mean worm. A worm that can go the distance. And she now has 4 teeth. And she's shooting up like a frickin bean sprout. And she can eat SO MUCH food. And she can say da-da. (Yeah, da-da. Ergh.) And she can (kind of) wave hello.

And so in keeping up with these momentous daily developments, and the fact that she can now eat like a horse, I am trying to figure out what to do about breastfeeding. It's become clear to me that I just can't keep up anymore. Ellie can easily chug an 8 oz bottle, and I watch her try so very hard to get what she needs from mama. It takes her so long with no satisfaction. Which leads me to wonder if we have reached the end of the milk producing road. I know, I know, [nasally voice] "you should breastfeed for at least a year." Ugh. You know what Dr. Sears? You know what La Leche league? You know what Kellymom? Bite me. You try going from patient to patient during the working day driving along with a frickin breastpump attached to you, ever so systematically avoiding mack trucks so they can't peer down at you and get an eyeful. Oh I will not miss the pumping. But I will miss the closeness. And so that's why I haven't completely jumped off the fence yet. Baby steps.

In other news I have made a new friend who lives 5 doors down and has a fricken yoga studio in her house and is all about us getting together to exercise. So I got my tired ass up at 5:55am and met her at her house at 6am. Repeat tomorrow and continuously. I feel like I used my mad jedi skills to manifest her because I have been really struggling with fitting workouts out into this baby laden life of mine. And I'm ready to be ripped. And that brings me back to breastfeeding. I'm feeling ready to have my body back. MY body. Not that I don't love these crazy curves, but they're not mine really. So I don't want to get too attached. They aren't here to stay.

moo.

So my kid has green limeade colored poops. And has for a while now. And a mystery rash on her neck. We haven't given her solids in a week now so this all leads me to the conclusion that...da da da! Milk allergy.

so mama's just saying no to the moo.

I fully anticipate this dietary modification to be a full blown pain in the rear on the one hand. ON the other hand, a little forced dietary modification can sometimes be a good thing. Maybe it'll help me lose these last few oh so stubborn postpartum pounds. It will certainly make me more conscientious about what I'm putting into my mouth. Which won't be chocolate, and I assure you, there is a sad face attached to that statement.

But anyhoo, poop updates to come. I kickstarted this non dairy thing only today, after a slice of cheese pizza, and then I decided to push it back till after I put some cream in my coffee, and then pushed it back just a little bit more to have one, beautiful, goodbye fudgecicle. Goodbye fudgesicle. Goodbye chocolate. Goodbye cream in my coffee. Goodbye cheese. Cheese! I'll be back! Don't go changing or doing anything too crazy while I'm gone. I'll see you soon enough, just gotta take care of some things.

Pipe dreams and booby hickies

I guess I'm going to bed at 8 now. I don't really want to. But even despite extreme exhaustion, calming bedtime rituals, hours of boob time, little Ellie refuses to sleep unless she has a parental unit within an arms reach. So we're chillin in bed, aka new office. Whatever.

So I started back to work, and though I was mildly freaked out at the concept, once I was there it felt GOOD. It felt like a novelty cruising around in my little car and being able to stop, run in and get something somewhere if I wanted to, you know, and not have to make it an hour long production. And fortunately I DID remember how to be a nurse, because there was a part of me that was wondering if those skills had left the building. There seems to be a good deal of muscle memory there. As far as Ellie, well I was lucky because Mike is taking off two days a week to stay home this month, and those are the two days that I'm working. Mondays and Fridays. Really, this is quite a good gig. Things will pick up more in September but that's then and it's not now.
I have a new fantasy though. Wouldn't it be dreamy to NOT go to work, but rather stay at home and be a full time blogger? Pipe dream I'm sure, but I am starting to slowly investigate this world of making money blogging. I know that people do it. I also know that I LOVE to blog. But this blog probably wouldn't make it. Not enough people know about little old me so there would have to be some tweaking. And so I'm more or less just writing this to help turn my own creative process into something more tangible. After all folks, why the hell not?
As a completely random side note...Ellie and I co-sleep. (Read: she sleeps right next to me.) This is all for the sake of getting a good nights sleep, which I surely do...now. Little Ellie wakes up, I throw her a boob and we're all happy. Trouble is sometimes she loses her latch and starts sucking on my skin while I'm sleeping. I guess this is why I woke up today and there were hickies all over my boobs. If I showered at the gym the ladies might think I was quite the little sexual deviant. And it'd be kind of fun if they weren't from her. But they are. Always from her.
And if anyone cares we are making the switch to cloth diapers today. So look out water bill, we're coming to getcha!

Are you supposed to love breastfeeding?

Ok, yes it is definitely neat that my body makes milk that I can give my baby. I like that I can nourish her with milk that has everything that her little body needs. That is really awesome! (I also like the fact that it's made from the FAT in my body. Keep it coming!)

