2008 in pictures

January: enjoying a snowy season in Colorado

February: snowed in, Lake Tahoe, CA for Mom's 50th.

March: Getting away from it all to Vegas

April: Loving the spring.

May: graduation

June: Enjoying Colorado via bike.

July: Hiking 14ers.

August: a perfect vacation to Pagosa Springs

September: returning home to Maine

October: long car drives

November: the first visual of our baby

December: domesticating.

2008 was a good year. But you know what? I have a hunch that 2009 is going to be even better!

Success!

After that terribly pathetic first scarf that I actually had the nerve to publish on here, I have to say that I'm pretty happy with this scarf. And thanks to Martha Stewart and a weekend tutorial from my mom, I actually knit a hat! It took me about 4 hours but I bet a super good knitter could breeze through this tutorial. And thanks mom for teaching me how to make a pom pom. Pom poms are beautiful ways to handle your decreasing deficits at the end of the hat! As you can see, Mike got a huge one.


And oh look, here's Mike again. He's reading my first ever bottle of antacids because my newest pregnancy symptom seems to be painful, searing heartburn!

But I digress.

feeling like a winner!

Imagine my surprise when I was toot-toot-tootin along my little truck the other day and I called into KGNU for a prize I didn't even catch and I, like, WON! This has never happened! Turns out I won tickets to see Junior Brown at the Fox in Boulder.

So after a great dinner at The Sink, it was a fun night of good ol' rockabilly! (Mike's favorite)


The little catch that I haven't yet disclosed is that you needed to be a member of KGNU to actually get the tickets, so I ended up paying the $30 to join. So they weren't necessarily free, but I am supporting a great station that I do listen to nearly every single day, and it was a tax write off, PLUS they sent me a free cd. So whatever. I don't care what ya'll say, I'm still saying that I'm a winner! And my conscience can be clear next time they do one of their pledge drives.

Top 5 reasons why this blog rocks

I've been wandering around blogland today and I keep running into LISTS. Apparently the end of the year requires thoughts and insights on the various happenings that have taken place. So because I am feeling so inspired by all of these organized antecdotes and memories, I gotta play too.

Top 5 things that annoy me now that I'm pregnant.
- having the tv on with absoluely nothing interesting to watch.
- listening to people chew when the rest of the room is silent.
- clutter
- Jackie Brown's complete and total exuberance to go for a walk as soon as I walk in the door.
- my own absent-mindedness

Top 5 things I want to do in the next couple of months:
- knit some things for the new baby
- actually use my sewing machine
- join a water aerobics class
- fix the baby's nursery
- get out of town with Mike

Top 5 favorite songs at this current particular moment:
- Long Ride Home: Patti Griffith
- Gianni Schicchi: Puccini
- Heavy Soup: Cornershop
- You Can Close Your Eyes: James Taylor
- Feelin Good: Nina Simone

And lastly, top 5 reason why this blog rocks:
- Because I (usually) get great comments that are so fun to read
- Because it helps me feel more creative
- Because I learn so many cool things from my fellow bloggers
- Because it's mine, all mine..and I get to do whatever I want with it
- Previous entry said, because I say it does!

Happy New Year!

I'm still full from last night's 3 hour dinner. Oh India House...you done me good!

I hope 2009 is insanely wonderful for you!

p.s. I realize the first picture looks a little like a downtown building caught on fire, but in fact, it was fireworks, only shot from the crappy angle that I was at. Check out Kitt's blog if you want to see some much better versions of this cool Denver festivity.

my belly's getting bigger and it's not just from all the cookies!

My belly is burgeoning!

Now that I'm in the "club", I can't help but be amazed at pregnant ladies' bellies. It seems everyone carries their babies differently and start showing at such different times. My friend Sarah is now 30 weeks pregnant and only now can people definitely say that she is pregnant. My other friend Laura is due the day before me and though she's a bit of a thing, has a massive belly! I think I'm about right in the middle, which the middle right now means not being able to button up any of my normal jeans, constant use of my "bella band", and even investing in some full panels (which I'm not quite ready for but by God they're comfortable)!

