Alive! (...and scared to death)

I had a work meeting this morning. As I've mentioned, things have been on the intense side with my patients. And then my sister in law died. My work rallied behind me in such a special way (I am so blessed to work with them) and really helped hold me up when I needed to take a break. So today, as I was talking with my social worker friend I found myself reliving the story of yesterday, a story of how I came THIS close to death, and as I was speaking the words I suddenly found myself to be very embarrassed; another dramatic story in my life. Why does there seem to be so many of these? I do not like drama, and yet, at least for the past month, it has been sticking to me like glue. It makes me question my own relationship to it, my own cause and effect. It made me want to skip over the story of yesterday entirely and move forward like it didn't exist. Perhaps I should really do this. But I'm not going to. I'll tell it, share, learn and move on.

The whole near death experience lasted for maybe 30-45 minutes. I was hiking a 14,000+ foot mountain with a friend. We got off the path. We got ourselves into a bind and  found ourselves scrambling for the ridge in a small, ravine that was, well nearly 14,000 feet in the air. This was not a good route. There was loose dirt and rocks around us and the rocks that were needed for a stronghold were crumbling beneath my fingers and feet.  Each step took about 5 minutes until I could find another good one that wouldn't cave beneath my feet. I became terrified. In that moment I suddenly became acutely aware of my own mortality. I wanted to cry as I remembered Ellie begging me to go back to bed from our snuggly hotel room in Breckinridge that very morning. I prayed to God. I prayed that I would make it out of that moment and that similarly, I wouldn't kill my friend with an assault of loose scree as he climbed beneath me. I tried my absolute best to withhold a full blown panic attack. I didn't want to die. What the hell was I doing in that situation?

Through some crazy maneuvering we got out of that ravine. I was more scared than my friend who insisted that we wouldn't have died, we would have nearly fallen and scrambled and probably skinned ourselves severely. Fun, too.

I am not proud of the experience that happened yesterday. I do not seek out those fear induced moments. I do not desire them either. But that's the thing about mountains. Mountains are to be reckoned with. You have to be prepared for a slew of "what if" experiences. When you are hiking that high up you are so exposed and you are the visitor. Mountains are fantastic and scary. I stood on top of that mountain and it felt like I was on top of the world; I was so unbelievably high. My body was so tired, emotionally and physically, and I was so grateful for the ground beneath my feet. I was alive!

There are simple lessons in this story: trust your instincts, wear a helmet when hiking so high and never underestimate mama nature.

And then there are life lessons. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes you find yourself in squirrely situations. Sometimes all you can do is try, as hard as you can, to get out alive. To get out sane. To get out however way you want. Sometimes you don't have control. Sometimes you hope that there are angels helping you.  Sometimes it feels like bringing your body up a mountain, real or metaphorical, is the most difficult task in the world. But still, you do it. Because you can.

I will not stop hiking mountains. But for right now, I'm sticking to the "easier" 14,000 foot mountains. I love my family too much  to even fathom leaving them.

Castle Peak

On the way up.

working!

The ravine we had NO business being in.

My buddy and I at the top.

What a view!

My friend opted to go back down by glissading (aka sliding on your butt). I opted for the more challenging and MUCH more controlled old school mode of transport: my feet!

It takes hard work to stand on top of a mountain, but it feels so good. I think mountains are like goals: achieving them can bring you true joy.


(...and a whole lot of humble pie).

You're kickin ass, Colorado.

Like the rest of the country, it's hot here. I just don't do well with hot. 80's yes...bring it! But 90's, 100's? Whoa! Close the door behind you please and shut the blinds you're letting out the cool air. Saturday was record temps of 102 and I just couldn't fathom a day of being stuck inside, but I had to work that evening so we couldn't take a big adventure into the high, high country.

Instead, we drove 24 miles west and hiked up to St. Mary's Glacier. This is a well known landmark but I had never been, and let me just say my mouth was slack jawed when I got to the top. A)There's a glacier. There's a glacier. (Did I mention it was 102 in Denver?) B)Oh my God it was so pretty. And so close. And so easy to hike up with Ellie. C) though still warm, it was about 30 degrees cooler. Does everybody know about this??!!!

