Summer has temporarily left the building.

I'll just say it...today sucked. It was just one of those days where I got up, knew I was on day 1 of a 4 day work stretch and let my initial bad attitude have its way with me. Ellie's day sucked, too, manifested in her incessant whining and screaming at the door as I left for work, adding even more suckiness to my morning. The suckiness continued, or rather, my bitchy attitude began as I entered the hospital that I enter almost EVERY day to go up to my office and the frigging security guard insists on taking my picture and slapping a GUEST sticker on me. (To clarify, I work for a hospice agency and admit people from this particular hospital. I'm their "designated hospice person".) He is the only person who insists on doing this as I am friendly and nice to the security guards that check people in and they see me every single day (well, some variation of tuesday through saturday.) I'm used to getting waved on by and it always makes me feel kind of warm and fuzzy, like I'm a part of their little hospital community.

Not today.

When I saw that guy at the counter my heart sank, and as I tried to casually work my way past him to the elevators I hear "Ma'am, can I help you?" FUCK. Not knowing he was dealing with one seriously hormonal and bitchy woman I said "Seriously dude? I'm here EVERY day. You know me! I explained this last time!". "Well until I hear otherwise I have to check you in." Guys I don't know what it was about the moment but I was unhinged! I gave him such a bad attitude. I stepped outside of my body and was embarrassed for myself, but at the time, he was the doe-eyed do-gooder that stood straight into the headlights of my bitchiness.

The whole episode really had me unnerved. I hate confrontation and that security guard will never know just how sensitive I felt about the whole encounter.

Later in the day I got a hospital badge (not my hospice badge), which really I should have just had all along. As I left I saw my nemesis behind the counter and I stood in front of him. "Two things," I said. "One: I'm really sorry I was such a bitch earlier. Two: HERE'S MY BADGE, mutha fucka!!". He apologized too saying he actually could have gotten me a badge and when it was all said and done we ended up as friends. (Well, I still don't really like him but I expect to be able to go to work like a normal person now and not get mugged shot.)

Anyway today I had such a knot of angst that it literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest. At one point I downloaded a heart rate monitor on my smartphone so I could check my pulse. Which was 62!!! 62 does not a fast heart rate make, but I can assure you I felt off. Feel off. Feel off but suddenly realized what the heck was happening. Sure as shit it comes again, the monthly bandit that turns me into total mush.

Wake me when it's over.