I'm really glad to be pregnant for the holidays and winter...the early darkness matches my moods and energy levels. But the sweets are just getting to be too much! Of course I spent the day aiding to the gluttony by making my grandmother's cookies. Hard as I try they just never come out like I remember.

You gotta love those haystack cookies!
Happy holidays everyone!

joys

Christmas is almost here!
Here are some of my joys of the seasons.
- the snow on the ground, my growing belly, watching Ellen and cracking up, incense, the smell of pine, walking into a room with a good humidifier, buying Christmas presents, nestling in for the night, Christmas music, Ceramics in the City, clementines, great neighbors, lit up houses, laughing with Mike, the power of my dirt devil, and sweaters.

maybe it's because it's christmastime

Denver is frozen tonight, with temperatures to get to -15 degrees!
This is a night to be thankful for our homes.

Today I did something I hadn't done in a while. I went to church with my neighbor, Jessica. And you know the funny thing...I loved it! I grew up going to a Methodist church, and that experience offered so much richness to my childhood. My mom and I always sung in the choir and were real active in our church community. And that's what it was for me...a community. I missed it.

Going to church is something I stopped doing years ago, mostly because I don't really buy into it anymore. My faith developed outside of the church. It developed as I discovered my love of hiking and going into nature. It was in this environment that I felt the most holy. And this is not something I got out of a church. I don't believe in every word of the bible. I appreciate its message and its stories, but I don't believe I'm going to heaven because I accept Christ. This just doesn't make sense to me. The world is too vast for such an isolated ideology.

Yet the world is so beautiful, and full of so much mystery, that I do believe in something. What it is I can't tell you. I just know that I can tap into it when I'm in beautiful surroundings, or when I share a smile with a stranger, or when I think about this life growing inside of me. There are unexplainable miracles that occur everyday and I don't think there is a denomination of Christianity that can contain it.

Yet I loved my experience today. I listened to the beautiful choir sing John Rutter's "Gloria" and it gave me chills. I loved every second of singing out of the hymnal and I thoroughly enjoyed meeting so many nice people afterwards in the dining hall. It was all of the elements of church that fill me up. It makes me inclined to return, to be able offer the same richness to my daughter. My faith does not lie in the church's doctorine. But there is a faith. I'm not sure if the two can merge, but I am entertaining the idea.

perspectives

My favorite patient will die any day now. He is 86. His wife is 85. They just celebrated their 66th wedding anniversary. She tends to him all day, changes his diapers, puts cool towels on his skin, watches the man that she loves, that gave her 3 children, slowly fade away. Her house is full of their life together. Rich memories of love, of children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, christmases. Soon she will live there alone.

There are things I learn in this job every day. Often they are nursing related, but beyond that I learn about people. I watch husbands and wives take care of each other as they get ready to die, watch their grief, their anger, their frustrations. People are capable of rising to such incredible heights when life says that they must, and they inspire and move me. These perspectives help put priorities into perspective. How can I go into the home of a dying patriarch and a grieving family and stew over the clutch that just went out on my truck? It trivializes all of this. This line of work is a constant reminder of how fragile life it, and how important love is.

At this moment I am utterly filled with love. Mike and I learned tonight that the little baby inside my belly is a little girl. And this information overwhelms me. This little kicking baby that is growing so fast is my daughter. My daughter.

Life is just full of so, so much.

Love comes in many forms.

Without love, life just wouldn't be much fun.

(ssshhh...she's addicted!)

There have been times when I've thought to call a family meeting to organize an intervention for my Mom. You see, she's an addict. A cold, hard addict. And her addiction can, at times, take over her life. She becomes lost in it. She can't see straight. Hours will go by before she realizes she

can't.

stop.

knitting.

You see, my mom's a knit-a-holic. And we've really all come to accept it, and we love her for and despite this infatuation with the needles and yarn. We know she's helpless to her inner knitting beast. But at least she's good. I mean the woman can knit the pants right on anyone!

