30 days of gratitude 26-30: bringing it home

# 26: I'm grateful for the music in our genes. My mom is a stellar musician. I've always grown up with an understanding and love of music. And this small, wonderful child of mine seems to have the bug, too. I couldn't be more pleased.

#27: Grateful for the ocean, the smell of the salty air, the great horizon of all things unknown, and finding treasures in the remains of the tide.

#28: Grateful for the much too rare occasion of having a babysitter. Man it feels good to know that Ellie is in good hands with my mom so Mike and I can take off to explore without toddler and accoutrements. On this day we explored San Fransciso, for the umpteenth time, each time just as exciting as the first, each time making me feel like a little girl when I cross that gorgeous Golden Gate.

#29: Grateful for the true sense of magic I feel when I'm in nature, grateful that I never want to stop exploring.

#30: Above all else, I am eternally grateful for my family. I just love them so.

Thanksgiving 2011

30 days of gratitude #25, and fashion friday

Today I'm grateful for my gorgeous nephews and niece, family walks, gut wrenching laughter, Thanksgiving leftovers, and family singalongs.

(We are so busy having fun right now.)

Dress: Old Navy

Cardigan:Old Navy

Boots: Thrift store

Hat: Lala's closet

30days of gratitude #24: TODAY is Thansgiving

I have one brother and one sister. My sister lives in Maine. My brother lives in California. I live in Denver. We all have our own families now. We love each other but getting together does not come frequently.

That said, WE'RE ALL HERE! We're all under the same roof!

Let me tell you, inside THIS house, on THIS day, is a whole lot of laughter, a whole lot of food, and a whole lot of love.

It just doesn't get any better than that.

Today, on Thanksgiving, I am so grateful for this family of mine.

30 days of gratitude 23: almost to my carrot

Where'd I go? I'd been so diligent about posting daily on my 30 days of gratitude but it seemed that days 21 and 22 got the best of me. They were pretty awful days but I'm okay with that. Let me explain.

I have 19 patients right now (a full caseload is 12). With Thursday and Friday being holidays I had to squeeze every patient into the past 48 hours. I was literally up till midnight charting each night.

Here's why I'm okay.

This evening, after my last day of work I am picking up my daughter, my husband, and we are OFF TO THE AIRPORT!!!! Not only do I not have to work for the next SEVEN DAYS, I get to see my family, I get to go to California, and I get to eat my favoritest meal of the year: THANKSGIVING DINNER!!!

I am GRATEFUL for this upcoming vacation,. I am GRATEFUL for Ellie's awesome preschool which she loves and is flourishing in and for which I get to drop her off and NOT WORRY. And I'm GRATEFUL that things that are earned are so, so, so , so, so, so sweet.

I want a mimosa to celebrate.

I guess I should wait till I'm done with work though.

My talented Aunt Kay took this photo


Get it, it's the light at the end of the tunnel.


It's funnier because I had to tell you why it was funny.

30 days of gratitude #20: the hard stuff

This beautiful weekend was not all chocolate chips and cambrics. Today we went to see  my sister in law Kelly who, for Medicaid reasons, had to move from one memory care facility to another. This is absolutely not an easy thing for someone who struggles with dementia.  Today was intense and heartbreaking. She is even more sick from when we last saw her; it is astounding. She started on hospice this week. Obviously as a hospice nurse myself I know what this means, and though a grim prognosis is what her future holds I am grateful for the support she will receive from her hospice team. They have already, in the few short days she has been enrolled, been a HUGE help.

Today was a very difficult day. VERY difficult. Everyone does a really good job at keeping it together but we all know that inside there are pieces of our hearts that are breaking. We don't talk about how Kelly can't even keep food in her mouth, or how she drools incessantly.  We try to keep the conversation light as my niece is there (Kelly's daughter) and she's seven and we want her to feel like she's seven. But there are moments that are so atrociously awkward, like when Kelly takes one of Maya's drawings to draw all over it and drools food particles on  the paper as she's giving it to her.

At this point Kelly can barely make out 3 words together. Her ability to express herself with words is virtually gone. And let me tell you, it went fast.

What Kelly does now is walk. She walks and walks. She'll put on her coat and hat and walk. She'll take a picture from her room and walk. She'll have a visitor and she walks. So you go with her. I made several laps today just walking around the memory unit holding her hand, saying nothing. There was no point in making her feel frustrated with words.

