working through this

Roughly 7 miles away from my home is where 12 people lost their lives in a horrible mass shooting. In a hospital roughly 6 miles away lays a young mother, in and out of consciousness and paralyzed, who still does not know that her 6 year old daughter was among the fatalities. Fatalities that include a 27 year old who was celebrating his birthday, a 32 year old mother, a recent college graduate, a recent high school graduate.

Last month at "Jazz in the Park", a concert series in the park 2 blocks from my house, a woman police officer, off duty, was shot and killed.

In Park Hill, the next neighborhood over, there is gang related activity reported on a monthly basis.

I will never understand this. Why do humans inflict this kind of terror upon each other? Why must innocent people..children..be killed?

I have to recognize this hard knot of grief for what it is, even though it is entirely difficult to name. As a mother protecting her daughter from the dangers in the world, as a public nurse working in a large metropolitan area, as a woman who is starting to feel a real sense of anxiety in crowded spaces, my world is being rocked with fear. And that's such an unhealthy little monster to to live with.

I don't want to go to the public pool and be worried about gang activity, but I am.
I don't want to be scared to go on a walk after dark, but I am.
I don't want to find scraggly looking men going through the dumpsters in the alley, but I do.

I love Colorado. I am happy here. But my happiness comes more from the mountains, in nature, where all things feel right with the world. Here, less than 2 miles from downtown, we are urban. And though I personally feel a tight community of friends around me (and that does, also, give me true happiness), I find myself questioning if choosing this urban lifestyle is worth it while raising a young child. My husband makes the argument for diversity. I don't like that argument. I'm not looking for diversity, I'm looking for peace of mind and safety.

I feel shaken to my core with this recent movie theater shooting. My feelings are confusing and difficult to navigate. I know that I feel deep sadness for all the families of the deceased, and for that woman that goes in and out of consciousness, still unaware that her daughter is dead? I honestly don't think I'd want to be woken up.

Is this morose? Sorry. This seems to be the world we live in.

I want to be IN the mountains.