I never had an inner knitting beast though God knows my mom has tried to find it. And then, one day, I woke up and I felt the urge. I had to knit! I went to a drugstore and bought all my materials. I was armed with previous attempts of knitting education from Mom and a youtube video on how to knit. And by golly while I never! The day finally came...

I knit something!

Sure it's full of holes and mistakes, but maybe somewhere beneath all of the squelching there really is a knitting beast, just waiting to be released!

traditions

It's over. Thanksgiving has come and gone and now we are officially in the Christmas season. I love the holidays. I love the traditions and the songs and the lights and the presents and the good cheer and the food. I love watching classic movies like the Sound of Music and a Christmas Story. I love eating port wine cheese balls. I love the snow. I love the carols. I love Christmas crafts. I love all the baking.

Christmas makes me long for family. Not just my Mike family, but my family family, the one I've had since birth. Christmas just isn't the same without that crazy banter. No one will sing Christmas carols like Mom and no one but myself and my mom know every single word to the entire movie The Sound of Music. No one appreciates being forced to listen to Twas a Night before Christmas like my sister. No one insists on a Christmas eve present in the morning like my brother. And of course no one will give me fake poop or vomit and always always always leave an orange in the toe of the stocking like my dad did.

In any case, situations change, families grow up, grow out, but traditions do not have to die. Mike and I have our own family now with a new addition arriving in Spring of 2009. And you can bet your bottom dollar that that little child will appreciate anything ever done by Julie Andrews, will be crazy for christmas crafts, and will grow up with the same rich memories that still make me smile inside every time the holidays roll around. '

And then all of the holiday goodness comes around full circle.

And I think that's pretty cool.

Thanksgiving

One day my body will start to fail,

my mind may start to wander,

my heart could break in two,

my optimism start to wane.

But today, on this day,

my hands can not write of

anything except joy.

My life is blessed.

My heart is grateful.

I hope all of you have much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Feed me Seymor!

I had a nutrition teacher in college who I absolutely loved. She was so wise, so right on. She was one of those people I wanted to be like. There were two pieces of wisdom that she passed down to us that I took to heart because I loved her so, and I locked it in my brain so as never to forget. One is that the New York Times is the best place to receive your news, it's innovative and well researched, especially their tuesday science section. So I immediately got a subscription. She also said that there are two days that you can forget anything you ever thought about your diet: your birthday, because you deserve it, and thanksgiving, because the whole day is about EATING (note: NOT christmas). So, given that,

Thursday is Thanksgiving, my almost favorite holiday of the year! And thanksgiving dinner is most indubitably my FAVORITE meal of the year. Especially this year, because as I have recently discovered,

this pregnant lady is HUNGRY!

Hey now. That hoodlum's got potential!

We have sketchiness in our alley all the time. Those crazy men that roll through, pilfering through the dumpsters, the break ins, and the "tags" that always seem to appear in the mornings. This neighborhood is wonderful about rallying together to clean things up and we definitely watch each other's backs. But we do live in a highly urban area, so you know, there's only so much you can do.

Anyway, the house directly behind us in the alley gets tagged all the time, a simple black tag that I can never read. And some kind neighbor will clean it up. But this morning THIS appeared. Wow. Now this wasn't your everyday tag. This took some effort.

That garage is kind of badass now. I wonder if anyone will repaint it.

Estrogen, prolactin, progesterone...oh MY!

By geez, I think they got me.

It seems those little buggers have taken a nose dive right into the middle of my brain. They're making me feel a little bit nutso here. That must have been them when I came home bawling buckets because I got a ticket. They must be the reason I've been even more dingbatty than usual. They're what's making me frumpy and tired. They're making me irritable. They're turning me into little Nelly Nincompoop.

Long live the myth of men trying to understand what it is like to be a woman. Impossible task! They don't know what's it like to be going along in the world as your person, lah-di-dah, and then one day your brain gets hijacked with these little tiny molecules and then you are not the same. You lose control. You have NO FREAKING idea why you feel like you do, why you want to scream at someone, why commercials make you cry, why you want to go to bed at 8pm every night. Only that you do. You must.

