Today is a beautiful day.

There's a few things I've learned about myself in these 35 years.

1. It is impossible to do more than one thing at a time, and to do it well.
Most of my stress comes in the morning, when Ellie is whiny and needs me to do a multitude of things, when I need to get ready for a day of work, when I start getting emails of things I need to attend to. This makes me feel impossibly frazzled as I try to juggle all of these tasks at once. And yet when I stop and watch myself in action, when I have awareness, I see that I'm actually only doing one thing at a time. Yet the stress lingers on as I feel like I need to be doing more than I already am in the present moment.

2. Whatever I'm doing now, do it fully.
If I'm getting Ellie her breakfast, concentrate on getting her breakfast, on putting love into the food, and on communicating with her with full attention. She sees when I'm divided in my present moment, and it never works out well.

3. It will all get done.
This concept amazes me. As I'm living in my present moment I start thinking about all of the things I need to do, my deadlines, my bills, people I need to call. STRESS. And yet...at the end of the day, these things were all done. And they were not done due in part for the stress.

4. I get to choose how I feel.
I can wander around feeling stressed, or angry at a situation. I can feel sad when I visit my patients, or frustrated by the mundane tasky part of my job. But these events come and go. They do not MAKE me feel sad, angry, stressed, bored, frustrated. I choose to feel that way. Why would I choose so much negativity?

5. Living with awareness makes life a whole easier (and more joyous).
Being sad and angry and frustrated and bored, these emotions happen. But I can let them happen and them let them go. I can have the awareness to REMEMBER that I have a choice in the matter. Life is not forcing me to feel any certain way. Life is not some random turn of events that HAPPENS to me. Life is going on in the present moment. Really, all we have is the present moment. And yet I find that my present moment is thinking ahead in the future or floundering in the past. That is not awareness. That causes pain and suffering because the true joy of the moment is in the present. And I miss it if I'm elsewhere.

6. I'm okay just as I am.
There is no future me that will be better. The past me is come and gone. The me that is ME is the me that is NOW. And THAT me is much happier when I'm truly living in my present now. THAT me, or I should say THIS me, feels joy when I accept myself for all that I am, warts and all.

7. There is no other me anywhere at any time.
Wasting energy comparing lives, businesses, practices, what do they accomplish? They accomplish pain, suffering, a feeling that what I am NOW is not enough. And yet, I am enough. I'm me! I'm exactly what I'm supposed to be. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. And I have a choice, always a choice.

8. Each moment is full of so much.
Even as I'm typing on this computer I notice the sounds around me, the birds starting to wake up, the smell of my coffee. There is nothing dull about this moment, about this time of the day when the world starts teeming with life as it awakens. It's not dull because that's not how I choose to see it.

9. There is so much to feel grateful for.
When I reflect on my gratitude the small stuff becomes even smaller. There is so much to be grateful for.

10. Today is a beautiful day.

Sweater Weather

As we settle into a new season our crazy summer living has come to a halt. Weekends with no plans (wha?!), deep cleaning the house, knitting, reading books, THIS is my preview to winter, and it's only fall, and it's still beautiful and we are still going out into the world to explore it, but the pace is certainly changed. I like it. Today the sky is dark with the promise of rain and I even get to wear a SWEATER. Oh my things are changing.

I decided to kill my Month in Review because a) it wasn't very interesting and b) it was a bit of a pain going through all the pictures. So anyway, for future me, Ellie or anyone else that may give a hoot, here's what we've been up to lately.

In search of the goldiest spot in Colorado we could find.

She's pretty gold-y too. 

This is my secret hike that we will do every year.
This was our 5th annual Super  Pretty Fall Foliage Day!

I temporarily suspended my life and all duties in it while I powered through these three books.
And then I went into mourning when they were all through. Ah, Katniss.

Ok, back to the living, I knit this hat for Ellie.
It was the first time I had cast onto my needles in a year!
Pattern here. 

Ah, St Mary's Glacier. A big block of ice sitting in a while lot of pretty.

