March 2012 in review

via (mostly) cell phone pics...

The day she won't get into the Ergo Baby will be a sad day indeed. Best investment ever! 

Mystery solved...it was Candice! Oh how I love my neighbors....

Cruisin round the hood.

Running to meet Daddy as he gets home from work.

Getting smothered in kisses and loving every second of it!

Bubbles!

There's a handful of neighborly love right there.

Feed Denver InPower Festival

at the zoo

cupcake happy hour date with my favorite girl

He treats us good.

Bedtime routine

Pretending to be "a present"

Too cool for school.

Princess Ellie

It's a princess parade!

She wants to hike on her own now.

It makes for really long hikes. (but that's ok)

Love.

Another hike. At least she let me carry her on my back for nearly all of the uphill.

This is what makes hiking fun for a 2 year old. Stop, drop, and draw!

Nursing school reunion and baby shower to my sweet tall Jenn.

Mt Sanitas in Boulder

St Patty's Day!

Anniversary dinner at Bistro Vendome. Where everything tastes like butter.

A first of the month photo. 84 degrees on March 31. It's so wonky here!

Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura

When your child becomes sick it's like someone slams the breaks on your life. Your "normal" life comes to a screeching halt. The things that were so important yesterday quickly dissolve into the heroics of what you must do as a parent. When your kid is sick, parenting trumps everything else.

It was Tuesday night when Mike said "what is that thing on Ellie's hip?". At first I thought it was a sticker, or a large flattened raisin. As we both realized it was a nasty, ugly bruise we crowded around her. She said she didn't know how she got it. She said it didn't hurt. The thing was nasty and raised, and yet painless? I called my friend/neighbor Betsy to come over and look at it. She confirmed it was nasty. Shocking really, that color hue is not what you want to see on your child. So I called the afterhours pediatrician to discuss it, apologetically leading in with "yes I'm a nurse and I'm calling to report a bruise". The triage nurse was great and told me to let her sleep since she was comfortable and take her in to the office in the morning.

But see it wasn't just the one nasty bruise. She had bruises all up and down her legs. I had dismissed these to normal toddler clumsiness. But that bruise? A bruise like that does not just "appear". 

1030 the next day I had pulled Ellie out of school. We sat in the pediatrician's office for an excrutiatingly long time. I watched as the pediatrician pointed out all the petechiae (small, pinpoint bruises) on Ellie's body, her eyebrow furrowed. She was concentrated in her examination. She used the words idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. She used the words auto immune. She used the word leukemia. 

The word leukemia made the room spin. It made me feel breathless with fear. Not my daughter. Please, not my daughter. I watched her, my light. I held her down while two nurses drew blood from her arm. I watched her scream "Mommy it hurts!" when they were filling up their tubes. My heart was aching. I wanted to curl up with her in a ball and cry the fears out. But I didn't. I kept my brave mommy face on for her. And soon she was happy again, fixated on her new sticker she got at the doctor's office. And me, after dropping her back off at school and letting the tears get out of my eyes like they so wanted to do, I found myself reciting a new mantra "I have a healthy child. I have a healthy child. I have a healthy child." More than reciting it, I was begging for it. 

A normal platelet count is 150,000-450,000. I learned later that day that Ellie's was 18,000. Critical. The pediatrician explained that it was likely ITP: idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (which I soon became an expert on courtesy of the internet) but we would need to see the hematologist to get more definitive answers. So the next day we are at it again, only this time we are at the Rocky Mountain Children's Center hematology/oncology suite. I packed us up for the day as we were told it was extremely possible they would admit her for antibody transfusion. I sat crossed legged in the middle of the suite playing with Ellie, trying to focus on what we were doing and not the bald, sick looking children that came in and out of there. My heart pounded. "I have a healthy child. I have a healthy child.I have a healthy child." 