I am always trying to find close little hikes I can do with Ellie while Mike is working. This one is my new favorite.

I won't lie to you blog, I absolutely love Colorado.

We are GOING TO HAVE FUN, damn it!

I told myself, before I had a child, that I would not allow the fact that I have a child disrupt me from the things I love most in life. I would share these things with my child, and in doing so my child would simply LOVE these things, just as much as her mama.

Hahahahahahaha.
Hahaha. Ha.

I love hiking. I really, truly, in my heart of hearts, find tremendous joy from hitting the trail and feeling the energy of movement course through my body. I mean this is NATURE. Of course this is something that I want to share with my child. I want her to feel the mountain air, explore wildflowers, take in her beautiful surroundings. And you know, now she's getting bigger, and she's more...interactive. Which is usually pretty awesome, and it makes me feel energized when she explores. I want her to know this love of mine.

I'm a regular follower of my friend Elizabeth's blog, and she's always posting these great photos of her toddler in the backpack, both of them with all kinds of smiles. She makes it look so FUN, so EASY. And truly, the touting in the backpack is not terrible. I don't mind at ALL carrying the extra load. But little miss Ellie has got a mind of her own when it comes to mommy's "special time". And it involves tons of whining, sticking her fingers in my ears, pulling at my hair, smearing the sweat on my neck all over my face. She wants to play with the water bottle cap. She wants a drink of water. She wants to play with the water bottle cap. She wants a drink of water. She wants to play with the water bottle cap. OMG. All the while I am TRYING to enjoy nature!

Not havin' it.

This picture sucks and I know it. It would have been awesome if Ellie was paying attention to the beautiful butterfly dancing in front of us, and not trying to grab my camera. Aaahh!

Note to self: though I will never use the front facing snugli again as I practically have to step over my child to get down the mountain, I will continue to bring a camelback if possible because lo and behold, that nozzle gave me a good 15 minutes of fuss free attention.  

The other issue is one of timing. Colorado is very predictable. It's sunny and hot in the morning, and then, in the summer, you can almost expect a summer storm to come through. So breakfast, a 9:30 nap, changing of the clothes, packing of the stuff and various other child keeping tasks and then I'm out the door, usually with at least 2 more runs back inside for stuff I forgot while Ellie screams from the car when she sees me sprinting away. We have narrowly missed all rainstorms at this point but getting the hike squeezed into our Colorado weather time slot is another stress. (don't even say get up earlier. I'm a night shift worker and that is unfortunately not in my vocabulary)

See how dark those clouds are? Time to walk FAST!

STILL, we persevere. One of these days she's gonna love it. I just know it.

Pretty.

Haulin ass up a mountain

We finally got our Kelty hiking backpack that we (well, I) have so lustfully longed for. And yesterday (aw sweet mother's day) I tested that bad boy out on one of the Flatirons in Boulder. My final hypothesis is this: Ellie was sweet and comfortable, and I'm going to have a rock solid
 BUTT if I keep up this sort of workout. Two minutes in and I thought I was a goner. But I settled into my pace and ended up summitting, getting a fair share of wise cracks from hikers we passed about "me" carrying the baby, and not Mike. He kept yelling "hey I offered" and I was a tad annoyed that someone should expect Mike to carry the precious cargo, since he's a M-A-N and all. Truth be told, I'm happiest when I'm carrying her. I just love her so much.

Mike and I have a historical love of hiking 14'ers. But last year, with the baby being so new and all, we couldn't/didn't, doctor's orders. This year we have been given permission from the doc and little Ellie G can make her first ascent to 14,000plus feet above sea level. And we can lug the extra 25-30 pounds of love up the mountain. But this year oh how it will burn. It will burn burn burn because my haulin ass up a mountain days have been fewer than ever. And 14'ers are no easy mountains to climb.

