or I just couldn't say goodbye,
or the more honest reason: sometimes I don't have anything to write. Or the time to write it. Or the energy to find out what it is that I even want to write about. But I don't want to stop writing.
This summer has come, flourished, and is wrapping up. I made big preparations last spring, preparations that were meant to glean all of the beautiful Colorado goodness and all of the savor-every-moment mommy-ness that the summer has to offer. I left a well paying day job with a very predictable schedule, took my daughter out of school for the summer (day care school) and declared it to be OUR summer.
And it was. And it was awesome.
And it was also exhausting, and cumbersome and joyous and challenging and, well, it was everything.
Our days have been filled with mountain trips, field trips, road trips, day trips. There have been few naps, and there have been fewer moments alone. The latter was the most challenging, but I tell myself, and what I know to be true, is that her and I, this little 4 year old lover of life, have such an enchanting love, and that the cliche of "long days and short years" couldn't be more true.
Yesterday was my daughter's first day of preschool, a big kid preschool in which she is but a tiny 4 year old in a giant school that goes up to fifth grade. It was just a half day, in which parents stay and learn about their childs' new daytime routines. And her, her sweet little bobbed hair pinned back in a barrette, sitting in a group of her 4 year old peers while the teacher read them a story, and the way she kept looking at me, stealing my glances, checking to make sure I was there, I saw our connection, deep and strong, FULL of love. I watched her, my sweet baby who has grown so much, and choking back tears that I knew would come, I also knew that she was ready. We were both ready to learn to be apart.
So today when I dropped her off "for real", a full day at school in which I wasn't allowed to stay, it was okay. This is where we are now. She is not a baby, she is not a toddler, she is a child, a BEAUTIFUL child. There is so much in the world that awaits her, things that I will not be a part of. Things I can't protect her from. Laughter that I won't see. Behavior that will remain unknown. Smiles and tears that I may never know of.
But I am her mother. I am a million other things as well, but for this one little girl in the world, there is no other mother but me. Just as there is no other girl like her.