How smart Mike was to go out with his friends this evening because queen sobby over here went and watched Love Actually. And then Sex in the City. And then I looked at a bunch of baby pictures on the internet and read all kinds of young mom posts and had the crazy epiphany that "Oh my God, I'm really having a WHAT? A BABY?".

I'm going to be a mom????!!!!

I need a tissue. And maybe some chocolate.

Ok, he got me.

My grandmother is so super cool; I just couldn't love her more. I've noticed that in her older years she has this new habit to giving away things that belong to her when you visit. Which I have to admit I love; she's got the best relics. Last time I visited her she sent me home with this, because she was convinced Mike would like it.

It's a head figurine that she got in Alaska decades ago and I remember it always being on her walls as a child. I'm not sure why she thought Mike would like it but he does, though we've not really found a home for it yet.

Anyway, this isn't such an exciting story really.

But imagine it's getting late. You're tired. Time for bed you guess. Get on those pajamas. Start to shut down. Gotta brush those teeth. Open up the medicine cabinet to get your toothbrush, and...

OMG!
He's such a little shit.

The book fairy came this weekend!!

Well this weekend brought about one major accomplishment for me: I actually got into a book. I have like 10 books by my bed, from all different genres, and I read them for a day or two, get bored, pick up another one, maybe revisit the old one. There's no committment. And I really wanted commitment. I wanted to feel utterly in love with a book. I wanted to crave it first thing in the morning and hardly be able to tear myself away from it for the entire day.

Since I'm a sucker for love stories I picked up "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriela Garcia Marquez, only I picked it up like 2 months ago. And it took me almost 2 months to get through the first 50 pages. (see?) But I told myself there has GOT to be potential in this book, I mean look at the title! And I think they just made a movie out of it. So I dragged my tired pregnant body to 24 hour fitness saturday morning, plopped myself in one of those recumbent bikes that looks as though one could actually take a nap in it, got out my book, and before I knew it I had biked for an hour! Woah! What just happened here? Did I get bitten by the book fairy?

Yes it appears I have because, though it's not the infatuating love I had craved, it's a good steady love that kept me coming back for more all weekend long. So, given my new love affair with my book and a pretty gorgeous weekend, here's my summary of this weekend, 2008.

- Getting into a book, a Venezualan dinner party, massive amounts of time in the mirror admiring my growing belly, awesome homemade chili by Mike, a 20 mile urban road ride, catching up on Heroes via the internet, a trip to the asian market, eating an entire watermelon by myself (not uncommon), and dinner at La Fondue!

Fun with holiday photos

I used to watch my friend Darci's kids, Olivia and Austin. They were so adorable and I really just love those little munchkins to pieces! I just stumbled upon these photos from last year and they make me laugh. This is me trying to get creative for a potential christmas pic. Poor little unsuspecting shepard children. They were such good sports!

Say hello to the little baby Jesus, kids!

This weekend

Shepard's pie, sleeping in, our two year anniversary, a fancy dinner on the town, cleaning cleaning cleaning, a good cry at home with a sad movie, actually going to the movies, a nice hike, playing the guitar, domestic massages, fresh baked chocolate chip and butterscotch cookies, and having a sassy old Jewish friend over for dinner.

November 7 will always hold this.

Love. It finds us and takes hold. It makes impressions that are deep, that become a part of your very person. And at some point everything must go, and you are left wide open and exposed. Holes get filled in with grief. Grief slowly changes. Eventually it becomes something more tolerable, then becomes something you can live with.

Then, one day, it becomes gratitude.

These past four years without you have been a journey, and I've become a different person because of it.

Today I walk with gratitude,
for you will always be a shining star in my sky.

Yup, I'm still pregnant.

This is a good thing. When I look back I can't believe I let the cat out of the bag so early. ( a true testament to my completely impatient nature). But soon we'll be at 12 weeks, which is 3 months for any of those who are bad at math, which technically isn't the end of the first trimester yet but it's still a milestone. And for an impatient gal like me, milestones are all I have to look forward to,

because 40 weeks is one helluva long time.