Ellie was diagnosed with ITP and more importantly, she does NOT HAVE CANCER. Her platelets on Wednesday were 24,000: still critical, but increasing. The hematologist, Julie, was so awesome in her explanation of the disorder and the various treatment plans. In the end we did nothing except pull Ellie out of school as the risk was too big for a fall.  She will need to continue to have blood drawn every few days (though now just fingersticks thank God)  until her count is to 150,000 (normal). Until then we have to avoid playgrounds, swings, anything you can fall from basically. Julie recommended a helmet.  

My poor baby is so riddled with bruises right now. Her right antecubital (inner elbow joint) is deep purple from the blood draw. She has pronounced petechiae all over her body. Today she tripped over her own feet while walking, fell on her face, and now looks like she drank grape juice only it's bruise. Her back has bruises. Her tushy has bruises. Yet she feels and acts completely fine, totally oblivious to what all the fuss is about.

In the meantime, life is still at the sick-child-screeching-halt phase, but that's okay. Our daughter is okay. We just need to be vigilant in watching her activities in the next few weeks until hopefully everything resolves itself. I'm told that this may never happen again; it may be a weird toddler virus sensitivity fluke or maybe it will be a chronic problem. Time will tell us what the plan is for Ellie and this blood disorder. 

All I know is that it scared the bejesus out of me.

  

This is our village.

Being a person that has spent her entire life moving around, whether state to state, city to city or house to house, I have found myself here in Denver for over 6 years now. And yes a good majority of that time I was feeding a small pursuit in my brain to leave, ready to go explore greener pastures. But I haven't left. I declared I was moving back to Maine, and then...it fizzled. I declared I was moving back to California, and then....it fizzled. When push came to shove there was always an excuse. And when push came to real shove, I had to admit that I just didn't want to go. I've realized that in all of this time staying in one place, I've grown some roots. I fell in love with my husband here. I gave birth to my daughter here. I became a nurse here and I've been working in the community for several years here. I was married here and I have had a whole dance card full of the most amazing day trips that a little mountain loving heart could ask for.

Somehow, and rather unintentionally, Denver became my home. And now the thought of leaving it makes my heart hurt.

We are blessed with the most awesome community. We live on a normal, unassuming urban block just 2 miles from downtown, yet over the past few years this block and about a one mile radius around it has turned into our village. Our friends. Ellie's school. The park where we run, where Ellie plays. Around us are the people we go to in need. The ones that are there to make you a meal when you're in a crisis. The ones that will watch your kid(s) when you have an emergency. Holders of your house keys. Watchers of your animals. Role models to your child(ren). Playmates. A walk around the block can take you over an hour with detoured conversations. On the sunny days spontaneous parties erupt frequently on front porches.

This is the kind of thing that you don't just move and enter into. It takes time and energy and trust and friendliness. And we have that. I don't have any blood family here but I never feel like I'm out here winging it alone with my husband. Never. Not with these friends around.

We've been passively house hunting. Though we love our home it is unabashedly small. We knew we could do it through the toddler years, but beyond that there's just no way. (My daughter's room is a renovated broom closet...for realsies, which means her STUFF is in the rest of the house! Have a seat on our couch which you'll find next to the play kitchen...) And should the gods of fertility choose to spread their baby dust our way then we will surely be adding even more to the garage where our "forever home" furniture has been collecting dust.

This need to move is something that I find somewhat ironic, now that I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. But life is ironic, and this realization that has been slowly growing like vines along my person has taught me this: being content is really not so hard.

I have no doubt we will be putting off this house hunting business until someone comes and gives us a hard, the-time-is-now kind of shove. And maybe some day we will have to broaden our prospects beyond this one, particularly awesome neighborhood (oh I hope not). But for me the lesson that I have learned, or rather the thing that I am now able to say with total confidence, is that I don't want to go anywhere. We have found our village.

No man is an island.

I have an aspect of my being that can make me feel a little crazy. Crazy, like there is something that i need to do. Crazy, like there is something missing. Crazy, like I'm spending my time dedicated to the base nature of my routines, getting comfortable, getting nice things, devoting my energies to things that all go away.