Hoo boy was that Ergo a good investment.I wonder how much longer we can milk it for. Would it be strange to have a 5 year old on my back? (Don't answer that)

Oops, this little leaf one crept back in here. (Has anyone noticed how annoying it is
to rearrange pictures on blogger?) Oh well, I'll keep it. It makes me happy. 

My favorite photo ever.

There's so much I love about this photo. The light, the unassumed position of my daughter reading, and the saying above her head which captures my love perfectly. We were in the library and I quickly reached for my iphone to snap this picture. A mere 2 seconds after I snapped it she was up and on to me that I wanted a picture (and therefore totally opposed to posing). I love it more than I could ever say.

Five more minutes

Ellie's verbal capacity is taking me off guard. The way she stands with her head cocked and her eyes squinty and says "Mommy I don't understand" and then poses some serious question like "You said I could play with the ipad for 5 more minutes". And she means it as a real serious questions but you guys, this cute little baby of mine, and this conversation, I am NOT TRYING to be condescending by laughing but sometimes, SOMETIMES it's just too cute. So today she said "Mommy stop laughing at me". And I did. I don't want her to feel bad. She does not understand the cuteness yet.

Laughter curbed. (Cuteness remains.)

She does this thing now where everything is 5 more minutes. Get your shoes on Ellie. "Five more minutes, mama!". It's time to go. "Five more minutes, mama!".
This is coupled with her desire for "just a little bit more". Everything needs to be "just a little bit more". More juice. More volume. More more more.
"We're going to end the book here Ellie".
"Just a little bit more!".
And if that doesn't work "Five more minutes".

Mama doesn't laugh at that. It's not as cute the 500 timth around.

We are really blessed to be a very short walk to the Denver Zoo, the Botanical Gardens, and pertaining to today, the Museum of Nature and Science.

I still can not believe that there were dinosaurs roaming about the Denver area some millions of years ago. I stood wide mouthed at a full blown Stegasaurus that was oh you know, just wondering about metro Denver. Ellie was not nearly impressed. She had had enough by the time we got to the dinosaurs at the end of the day. So I pulled this one on her:

"Ellie, five more minutes".

She wasn't enthused and somehow I think the joke was lost on her. So we headed home, her with a new dinosaur bracelet and me with dinosaurs on the brain.

I mean, they're really pretty cool.

Oh, In case you were interested, THIS is what Denver looked like 100 million years ago. According the museum...

I saw this idea on Pinterest to turn your instagram pictures into photostrips. I really kind of like it.

Yes.

q-tips, dropping trow, and being the new kid on the block

One time I went in for a check up and the NP noted, upon using her otoscope, that I had a perfect ring of scar tissue in each ear. She was so perplexed.

I wasn't.

You don't have to be a nurse to know that using 1-3 qtips every single day of your life since you were, oh maybe TWELVE, might create a touch of scar tissue. Eventually that scar tissue or the lack of any sort of wax at ALL might disrupt the natural processes that need to take please for the oh, you know minor things like HEARING.

(Dear God please don't let me go deaf because I'm grossly addicted to qtips.)
(and why do they have to feel so good!?)

*******
I recently dropped my phone in the toilet. My iphone. My you-better-hope-to-God-you-are-getting-new-contract-rates phone. So what they don't tell you when you pay that $10/month insurance charge is that when you need a new phone it's a $169 deposit! Well I paid the darn thing and got my phone last night. Everything looks like the old one. Same old apps and contacts. Same useless Suri. Except now? Now I can't hear a damn thing!

So naturally I eased my frustration with a little qtip sesh.

These are definitely NOT the kinds of things I like to focus my attention on.

(Please let this be a lesson to you to not put your phone in your back pocket before dropping trow.)
(Also don't start digging the qtip so far down your ear and with such frequency that you permanently scar it. Trust me on both these issues)

******
I have a new website now. It's www.summersolsticephotography.com. And I made a facebook fan page, WHICH by the way, is beyond awkward asking people to "like" me. There was a lot of buildup and thought in approaching these two major cyber introductions and now that I'm here? Well now I'm kind of scared shitless, for a MULTITUDE of reasons. I just opened the door to a very cool room which I liken to a jazz club where all the people are hip and cool and they wear berets and smoke cigarettes and clap by snapping their fingers. And I just walked in with some boob high pants and taped glasses saying "hey guys, wanna hang out?"