In any case, my body is changing I tell ya! I officially can no longer suck in my belly. That little puddy part just won't stick itself back in! This is clearly something I must get used to because it's only going outward from here! And my boobs feel like they've grown hundreds of new nerve endings. And I have pretty nails!

Honest disclaimer: I'm scared about getting fat and ugly. There. I said it. I was fat once, for a short time in college and I was really unhappy about it. I hated going out and my self-esteem plummeted. Then I discovered the power of exercise and I was a changed woman, never returning to my old marshmallow face again. Now it's just a part of my lifestyle.

Then comes pregnancy where you can NOT diet. Fine, I can live with that. But it's the exercise that gets to me. I'm a pretty fit person and exercise is a daily routine for me. Now I find myself getting POOPED with any extended amounts of activity. Running has turned to walking. Going to the gym has turned to one more run on the snooze alarm. And it gets me down, because I really don't want to let myself go because I'm now a baby maker. So I'm trying to rally, and trying to be gentle with myself and my neuroses, and hopefully that fine balance will appear. And hopefully my energy level will pick up a bit, too.

We as woman do a LOT in this whole recreationism thing. This is no small feat.

rant for the day. Have a great tomorrow!

Happy Halloween!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween. Welcome to November!!

South Dakota...who'd of thunk it?

South Dakota is a flat, flat place. And windy as all hell. Like really, incredibly windy. And did I mention flat? It's pretty flat.

That is until you get to the Badlands, which sort of pop out of no where and look all freaky and spire like in the horizon. We got there right at sunset and it was so pretty that we acted like little children playing at a brand new playground. It was so much fun.

Mt. Rushmore was pretty cool, too. But you already knew that.

Please pardon the drool but there's a box in the backseat!

Mike and I went to a wedding in Minnesota this weekend. And what exactly does Minnesota have that Denver does not? Ikea, of course. So we beelined it there, bought the most perfect and beautiful wardrobe for our bedroom. Which ended up being the size of the entire car we rented. Which meant that one of us was relegated to the back for the rest of our trip. Here's a common scene. Remember, I'm pregnant. And therefore very sleepy. ALL the time.

We stole away...

Far away. And the trip involves a rental car, a wedding, a trip to IKEA and lots of trees. I'll post more on Monday. Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

distance

Sometimes I open up a new post with no idea of what I'm going to write. This little story sort of fell out. I'm really not sure why. --Summer
________________________________________________

He walked to the edge of the lake, shoes off but
too cold to dip in. She sat in the car and waited.

They used to come here long ago, back when
there was never a reason, before the kids,
before the white hairs.
She watched him, toes playing in the sand.
She remembered a more youthful him yelling as he ran in top
speed, "Today I'm a fish and you can't catch me!"
She was always laughing. She used to watch him as he
adoringly gazed at her long dark hair,
glowing in the slanted afternoon light. Slanted
afternoons meandering into passionate evening kisses.

She honked the horn to get his attention,
immediately regretting so once she did.
He slowly put his shoes back on, returned to the car
and the two of them drove home in silence.

you know I just love him

Tonight I felt like my head was going to split in two. I was nauseous and vomitous, my muscles ached, and I felt more than just sick from being pregnant. I just felt sick. When I was a kid and I used to get sick there was only one thing I ever wanted: strawberry ice cream. I don't know why. I don't ever eat it unless I'm sick. But tonight the only thing that sounded really good was strawberry ice cream. So, unasked, he puts on his shoes though it's dark and rainy, and heads to the store. And he comes back with this.

He's a keeper I tell ya.

ch-ch-ch-Changes!

So I went out and got me a new job! Actually I've been in the interviewing process for over a month but I'm happy to say that as of friday, I am officially a nurse with the Denver Hospice. I know, what a change! ICU nursing to hospice? It's almost totally opposite ends of the spectrum. I feel a little awkward about leaving my ICU job, there are many people that I will miss. But you know what I will NOT miss?? Working nights! Oh my goodness, to rise with sun is heavenly to me. A zombie I will be no longer.