But there are times, oh yes there are times, when I do NOT like feeling like a cow. As adorable as her little head is on my boob, I would be lying if I said that I didn't some times dread feeding time. And yet it keeps on coming. again. and again.

Hard to believe that these milk-producing sand bags used to be...omg, sexual. If any lay-person could see me now as I go about my day there jaws would be on the ground. Look at Summer, as she cooks her meal, as she vacuums the floor, as she brushes her teeth. Just please don't mind that her boobs are hanging out, laying out of the perfect little hole these fun nursing bras create. (What's the point in covering them up when they're just going to be whipped out for baby's enjoyment in a moment's time?) And what is this crazy machine that she has strapped to her boobs so often throughout the day? The one with the little funnels on the end that suck suck suck your nipples up to drain the milk? It's the breast pump but be careful, you can become mesmerized with watching the humungous nipples being sloshed up through the plexiglass. Very, very sexy.

And if you're visually impaired you will still experience the beauty of being around a breastfeeder. The sour milk smell seems to be a part of my personal cologne now. These bad boys have even started leaking (a new phenomena for those that know I was once milk supply challenged). You may not be able to see the stains on my specially modified shirts, but you sure as hell can smell them!

Oh yes, breastfeeding is a hoot.

Greetings from my royal throne!!!

Ok, maybe not a royal throne, it's the couch actually, and this is where I am camped out. Being a new breastfeeding mom has really relegated me to to this little corner. And you'd know it's mine because at all times its covered with Martha Stewart magazines, my water bottle, my phone, remote controls, my PUMP, napkins, a clock, baby books and various other crap. This is where I spend, I'm guessing, about 30-40 hours a week (at least). This is a new kind of life for me now, well the Mom one for sure, but I'm talking about the sitting one. Baby's gotta eat and baby sure don't eat fast! So now there are new little things that keep me entertained:

• - pumping. I'm not a huge fan per se but if you're pumping and you hit one of those little milk resevoirs, well I'm sorry, that's almost as good as getting a really great blackhead. Almost.
• - True Blood. This is one hell of a good show (HBO) and (sorry Mike) I have an obscene teenage-like crush on the lead vampire. Oh my.
• - Facebook. Hate to love it, love to hate it.
• - Sex and the City reruns. I don't care how often I've seen it, those shows keep me so entertained. And one show = one feed just about. Good for the middle of the night feed.
• - Here's the big one: I went and bought the camera I have been lusting after for months!!!! So now I have to figure out how to use it.

Let's be clear. I'm not a total couch potato right now. I've got stuff to do and I try to get out and exercise at least once a day. But this (albeit temporary...I hope!) lifestyle of couch living seems to be the way I roll these days. So excuse me, the couch/baby is calling and I've got a perfect indentation of my ass to greet me!

Still here

I've had several people tell me to get on with the blogging and post something new. There are two reasons why I've been slacking on this. a) because being a new mom is so much more time consuming then I ever thought possible and b) because I don't want to bury my last entry. My last entry was the best entry I've ever written and the best moment I've ever experienced. And now all other entries send that one stellar entry down south to no-man's land on the blog. Sigh.

So it's day 8 of Eleanor's life and I had no idea things would change this much. I wasn't prepared for the anxiety, the oh-my-god-she-hasn't-moved-in-over-a-minute feeling. I wasn't prepared for the emotion, for the intense, rock your world LOVE that would occur. I could sit and look at her for hours, studying every grimace, every crevice on her beautiful baby skin, listening to every coo. She is so totally awesome.

But there have been struggles. Number one being my MILK. It seems that my milk is here, but not a whole lot. I've never felt engorgement or let down. This has really led to some feelings of inadequacy. Of course I want to be able to provide nourishment for my baby as nature intended. But apparently I have to work a little harder at this than others. So now I have rented a hospital grade breast pump. When Ellie wants to eat I feed her from breast as normal, then pump, then give her the supplemental milk that I create. It's very time consuming; about an hour per feed. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. The experience of breastfeeding is very important to me. However this lifestyle certainly can't be maintained for a super long time. So I'm just praying to the milk gods to please give me a little extra attention right now.

I cry a lot. And I'm not really sad. I'm told that this milk production business really messes with your hormones, so I'm attributing much of the crying to that. Plus there's the lack of sleep, the quintessential new mom phenomena which has not escaped me. It's amazing how well you (think you) can rally on very little sleep. Which probably yields to the crying. And then there's that little precious nugget of love that you realize you'd do anything for. And that feeling makes me cry because I don't know what else to do with that emotion. So I cry it out. Kind of wierd.

So if you saw me 10 days ago, and you saw me today, you would have to notice the changes. I'm not pregnant (!) for one, and for two I've become a different person. I'm a mom now. And I see the world through these new mom eyes. I think of things as how they will affect myelf and my daughter. If you could look inside my body you would find a heart that was so engorged with love that you wouldn't even recognize it as my own. And that's the way I feel. Overcome. Overfilled. Overtired. Overjoyed.