But this is the joy of life! Finding a challenge and conquering it. Finding a goal and reaching it. I remember my sophomore year of college when I had never hiked a thing, and I was 30 pounds heavier and oh so sad. But I sucked it up. I felt the burn burn burn and hauled my ass up lots of mountains. And pushed my body to lots of challenges. It didn't take long till I absolutely loved it. And my 20s and 30s I have had pretty decent fitness, and that's not a brag, that's an acknoweldgement of my personal feats. And I have been so happy setting these goals and meeting them.

This year has been more challenging. Now with a little one I can't just get up and go whenever I feel like it. I've struggled with finding the time. But slowly but surely my familiar determination is finding some ground.

Two summers ago this was us.....

This summer it will be us, plus Ellie.

Happiness is a wonderful thing. And I truly believe it is in these reachable goals and adventures that it is tantamount.

August

I haven't been feeling very bloggy lately. My life has been consumed with my new job and various trips out of town. I have not sat still much. Today I realized it was August 25th and it occured to me that August was out the door before I even noticed she was here.

I hiked another 14er on Tuesday. It was alive with wildflowers. Mountains don't let you miss what's going on around you. Maybe that's why I love them so much.

Things your mother should never know about...

On Saturday Mike and I headed with our friends, Cameron and Tommy, to Carbondale to hike Snowmass, another one of Colorado's 14ers.

At this point we've hiked a bunch of 14ers, but this one, for me anyway, definitely took the cake. Let's just say that at our after-hike chow down someone actually said, "you know I'm kind of surprised that no one died today." Yeah, it was scary.

The difference in this hike was its amount of vertical. We started at 9000 feet and I want to say that the last 1500-2000 feet involved angles that weren't necessarily 90 degrees, but they sure felt like it much of the time. I had not ever climbed a mountain that required so much technical skill. Supposedly it didn't need actual climbing gear, but there was lots of hands over hands climbing, searching for handholds in the rock.

We were all pretty spread out on the last part of the climb. At one point I'm trying to work my way out of a rock cropping, I'm all alone, and I won't lie to you, pretty freaked out, yet committed. This is the point where the trusty rock that I'm standing on rocked out from under me. Let me just tell you that my life flashed before my eyes here. I got to a safe spot and tried to slow my heart rate down. I looked down and knew that falling was not an option.

It's amazing the inner strength you can find when you need to.







But despite the scary nature of the hike, the views were absolutely breathtaking. Once at the top you know exactly why you made the journey. It felt like we were on top of the world, looking down at a magnifcent earth covered in snowy peaks.



Coming down was a whole other story, but I'll let this picture do the talking. (And if you had a conversation with my quadriceps, they would have a few things to say as well).


All in all, 14ers can be challenging, rewarding and can expose you to very humbling experiences. But, for me, the best part about taking the 14er challenge are the insanely beautiful scenes that they allow you to be a part of. Nature totally rocks!

1st 14er of the year!

And it was a pretty easy one. We had such a snowy winter, and since Mike and I aren't super hard core about drudging up a 14,000 foot mountain in snow shoes, this was our first. We started with Mt. Quandry in Breckinridge and had a lovely time. It was a nice way to break in this new season of 14ers. (Last year we did 7.) Brian and Sarah joined us. We love love love hiking with Brian and Sarah! (though this was probably our last 14er together this season as Mrs. Sarah is el-pregnito! (congrats girl! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!)
Anyway, We started out at the South Park Music Festival, which ended up looking like this due to the pretty much non-stop rain. But we did get this...(You know I always wondered if South Park, CO recognized the fact that South Park the cartoon was centered on this town. When I saw this
I realized that they did.)

Anyway, thanks to my friend Martin for letting us stay at his gorgeous house at the base of Quandry.
We of course drank wine and jammed out(Brian plays, too!)

and had a great day of hiking.
r

The only bummer was poor Jackie. She's really been limping lately so it wasn't a good idea for her to do a 14er. This was the sad face we saw before we left for our hike.

But besides our Jackie Brown being injured (but still having a grand time in the mnts), all in all, a great weekend. I think this will be a fabulous summer! Summer in Colorado seems to always end up that way!