This kind and loving 43 year old woman is unraveling quickly. No one can stop this trajectory.

You almost want to bury your head in your pillow and pretend it's not real. But it is. It so freaking is.

Going back to my gratitude theme, I wanted to try to find something to be grateful for today as we were in the middle of this awkward change of facilities and gut wrenching emotions that it entailed.  I won't lie to you, it wasn't easy. It made me grateful for my own health and Mike's health and Ellie's health but that doesn't feel like enough. It doesn't feel fair that someone as kind and beautiful like Kelly had her health stolen from her like she did.

So today I'm grateful for people that are kind. I'm grateful for the kind of caregiver that looks beyond the person that is SICK and takes into consideration that they are very much a person deserving of love. Sick people were once healthy. Sick people are daughters and mothers and sisters. Kelly has to live with her losses: her loss of communication, her loss of being able to wrap her arms around her kids and tell them that she loves them, her loss of independence, to name only a few.  I'm grateful that there are people who work in skilled nursing facilities who can feel empathy.

 EMPATHY is crucial now.

She can't talk. She's falling apart. But she knows a loving face when she sees one.

We all need to see love.

30 days of gratitude #19

Saturday. [sigh]
 I am utterly grateful for a much needed break from work. I'm grateful for turning off my work phone and work computer at 5pm on Friday and putting them out of sight and out of mind.

I'm grateful for the gorgeous feeling of relaxation when you know you've worked hard to earn it.

I'm grateful for sleeping in, eating out, homemade chocolate chip cookies, drinking lots of tea, laughter, a day with nothing planned what so ever, and time with family.

30 days of gratitude #18

I just got back from Breaking Dawn.
I won't say I loved it but I will say that I had a good time and really enjoyed myself.
There was that obsession after all, and see a lot of time has passed since I was in the throws of my whirlwind vampire/werewolf romance, and I've grown a touch wiser since that tweenage thing I went through (which was last year when I was 33) ( Eh hem.)
Anyway, going to these Twilight series movies is sort of my thing to do with my girlfriend Betsy who I have written about several times in the past four years I've been writing this blog.

Today I'm grateful for my friend Betsy, movie nights, faint reminiscences of feeling like a teenager in love, and the luxury of living next door to my date for the evening. I'm also grateful for raw, unfiltered conversations where things that seem ugly inside become less ugly when shared with a friend.

In short I'm grateful for good friendships, good talks, and mediocre movies (with good looking men...sorry Mike!).

30 days of gratitude #17

Today I'm thankful for evergreen scented Yankee Candles, not having to hit the door running, quiet moments in the house, and Starbucks.

30 days of gratitude #16:one big love

My job has been nuts. Truly, I wish I could describe the sense of go go GO that exists in my day to day. I wish you could see a snapshot of me in my car during the working day: charting on my laptop, talking on either my personal cell phone, work cell phone or both, plugging some new patient address into my gps, scribbling new orders for patients on  pieces of scrap paper on my lap as I'm driving,writing memos to myself of all the things I need to do once I get somewhere where there's an internet connection.

It makes me feel really frazzled. A lot. This feeling frazzled bothers me. It's a negative aspect to my day and life.

However, I get to leave the war zone that is my car-slash-office and go in to the home of my hospice patient, where the aura of intent is so shockingly different than the frazzled state I was in. Usually the stresses that immediately preceded my visit will shrink away as I sit with the enormousness of what this person has to go through. Putting myself in the shoes of my patients often trivializes the worries and stresses. Because sometimes it's not about deadlines and charting. Sometimes it's about love and loss. And sometimes it's about life and death.

I have tremendous gratitude for my job and the fact that I get to hold someone's hand as they embark on that one final journey, the journey where nothing except the important things matter. Nothing. I get to educate, guide and support families as they watch the people they love slowly (or quickly) fade away. I sit with their emotions and I get to feel the honor of being with someone at such as poignant and vulnerable time.

There's big stuff and there's small stuff in life. Sometimes the small stuff clouds my vision, but today I'm thankful for the daily reminder that the world is not as serious as I can make it out to be. There are things that you must take care of, yes; things that you need to do as you exist in this world that needs to do so much. But in the end, these things will fade into nothing.

I don't want to be remembered as a master charter or that I always got my documentation done on time.

I want to be remembered for my big, gigantic heart. And how I had the ability to prioritize the things that didn't really matter oand give proper attention to the things that DO.