This is a really hard thing to describe. Really hard. I feel like I have a deep affliction but it is so hard to find it. I feel like my spiritual body is crying out for something, but for what, I don't know. This is the answer that I seek.

This is going to sound so strange, and again, hard to describe. Since my early 20's I've had this reoccurring vision. It's a vision of me, walking on a road. There is bright yellow light shining on me. But I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by so many people. We are all walking in the same direction. We are all bathed in yellow light. We are all working together. In this vision, I am a part of whole.

There was a lot of controversy when the Kony 2012 video came out, a lot of naysayers. And whatever, you can be what you want. But that video stirred something up inside of me. It made me want to do something. Be a part of something. It brought up a lot of forgotten emotion about Sept 11. I've had several recent dreams about the WTC bombings. Stirring dreams that left me confused when I would awaken.

Africa, 9-11, what do these things have in common with each other? They are times in life, in humanity, where people get together for a cause. A time where you can experience the awesome magnitude of what can happen when you feel solidarity with your fellow man. Solidarity in grief, in wanting to be better, in fighting for a cause, whatever the solidarity is, it feels like belonging. It feels like you can accomplish anything in solidarity.

We need each other. We, as humans, need each other so badly. I think about my job, and why it is that I do what I do. And then I think about the times when I'm sitting with someone's grief, with someone's loss, with someone that is dying, and I get to connect. Do you see what I mean? When I am with a patient and I am empathizing with their grief, their process, there is this feeling of losing yourself. This feeling of leaving your baggage at the door, so you can honor someone with the beautiful gift of undivided attention. I learn about people. I see them without judgement. These are people that have lived an entire life and now they are dying. And it's powerful. And it's heartbreaking sometimes. Yet this is where I am, this is what I offer, and I know that in those powerful moments of connection, that is where I'm fed. Where my spiritual body gets nourished.

I love the Kony 2012 video, because it stirs things up. It's an attempt to get people to unite. And I believe in my heart that we all want to be a part of something. We all want to feel the connection to other people. Yet complacency, to me it is the worst feeling and yet one that I am guilty of over and over again. This is when I go back to the first paragraph. This is where I feel the affliction. Sometimes  I  get a taste of clarity, a moment where I'm reminded of my vision in yellow light. But it usually doesn't last long. It becomes easily muted in practical matters of daily living.

I just let out the hugest sigh. I had no idea where I was going when I started writing this post, only that my mind was spinning and my heart was aching. Aching with the affliction.

We need each other. We are humans and we need to find connection. We are gorgeous spiritual beings and we are humans rooted in base desires. My struggle is in finding this balance. And my struggle is in finding my voice.

So I will keep practicing. Writing. Talking. Listening.

No man is an island. And love is bright yellow.

Advice to pass down to my daughter.

To my darling Eleanor,
Below are a few of the pearls of wisdom that I have learned in my 34 years on this Earth. One never knows what will happen in life, so I want to make sure that there is a record of this somewhere.

• Travel. See different cultures. See the way other people do things. Getting out of your comfort zone is where you will learn the most about who it is that you are. 
• Be nice to people. Don't say bad things about people...ever, not even to be funny. It's never funny. Being nice to others will help you be nice to yourself. And that's one of the deepest wishes of my soul: that you will be nice to yourself and truly love yourself. 
• Everyone has a side of the story. When you put an object in the middle of a room people will see it from all sorts of angles, and they will all be right. Apply this to life and go into every situation knowing that there is always another side that you do not see.
• If life starts to feel "stale", get out of town.  Sometimes just a little weekend jaunt is the perfect refreshment from a dirty house and an endless list of to-do items.
• Exercise often. This will help you feel balanced on so many levels. And be conscientious of your motives. Don't exercise to lose weight, exercise to be healthy. There's a difference. It's the motive that will keep you going for the long run. 
• You can not "own" beautiful moments. Maybe you brought a camera or a camcorder, great. