**screech!**
Oh MA GAWD.
Ellie has become a bit of a monster. (And future Ellie, know that we LOVE you VERY much should you ever read this) Nothing can make this child happy. If she wants something and we do it then we do it ALL wrong. Then it's tantrum after tantrum. I mean literally, tantrum after tantrum.
Ellie has started preschool. And the IRONY is that each day that I have picked her up this week her teacher has taken me aside to tell me how well she's doing. How's she so "carefree" and "happy" and gets along with all the other kids and "shares".
Irony is a bitch.
As soon as we hit the outside of the preschool the other Ellie appears. She wants me to pick her up! So I do! But my hand is not exactly on her stomach the way she wants it! She moves my hand! My hand doesn't bend that way! She is pissed! She wants my hand on her stomach! I kiss on top of the head. "NO KISSES!!!! NO KISSES!!". [OMG] Sorry Ellie, no kisses. It goes on like this. Moment after frustrating moment.
I started a new job this week, and it's [unfortunately] back to full time. It makes me sad. It makes me long for my sweet daughter. It makes me resent that I have to be away from her. It makes me want to get the EFF out of work so I can go and hug my little girl. And then it makes me feel like CRAP when our time together is so frustrating.
Today was a particularly good day according to her preschool teacher, who remarked that she is getting into the routine "quicker than most kids". I was feeling like doing something special with my little tot who was so sweet running up to me in the playground yelling "Mommy!".(she always does that, and the sweetness continues till we leave the building). Instead of heading right for the car we walk hand in hand to the ice cream shop on the corner. I should have stopped when she started the fussing and crying because after SEVERAL attempts she couldn't get hold of my hand the with PERFECT finger placement that she was looking for. Anyway, I order us two baby scoops in dishes, and folks as soon as I stuck that spoon into her ice cream to give it to her ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Apparently I wasn't supposed to do that so I watched the frustration mount and mount and MOUNT as she tried to wipe the ice cream from the spoon, never to her satisfaction, only to dip it back in to take a bite, realizing she got it all dirty AGAIN, ice cream never gets to her lips and there it goes. Temper tantrum. I take away her ice cream and the screaming gets fierce. We leave the store with me carrying out my crying child sideways, arm stretched out in front of me holding both of our uneaten ice creams.
I wanted to hurl them into traffic.
And so, this is what we are dealing with right now. It's hard at home. It's hard on our marriage. It's hard to MISS her and want to spend time with her while at the same time wanting to run out the door to get a break. When we ran out of milk tonight I jumped at the opportunity to go to the store. And I slow drove the whole way there. And then I slow shopped. And then I slow drove home.
And then sweet Ellie was back when I came home, well kind of.
I miss spending so much time with her. It makes me really sad. I hate that I have to be a working mom. I hate that our time together has been so awful this week. I hate that I feel relieved when she goes to bed. Relieved and guilty and sad, because a whole day went by and there was very little bonding.
I'm sure life will feel a lot brighter when this particular stage is OVER.
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| This picture was taken at my friend Jenn's wedding this weekend (isn't she pretty?). Notice the FRUSTRATION involved with eating a piece of carrot cake!!! Oh man. I just want to squeeze her and hug her. |