This job brings such sharp contrast to my life. I will be with people as they enter their final phase of life, and I'm caring a tiny little babe inside of me that will get brand new life. It's amazing. And I'm completely honored to be involved in both phases. Death reminds me of birth. It's one of the significant events that we must all face. To be with someone, holding their hand, offering to listen, this is what I call offering something to the world. And I want to feel that as a nurse.

It's alive!

Today we saw little cashew's heartbeat for the first time! Holy Toledo, this was so very, very cool to see. Being pregnant can seem so...esoteric. Supposedly there's a baby growing in you. You have all the symptoms, but you can't feel it, can't touch it, can't see it. It's wierd. So to actually have a visual was amazing, like really amazing.

I just hope that he/she stays put. Please don't go trying to leave, little cashew-ey, until your 9 months is up. We want you to grow up big and strong.

OK I just want to say this to any readers that may or may not be following this blog. This is NOT turning into a pregnancy blog. This is just a very new phenomena and these first few stages are sort of critical, ya know. But I'm not going to go through every single new development because frankly, that's boring unless you're me or Mike. I know this. I promise to still have interesting things to write about, or at least boring things that aren't pregnancy related. But I'm sure the baby stuff will sneak in, too every now and again. After all, I do have a HUMAN GROWING IN SIDE ME!

Wierd!!!

on top of the world

There are some times in my life where I stop myself in my tracks and say "Summer, you are truly happy right now." Right now I am feeling this. I absolutely adore being pregnant. I even kind of like getting morning sickness, just for the reminder of what's going on in my body.
And I couldn't appreciate Mike any more than I do right now. He is so wonderful and supportive and it lifts me up when I see him get so excited about our baby. It still feels wierd to write those words, "our baby". Really it's just a cashew sized thing right now. But it's our cashew and it's going to grow up to be one hell of a nut with the two of us for parents. And I think that's great. I really do.

I've been nervous about running. I've only run a few times since I found out I was pregnant and I really just don't think it's worth the fear. So I've taken up walking. Power walking. And maybe I don't get the cardio burn that I usually do with running, but I really like walking. The weather has cooled down quite a bit, so I bundle up, put on my ipod, grab Jackie Brown, and walk around Denver with the coolest high that I've ever had. I love my urban adventures and I look forward to them everyday. Needless to say, I'm not doing the Denver Marathon as I had previously blogged about before (and already paid for). I don't think little cashew-y could handle that at this point. Nor could mama cashew for that matter.

Time to let the cat out of the bag.

I can't stand it anymore. I am so bad at keeping secrets and my whole life is totally changed, so why not tell it to the world? Folks, I'm pregnant!

It's still early (8 weeks) and I know the first trimester is a very crucial time. Things could go wrong. They often do. (I'm reminded of a fellow blogger's confession during anatomy class that she was pregnant. And how she lost it. Happy ending though because she now has gorgeous twin girls.)

But with this life changing event consuming so many of my thoughts and actions, it's hard to find other things to blog about. Not that you need to know about the massive bouts of nausea and vomiting, or how I think I can feel my boobs actively growing, or about how I haven't had a real good poop in over a week. But you know, at least now the forum is open.

Plus should anything happen, anything bad, I'd want to write about that, too. So there it is.

In any case, please say prayers for our little bean inside of me. I've always wanted to be a mother and even though he/she is so small, I already love it so much.

I'm a zombie, and it ain't cuz it's Halloween.

It's because I work the night shift. I'm exhausted, can't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time, yet my waking hours are a blur. I could just sit here on the couch all day and not even notice. It usually takes 2 days to recover. Then it's back to work. Ugh.

I don't like this.

So I know this is not a happy post. But I'm grumbly. And looking for a change. Unbalanced Summer = not a happy girl.

But there's this other thing. A good thing. Which I will tell you about soon.

It's the weekend!

Have a great weekend everyone. I'm still in Maine and happy to say it is still wonderful. Talk to you soon!