30 days of gratitude #15: us in real time

Day #14 is gratitude for days that, pardon my french, royally suck. Because without those super sucky days then the super awesome ones would have nothing to compare themselves to. I did not post yesterday and that was by choice. Not all days are roses and fluffy clouds and I am most certainly talking about you, yesterday. Sayonara, you overly stressy, bitchy little day, you.

Right now I am grateful for the 3 hours after work and before Ellie's bedtime. It is very routine time full of tasks like baths and dinner and cleaning the dishes. Yet amongst those tasks it is (usually) filled with laughing, airplane rides, dancing, coloring, talking about our days, singing songs, eating, tub games, reading stories, and lots and lots of hugs.

It's the meat and potatoes of our week. It's us, in real time.

30 days of gratitude #13

A couple of years ago I got onto an airplane in Boston. I was heading back to Denver with a barely one year old in tow (and no husband). As I was knocking into the poor aisle seated folks while trying to get me and my tot and OUR THINGS into my seat I locked eyes with a very kind woman who immediately took pity on me. (I did look rather pathetic). It was an interesting flight, and I wrote about it here. Anyway, the kind woman with the empathetic eyes and I started talking, over the heads of the people in between us. Seats got shuffled and we ended up sitting next to each other. We talked and talked and talked. Eventually we realized that we were NEIGHBORS. In real life! Anyway, fast forward two years later, tons of yoga classes, a triathalon, family get togethers, deep conversations, sicknesses, laughs etc etc and I now have a very good friend named Annie.

I chose to write about Annie in my 30 days of gratitude post for a few reasons. 1) She's awesome and I love her. 2) Courtesy of her I spent last evening walking the red carpet at the Denver Film Festival (ok ok, maybe not ON IT. But next to it!) We had a blast of a good time and it felt great to experience some of Denver's fine cultural scene. And 3) (this is my least favorite one) She is moving to Australia for a WHOLE YEAR in 5 measly weeks. I'm happy for her and sad for me. 

Anyway, she's not my oldest friend but she's a good one. Today I'm grateful for my friend Annie.

(You can read HER awesome blog here.)

30 days of gratitude #12

Today I am thankful for the sweet freedom of waking up on Saturday morning with no work, taking our time in the morning, and for Bon Jovi and the dance party that he helps create in our living room almost daily.

self portrait (and 30 days of gratitude #11)

I'm doing this photography project with some facebook friends and last night I worked on my self portrait. It was much harder than I thought it would be.

I don't look in a lot of mirrors these days. When I get ready in the morning that's likely the last I'll see of myself save the car mirror and my teethbrushing. I don't  try to avoid them but there is nothing drawing me to them either. My clothes feel impossibly frumpy. Some days I feel like I have absolutely no idea how to dress "cute" anymore; how to dress beyond work scrubs and jeans and t's. Cold weather does this static thing to my hair that makes winter one long, drawn out bad hair day. And the parentheses around my face are now deeply carved.

Nearly all of my energies gets directed at my daughter, my job and my immediate existence. And my laptop gets a good amount of time as well. But for me, for JUST me? Well we don't seem to hang out much these days. When I sat down to take a photo of myself, myself without my child, I was kind of shocked at how hard it was.

I took my first round of self portraits and was amazed at who was in that camera roll. Was that me? Really? Where way my glow? Where oh where was 24 year old Summer who I really thought was cute. Those parentheses. The serious look on my face. I thought I should hold up a sign in front of me that read  "I am actually really uncomfortable right now".

So I stopped. I turned on my music. I tried to sit with myself for a bit and listen to what was going on. What WAS going on? I listened.

I'm getting older. My years of laughing and of having a GOOD LIFE have made a mark as evidenced by my parentheses. And I'm a mom. All of those self directed energies that my 24 year old self was fortunate to have, all of those grand explorations in to figuring out who I am, well they were important, and now they are hiding behind the limelight of my inner parent. They hide behind the limelight of our everyday stresses and routine. They feed the energies of my beautiful daughter who will one day go out into the world and (God I hope) know that beauty and happiness are intertwined.

As I go about the world with an adorable toddler, the world doesn't tend to give me much feedback as it did to my 24 year old self. Nor do I.

So I thought about my life. I thought about the blessings that I have. I thought about the places I have been and the people that I have known. I thought about my own, very unique journey, and how I have changed and grown while walking it. I pictured myself as a young girl walking on a golden yellow road, becoming a teenager, becoming a 20 year old, becoming a mom, and becoming more wise and more beautiful as the miles grew behind me.