(snort)

It's nerve wracking, yo. There is some serious out-of-my-comfort-zone stuff going on here.

The thing is, I do pretty well in my comfort zone. In fact, I haven't really left it in a while.

I know I can do this! I'm scared and nervous, but I'm also passionate. There's a dream here, an honest to God dream of doing something CREATIVE with my life. There's just a lot to think about and to do, a lot more than I ever realized before I actually started doing it.

Oh comfort zone, I can leave you for a little while I guess.

But I'm taking my qtips with me.

When even sweat and fatigue doesn't wipe the smile off your face

My weekend (sort of) went like this.

I went to the mountains. I got in a van with mostly strangers. I went for a run. I got back in the van. I waited at various locations for other runners to finish. It got dark. I went for a run. I waited at various locations for other runners to finish.  I had a spaghetti dinner at 2 in the morning. I slept on a gymnasium floor for about an hour. I went for a run. I waited at various locations for other runners to finish. I gave a lot of high fives. At the end of it all I gave a lot of hugs. They weren't strangers anymore, and I was giddy with fitness, fun and extreme fatigue.

This weekend was the Ragnar Relay, a 12 per team race from Breckenridge to Aspen, 188 miles. We didn't win but we did pretty well. This is positively from the several Ironman folks that were traveling with us and their badass running examples. It was pretty hard in the sense of being so sleep deprived. But it was gorgeous, and as I told my running mates the scenery alone was like a big cup of coffee, inspiring and uplifting. Especially on my last 6.4 mile leg through Glenwood Springs as the sun started rising. It was hard and uphill but I knew I was happy. It was too pretty not to be.

This weekend was special not just because I ran a cool race or I met all kinds of cool people. It was special because I felt like ME again. Not MOM me. Not NURSE me. Just ME. Fun me. Fun me that's not preoccupied with my kid or my job. NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE AND ADORE MY CHILD but it was....neat....to have a couple of days where I was "just me". And because I dropped my phone in the toilet (YES I DID THIS! AND NO IT WASN'T THE PORTAPOTTY!!!) it was really "just me". Unreachable, grinning, sleepy me.

Man it was fun.

All of the Ironman around me was inspiring. Now I just wanna run!

The Ghost of Grandpa Dick

Yesterday day I watched a big, bearded, formerly burly trucker, who also happened to be my patient, lay on his deathbed. He looked small in the queen-sized bed, always adamant about no hospital bed. He had a lot of pain that we were managing with morphine and he was chronically hypoxic (lacking oxygen). But he was alert. He was oriented. He wanted to know what we were talking about.

He had a big family of brothers, most of them unable, emotionally and/or physically to make the trek to Colorado. But one brother did. One older, balding man who told this nurse many stories of loss. This brother was vigilant by this patient's bedside.  I could see that his heart was breaking.

When all the nursing stuff was done I just sat back against the wall and I watched. I watched this formerly burly trucker hold hands with his older brother. I watched him look him in the eye and say "I'm not scared. I love you". I watched the tears that fell from his family. I watched the looks of love in the room, the ginger touches, the pain in their eyes. I sat against my wall and thought how did I get here? How did I get to be in this man's room, privy to his dying scene, privy to the love and deep pain that permeated the space?

As he lay dying it became clear that this man was in two different worlds: the world of the living and the world of the dead. He was talking about his Grandpa Dick, a man that I later learned he had never met. His brother knew him before he died. This patient described Grandpa Dick and said he was at the front of "the people", waiting for him.

Grandpa Dick. This happens a lot, where people see other people that have passed. This phenomena blows me away more than I could ever articulate. It is consistent. The dead appear. The dead are present in the dying space. They often visit with the dying hours and even days before the person dies. I have another patient who just last week started getting visits from her mother and sister, both passed. This happens with such strong regularity. If you didn't have a faith in afterlife it makes you question it, it does. How does Grandpa Dick appear when he doesn't even have a memory formed of him? How can he describe him without knowing him?