I'm glad I had this self portrait experiment .I needed the reminder to look inside myself and cast some recognition of beauty MY way. It felt nice.

I do look a lot different than myself at 24 (10 years ago). And I feel different as well. But I like the woman that I have become. Sometimes I have to dust it off a bit, but there is still the glow of ME. And today, I am grateful for my glow, the one on my face and the one in my heart. For they are one in the same.

30 days of gratitude # 10

Sometimes in the mornings I get so impossibly frustrated with trying to get out the door.
My first hour and half of the day is filled with  negotiations, threats for "quiet time", loud, persistent whining and sudden enamoration over toys that have long been forgotten. Oh and almost ALWAYS a need to poop right as we are leaving.

I am so thankful that I have a job that doesn't need me to be in a building at 8am to clock in.

I dare not ever complain about the mornings. I know that there are plenty of moms with double or triple the kids. But still, no matter what the extent, it ain't easy getting out the door.

So I feel my frustrations in the morning but I can assure you that I would not wish any of it away ever. Listening to her sweet little voice say mommy and feeling her wrap her arms around my neck with so much love and fervor, well, it's just awesome. And though in my 30 days of gratitude I feel like it goes without saying that I'm grateful for my daughter, because that is THE biggest thing for which I am grateful. But I'm also thankful for the details.

I'm thankful that I get to experience my early morning toddler shenanigans. My life just wouldn't feel right without them now.

Kicking leaves on the way to the car. Taking her good ol sweet time.

30 days of gratitude #9

Today I'm thankful for coffee;
my early morning hug in a cup.
that sweet smell of heaven that goes straight to the pleasure centers of my brain.
Good God I do love coffee.

Additionally, I'm thankful for coffee shops
and how by sitting in them I always tend to feel less stressed and way more creative.

30 days of gratitude #8

Today is not my wedding anniversary, but 5 years ago a certain man and I met for the first time. We met in a coffee shop and I will never forget the first time our eyes locked. He smiled. I smiled. It was history from there.

Travel, home ownership, marriage, a child, we've been through a lot. He's my partner in this life. Our days are not as carefree as when we first met, GOD NO. But our lives are just as rich. For me, there is something very sweet about having a hard day and knowing you get to go home and be with the people you love the most. 

Mike is a fine fella. He always does the dishes (he hates the way I load the dishwasher and I'm totally ok with that!) He is a terrific dad. He pretends to listen to my work stories. He lets me play my music most of the time. He makes me laugh. He is a quirky, adorable man.

We are a family. I'm grateful today (and every day) for my husband.

Love you, Mike!

30 days of gratitude #7

I had a dad. I had a really good dad.

Right now I'm closing my eyes and feeling what gratitude is. This is a powerful ritual for me on November 7. Seven years ago today my dad left us.

When I think of my gratitude it's sometimes hard to not feel it as bittersweet.
Gratitude and sadness. Intertwined on the same heart.

How I wish my dad could share the gifts that I have in my life now. He would have loved watching football games with my husband; their quiet countenances have always been so eerily similar. I can just picture his face lighting up at seeing Eleanor. He would have adored her. She would have loved him. She would have called him Grandpa.

I wish she knew the word Grandpa.

This is life. People come and go. We all have a story. We all carry some pain deep inside. Loss will skip no one.

My story had a father in it named John. His heart was so full of love for his family that it lit up his entire face. He was an anchor, centralizing a family that always seemed to be in a million directions. I can just reach out and touch my memories of him. I am pulling up into his driveway after a long time away from home to run in and give him a hug. He gives the best hugs. I'm watching his childlike glee on Christmas morning as we open our gag gifts from him. I'm sitting in a lounge chair poolside in a Maine resort town as my father and I talk about spirituality. I'm tasting the tears as my father tells me he has terminal cancer.

This is my life. What blessings I have had.

I'm grateful for my dad. Wherever he is.

Dad with two of his grandsons.

30 days of gratitude #6

Today I'm grateful that I have a job.
I'm telling myself this over and over again, because it's the weekend and it's sunny and I am working a 24 hour shift on top of my already 40+hour/week job.
I have a job.
I have a job and I (usually) really like it.

So as I'm about to leave my very cozy and cute family to do another patient visit I'm reminding myself of this.
I have a job.

I have a job.

I get to have a job.

Okay. Attitude adjusted.

30days of gratitude: #5

Today I am grateful for our home, and how cozy it feels when the seasons change. 

30 days of gratitude (#4)....and fashion friday: HALLOWEEN EDITION

Today I am grateful for fashion friday,
and more specifically, this blog.
This blog has allowed me to capture and freeze these beautiful, blessed days.
It's allowed me to revisit the emotions and feelings that were so enormous at the time.
It lets me look back and have a laugh
and to ponder my own, unique journey as a mom, wife, nurse, human

...and bad ass fashion director! (tee hee)


Today's fashion friday is dedicated to Halloween. Of which there were several costumes.

Courtesy of hand me downs and thrift store finds. Can't beat that!

30 days of gratitude

Today I'm thankful for

the strong and beautiful women in my family.
And for the role models that Ellie will know..

30 days of gratitude

Today I am grateful for

my daughter's budding creativity.

It makes my heart melt.

How long do you pretend to be something until you actually are?

I, like countless millions of others, have a really nice camera.

Really nice cameras seem to be popular these days.

I like to take pictures with my camera.

I take a LOT of pictures with it. 

I really LIKE to take pictures with my camera. 

And I know that a lot of people really like to take pictures. 

I would not declare that I am a photographer, only sometimes I am. Am I really good? No probably not. Do I have a TON to learn? Absolutely. Do I love it? Yes yes yes. And just as much as the actual photo taking what I really truly love is the editing. I love trying to figure out how to make a picture "pop". I love trying to find the balance between too much editing and just right. This seems to be a skill that definitely gets better with practice.

I've had some friends ask me to take their pictures lately for special events. This I find hugely flattering. Of course I offered my services for free, because I'm too new at this to think I could actually charge for pretending to be something. 

So when does the pretending end? When are you allowed to declare that you are something? 

I'm not ready to declare that I'm a photographer. I feel that it somehow negates the hard work that actual photographers do. But I'm trying on the hat. It feels fun on my head.

Anyway, here are some of my pics from a photo shoot I did for my friend Sarah this weekend. I'd love to hear what you think!

weekend wrapup

What I did this weekend.
by Summer N.

1. I made a raw dinner with my friend Annie.
2. I went for a hike.
3. I ate no processed sugar.

4. I went to a house party.

5. I watched a movie.

6. I unpeeled about a thousand stickers from the floor (ok maybe like a dozen)

7, I did the running man.
8. I watched Dora in the bathroom while my daughter pooped for an hour

9. I took photos of a friend and her son.

10. I fell off a piano in a freak planking accident.

Pretty fall hike in Golden, CO via phone camera.

I was on the ground right about 1 second after someone took this pic. Awesome.

Fashion friday, sweat and tears and all

Now that my daughter is getting older and way WAY more verbal, she likes to make it very clear that she wants to make the decisions regarding anything that has to do with her. Which is why my fashion friday posts have not been as consistent. If I could convey how much ENERGY goes into one photo shoot then you would totally understand. That being said, I managed to get today's outfit on her. I did not manage to get a single smile for the camera, but that's okay kid, I'll take it.

Not having it.

In other news, this is my second day of no sugar. The depths of my sugar addiction have become too glaring for me to ignore. It's gotten to the point where I have been "requiring" sugar every day just to keep from feeling like shit. And I just don't think that's right. So I've gone cold turkey, and no this isn't a forever thing, but I'm trying to give it a good amount of time so I can retrain my brain and hopefully make it not taste so WONDERFUL. Wonderful and evil if you ask me. 

Today I had a PLAIN latte and it was actually totally awesome. 

(Operation caffeine will have to be another lifetime day.)

Dress: Corky's kids

Shirt: Target

Tights: thrift store

Legwarmers: Zoots

Boots: Osh Kosh

Out of the fog

Starting on the day after my marathon and up to about yesterdayish, I developed some sort of bronchitis or pneumonia and was a total mess. I would shiver incessantly, sleep like crazy, and had a deep tightness in my chest that went way too far down. It was awful and I can honestly say that for me, it was as if this past week never even existed. It was a blur, all of it. It resulted in a successful round of antibiotics, three missed days from work, TONS of coughing, and LOTS and lots of sleep.

Today when I woke up I actually felt good. And guys, that feeling, the feeling of NOT feeling sick, took on a whole new meaning. If you have your health, you have everything. Take that away and life becomes so hard.