The man died in the early morning hours. He was a good man and I miss him.

My hunch is that now he's with Grandpa Dick.

Three girls, one weekend

Three girls being myself, my daughter and my mom.

I love those girls.

Trash talk

And don't you forget it!!!

forget smores!

This is what you do when you're sitting around a campfire with nothing to do but hang out with your friends and entertain your love of photography. These were done with a hot poker, a long shutter speed and about 100 takes to get the perfect shot. It was a blast.

But speaking of smores, my husband happens to make them perfectly.

CAMPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a photographer.

I have spent three years scared to say those words. Three years ago is when I purchased my Canon digital rebel but prior to that I was the girl with the point and shoot that always had their camera in someone's face. With the acquisition of my precious digital slr I took it to another level. Though I didn't understand my camera and its functions all that well, I used it relentlessly. I never traveled without it.

I have loved photography in such a heart-centered way. It really makes me happy, all aspects of it from setting up the composition to the editing. I have learned a lot through trial and error and good old fashioned time.

So now here I am in my 35th year of life ready and excited to say the words "I am a photographer". It is the following reasons why the time has come.

1). I actually understand my camera now, understand it in a way that I can comfortably shoot on manual settings. This has been beyond liberating! I can now tell my camera to do that which I was doing in the editing process. It has been the most empowering aspect to not only my confidence as a photographer but to bettering the actual work.

2) I have done this consistently enough through the years to know in my heart of hearts that this is something that I love to do.

3) I have put a lot of work and energy into my photography. I have tens of thousands of pictures on my hard drives (it's actually quite ridiculous). I have spent an obscene amount of time in the editing processes. And I still love it.

4) I'm getting gigs. Over the weekend I shot my first wedding. Friends have used me for family portraits. The feedback has been inspiring.

5) I have so much fun. This may be the biggest reason of all.

 In the past I have been scared to say the words "I am a photographer" because I felt it diminished the work that actual photographers have done. I didn't have enough confidence to step out of the novice waters and make the bold statement, enough confidence to say that I was an "actual" photographer. Even though I could watch myself in action and see that there was an intuitive level of confidence that arose whenever my camera was in my hand.

I no longer feel that I'm diminishing anyone else's talent by saying that I am a photographer. Art is art. I make my art as others make theirs, and in the end it all gets released into the universe to inspire or not inspire. I put up self imposed barriers to myself and I am ready for those to come down. I am doing this now. I am doing it and I love it. Capturing the sweet moments of life brings me the most profound joy.

I am a photographer.

Friends

Some little friends are friends by default. They are born knowing each other.

And as they start growing they are lucky enough to always have their friend(s) around.

When they're bigger they start making their own decisions in life.

Pretty soon they are friends by choice. 

We continue to be so blessed with our favorite next door family. They are such a part of our community, our friendships, and our hearts. We love you guys!

Mornings, and facts about them

Fact: I very much want to be a morning person

Fact: I love staying up late.

Fact: Sometimes I'll set my alarm for "early" and then slug my body into the living room and just sleep on the couch, usually with my mouth wide open and drooling

Fact: My husband think I'm hot.

Fact: That was probably sarcastic.

Fact: I often have my running apparel all ready to go for that early morning jog. 

Fact: My nighttime idealism almost always makes me laugh in the morning.

Fact: When I do get up it's extremely painful to my eyes, which become mere slits of burning red eye flame when I try to open them up in the morning. 

Fact: I should probably not wear my contacts so much.

Fact: I don't like wearing glasses as I can only see in the tiny bespeckled part of my face.

Fact: If you're going to attack me, it's best to come from the side when I'm wearing my glasses.

Fact: I don't want to be attacked.

Fact: I should learn ju-jitsu. Snap kick! Hi-yah!

Fact: I need to be working now.

Fact: I'm awesome. 

But I'm not as cool as this kid.

"Are we here now?"