Unfortunately the sickness, in a very muted version (thank God) hit Ellie and she has been sniffling and coughing. And what happens to Ellie when she feels sick? She becomes a total and absolute GRUMP! Her amazing ability to NOT be happy with literally every option presented to her is dumbfounding. It would astound any childless adult how something as simple as drinking milk can turn into a complex game of compromise and choices. "Ellie you can have this cup or this cup". "NOOO, I WANT THE OTHER CUP! Ok let me pour the milk. "NO, I WANT TO POUR IT!!". No Ellie Mommy will pour it. Do you want me to bring it into the living room? "NO! I WANT TO HOLD IT!!!! Okay, do you want a straw or no straw?" "NO STRAW!!!" Ok.  "I WANT A STRAW!!!! I set it down. "NO PUT MILK THERE!!!!! I WANT JUICE!!!!!" I can honestly say for the first time I UNDERSTAND why parents let their kids go to public places like restaurants and the mall in their pajamas. I never got it before but man do I get it now.

In other news:

I've gotten Invisaligned!! Yes I'm 34 and finally straightening these teeth of mine but at least they are not metal and no headgear is involved. Instead I had these "tooth colored buttons" adhered on several teeth and a series of trays that must be worn until the straightening process is over, a mere TWO YEARS from now. They are not so bad really except when I'm not wearing my trays and my new teeth warts stab me in the lip from the inside. I'm convinced it's some sort of twisted orthodontical trick to make sure you wear your new gear. 

We harvested our garden! True to form my gardening thumb goes from bright green in spring to a putrid yellow color come fall. Translated: my garden, though once revered in my eyes to be the marvel of the neighborhood, sucks. We got a bunch of scrawny beets and scrawny carrots. And one onion. Oh yeah and a couple of  half cucumbers that we accidentally pulled. I guess it was the whole not watering thing that did it in. I hate when that happens.

So what do you do with a bunch of beets? Duh, you make borscht! Which is what we did today. Does anyone want some? No seriously, we have a shitload of borscht. Enough borscht to make you burst. Which reminds me....

Upon eating a shitload of borscht remind yourself as you go to the bathroom that you are not bleeding internally. It's the borscht. It's only the borscht. 

Back at it!

Fist pumping our victories!

I have to say that one of the more proud moments of my life was running through the streets of Denver with my little brother for the Rock-n-Roll half marathon yesterday. My brother only started running last year but he is crazy into it. He's happier, he's lost 50lbs, he looks awesome! I thought he was going to kick my butt but I managed to stick with him for 9 miles until I just couldn't keep up with his pace. God knows I wanted to but my legs physically would not move faster.

I finished the race in 2:22. It's faster than I thought I'd be but definitely room for improvement. But as my little bro said as we were climbing up 17th street, "I can see these marathons being addictive". It's such a wonderful feeling running, pushing yourself, being cheered on, accomplishing goals. Man it was fun!

But hoo boy am I sore today!!!

Waiting to start. It was about 38 degrees. 

Little pit stop at mile 10 to hug my little girl.

The city was basically shut down yesterday morning so 15,000 runners could do their thing on the streets of Denver. Sign me up for next year!!!

Kitten riding

In just 5 short days my brother and I are going to be riding in the Denver Kitten Riding Half Marathon!!! Meow!!!

Wha? Do you think we would be disqualified if we showed up with monster sized kitties? Perhaps, but since this was posted to my facebook page I thought I'd use it. The truth is, this kind of thing is EXACTLY why I love my brother so much. We have this very unique, known-you-since-birth kind of humor that, when together, I think confuses people. It can get wierd.

Adam's never been to Denver before. And me, well I've never actually run a race with a family member and this makes me VERY proud and excited. I'm also kind of nervous. Not about the family member part, but I guess about the agonizing lactic acid that seems to accumulate in massive quantities from my knees down.

KITTENS!!!

The oh so big thing in our lives.

There has been a really big thing that has been happening in my family. I have wanted to write about it for so long, to put it out there into the world. Wanting to know DOES ANYONE HAVE A CLUE WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT? Because let me tell you it has been intense, and continues to be. And none of us really has any idea of what we are doing.

You see, one of my family members is sick, really sick. For the sake of privacy I have not mentioned anything. But now we are so deeply ingrained in this sickness. There is no need to hide it. There is no need to feel shame in it. It just is and continues to be. I have received the blessings from my family to finally talk about it. Now I get to share this story, and please, if you have a story to share, please contact me. I feel like there is so much I want to ask you.