Ellie, you ask me this whenever we go on a car trip. It's the cutest take on "Are we there yet?"

smitten

Honestly, you crack me up beyond measure;I look at you with pure amazement. The world seems to be making sense to you, and your take on it is beguiling. To hear your high pitched voice insist on cold water in the tub because "Momma, I like cold things now" requires a conscious effort to not laugh from the cuteness. Your artistic abilities are starting to take true form, maybe not so much for us but for you "It's a teapot". "It's a cow". "It's a basketball". You have words for everything now and it's such a pleasure to be able to communicate with you using language.

I still tell you that you'll always be my baby, because honestly, you will be. But you take this very seriously when you get out of the tub and insist that I wrap you up in a towel and scoop you up because "I am momma's baby".

You are growing up and you are pure beauty. I just fall more and more in love with you everyday.

When you ask me "Are we here now?", I reply "Yes, baby. We sure are".

I want to savor here and now more than I could ever articulate.

Where in the World is Queenbloggy?

Back to three

Yesterday morning Ellie woke up and said "Mommy, are our friends leaving today"? (She was referring to my college friend Kyna and her boyfriend who have been with us for a week).

"Yes, Ellie, they have to go back home today."

She said "Is Izak leaving today" (She was referring to her cousin who has been with us for two months).

"Yes Ellie, Izak has to go home today."

"Why is Izak going home today?"

"Because his mommy misses him."

"You mean I'm going to be all alone?"

Gulp.

"No honey, you won't be alone. You have Mommy and Daddy. We can do something fun today, like go to the zoo or the museum."

"Or play with markers?".

"Yes. Or play with markers."

And such is the brain of a child.

***************************************

We are on the heels of a whirlwind summer. We spent the past week nestled in an adorable mountain town with our friends, and the past two months integrating my nephew Izak into the family.

Oh Izak.

Ten is hard, and well, just so different then THREE, which is what I know. But I think we did okay. We had a lot of fun times. There were some hard ones, too, but as I've written before, it's all a part of the whole.

I liked being a family of four. I'll just say that.

Losing our fourth family member is bittersweet. It feels nice to get back into our routine again, but it makes me so acutely aware that our family is not complete. Why is this so challenging?

This is a rhetorical question. I'm tired of hearing "You just need to relax about it". "It will happen when you're not putting so much energy into it". "It's just not your time".

STOP. It hurts and stinks and I don't understand it and I can assure you that none of the above statements makes me feel any better. It just is.

*****************************************

I know that families don't always manifest as you envisioned them. Sometimes having a big heart and a loving home will bring people to you, in my case nieces and nephews. I know they are not mine to call as my children. I know I did not give birth to them.

But like an adopted child, which we may one day have, you love them because you are love. You set four (or more) plates at the table and you eat together. You drive people to various locations. You go about the routine, changed or unchanged, because that's what families do.

I have a lot of love to give. And a lot of place settings.

Today I feel sad and inpatient waiting for Ellie to have a brother or a sister. This is not how I feel every day, but today, on the heels of hugging my nephew goodbye, I feel "the loss". We all do.

Fashion Friday: When Mama DOESN'T Get a Say

Gone are the days when my child would willingly  wear the outfits I meticulously pick out for her. It's kind of hard sometimes to not want to force my fashion sense on my daughter. She wears a LOT of raggy t shirts these days, which, whatever, it's for school where she's making whipped cream collages and fingerpainting. But still, all those pretty dresses hanging on the closet and slowly dwarfing in size to her ever growing body? Well, they sure look pretty on those hangers. Now even bribery is not able to stand up to my daughter's very strong will and sense of haute couture.

So you pick your battles in life. And sometimes you just gotta let a kid be a kid. 

Here is what she came up with with absolutely no input from momma. 

I'll have you know I even took her to the grocery store in this little ensemble. Fashion Friday material fo sho!

Top: Elmo pajama top

Bottoms: silky thrift store find

Socks: I mean, those are kind of cool

Hat: Made by the little sparkle herself.

You are too cool for school, kid! I just love ya!!

Me lucky charms!

I'm going to sit here and totally admit that I just binge ate three bowls of Lucky Charms.

Three pretty big bowls.

Bowls that I convinced my husband to leave the house to obtain. Obtain because I was CRAVING Lucky Charms.

I do that from time to time, with the Lucky Charms.

Cereal that, should it not be for this confessionary blog, I would blame the newly low contents of on the effects of gravity; a settling of particulate matter.

Nope. I ate it.

I also met an old high school friend out tonight that I literally have not seen for 17 years.

And I had three glasses of Prosecco.

And my husband picked up my moderately buzzed bee-hind, complete with two kids and a pizza that was taken out of the oven mid cook.

(my husband is awesome)

The Prosecco  made the cereal eating legal.

Well not really, but dietary legal matters become less important when you are buzzed.

Cereal. Prosecco. I still need to chart. (Blehhhhhhh) Look at me writing a blog post.

My daughter wants me to read to her.

Tee hee, mommy's got the giggles.

So  I did have a laugh tonight!

And I thoroughly enjoyed me Lucky Charms!

Old friend Mark. Still awesome.

SuperNag

As I'm sitting here staring at my blank blog post I'm realizing one startling, kind of sad thing:

I can't remember the last time I laughed.

WHY is this? Laughter is the best medicine, right? I used to laugh all the time. I have solid parentheses around my mouth from being, generally speaking, a pretty happy person. Who laughs.

I mean, not that caring for dying patients isn't a hoot and all, or the aging process of caring for two kids isn't wrought with comedy, but come on! A good solid belly laugh? When was my last good solid belly laugh?

Crickets. Laughing. (those bastards)

I learned yesterday that 35 of my PTO hours that I thought were mine, were, in fact, not mine. They were a glitch. That wasn't funny. That made me want to twist my face into some weird contorted position and yell out "NOT FAIR!!!!!"

My time at work is being analyzed, in a major way, and I've had to do this time tracker thing where I analyze everything I do in my working day. Drove in car to so and so's house: 13 minutes, Booted up computer: 3 minutes, Talked on phone: 4 minutes, Assessed patient: 35 minutes. Farted. No, I didn't fart. That was meant to be funny.

But maybe I can't remember how to be funny?

Home from work I then get one kid, usually Ellie first. Adorable. Man do I love that little sparkle! Then we get Izak who does not provide the usual run-and-hug-cause-missed-you-so-much kind of greeting, but still, it's good to see each other. Now it's here, at this juncture, where my personality reflects its lack of personal laughter. It's when I miraculously turn in to:

Thirty-something-mom-who-overly-nags. One word.

As the nagging spills out of my mouth I am fully aware of my new image. "You need to wear the sunscreen lotion on your face, not the spray". "Pick up your toys". "Wash your hands.""Put away your lunch bag". "Wash your hands again". "Time to take a bath". "Three books only". "No ipad!"

What. Have. I. Become?

I've become so uptight that I can't seem to access the relaxation required for a good solid dose of laughter. Please someone come over here and unwind my inner bitch. Come show up in a clown suit. Moon me. Tickle torture. Something!

I want what she's having.

Four of us.

So we continue our summer as a family of four.

It's strange to suddenly have a new family member in our routine, in our culture. It's required some adjusting. My nephew Izak has been with us for a month now and all in all, I'd say he's fit in pretty well.

I will be honest and say it's not always easy. Somedays my patience runs very thin. Sometimes getting two different kids to different locations and getting to work on time is, como se dice....challenging? Unless I have everything prepared the night before: clothes picked out, lunches made, KEYS LOCATED, work phone and computer charged, etc etc then we can get out relatively unscathed. But this is usually the exception to the rule.

But this is the thing I remind myself when I'm in those crazy making moments: this is a summer to remember. I hope don't think the kids will remember our frustratingly crazy mornings or the pinch in our wallets or the constant nagging to wash your hands.

What does a child remember? At three? At ten?

I hope they remember the camping. The singing. The hula hooping and the hiking. The evening walks. The car drives to new and exciting places. I hope they remember playing "Circle of Life" on full volume over and over in the car. The feeling of being together: happy, safe and loved.

Life is not meant to be all sweet. There are many flavors to living. But hopefully the sweet parts will be the most memorable.

Month in review: July 2012 (the dog days of summer!)