This person is my sister in law.

Kelly is a healthy, beautiful 43 year old woman. She has 4 beautiful children. Coming into this family I have viewed her as a kind of matriarch. Her mom (and my husband's) is no longer alive, and Kelly has always been such a seasoned mother. She'd call my husband all the time to check in, always ending the conversation with "I love you". Her heart is very, very good.

About a year and a half ago we started noticing that she was acting "strangely". She became socially awkward, in a way that we didn't understand. We didn't mention it to each other for awhile; it was just a subtle awkwardness. It was her lingering answers. Talking about a conversation that happened 10 minutes ago. A sort of obliviousness to the natural flow of conversation.

It kept getting worse. Eventually we started talking. "What's up with Kelly?" No one knew. She started acting stranger and stranger. She started making up stories, telling us bold faced lies that we all knew were not true. She was seeing and believing in things that weren't happening. It started getting scary. 

This is a strange situation to be in. We confronted her as a family. "Kelly, we think you need help". She would respond by changing the subject by telling an unrelated story. It continued to get worse. She became so "checked out" that you couldn't even have a reasonable conversation with her. We became desperate, really and truly having absolutely no idea what to do. She finally agreed to go to a psychiatrist.

Upon meeting Kelly the psychiatrist recommended that Kelly go to an inpatient psychiatric unit. So she did. She was there for several months and all she got was worse. And more worse. She started looking different. She would look at you with either a blank stare or total confusion. She showed no emotion whatsoever except when she would cry. Her body would shake. She was drifting so terribly far away from us and no one knew where she was going. Not even the doctors. She tried a multitude of medications and therapies, all to no avail. Eventually they said there just wasn't anything they could do for her. And this was a terrifying thing to hear.

She came home as a deeply sick woman. She wasn't able to take care of herself. She would wander. She couldn't be alone. Yet coexisting with her were her 7 year old daughter and her husband, both of them desperate for answers. Both of them desperate to have their wife and mom back.

Eventually her behaviors got her into a medical hospital and it was there that the picture began to make sense. At University of CO Hospital she received x-rays, CT scans, an MRI, blood work. A picture began to form. It explained to us how the beautiful, loving, smart mom and woman that we all knew and loved had changed into someone so sick. How she changed so dramatically in less than two years. 

Kelly, my 43 year old sister law and mother of four, has frontotemporal dementia.

Dementia.

At an alarming speed the cells in her brain were dying. This was on one hand relieving to GET A FRIGGING ANSWER and yet the most heartbreaking scenario that we could imagine. She was, and is, dying. Her brain is getting sicker and sicker, and YET, her body continues to be healthy, to be young. 

There is so much I want to say on this subject. I feel like I could type endlessly about grief. About frustrations with long term care placement. About Medicaid. About family dynamics. About loss. About being really fucking pissed off. About being really fucking sad. About having no control. About how to support each other. About what this is doing to Kelly's husband and her children . About losing somebody that is actually still right here with us. About how unbelievably expensive dementia facilities are.  How scared I am that there is a gene for this running in my daughter and my husband's DNA. How UNFAIR it is that someone in the prime of their life has to go through this.

We are learning so much but I will say that ultimately, this is a disease that does not have a lot of community support or information. You just don't expect to get something like this. You just don't.

I want to end this post by mentioning my brother in law, Rick (Kelly's husband). This is a man that literally had his world crash down on him, who day after day gets up, brushes himself off, and takes care of his wife and daughter (Kelly's other children of a previous marriage do not live with her.) Words can not possibly convey the work that he experiences with his job, his new role of being a father AND a mother, and the new "child" that is his wife, who constantly needs redirection and safety. Not to mention the forms, the guardianship, the long term care applications and a myriad of other things that frankly any young reader should and probably has no clue about. Yet despite all the trials he continues to be the strongest soldier in fighting for his family, and it is a constant battle. He does it because he must, but the quality about him that I most respect and admire, is his devout love for his wife. His sick, sick wife who only partly resembles the woman he married. His love has been profound and when I think about it I very clearly see how beautiful and heartbreaking, love can be. 

Love is about being present. When you have dementia, you lose your memories. Your future is uncertain. The mere ability to communicate overwhelms you. Being present is all that you have. Being present with her is the best that we can give. We are learning how to do this.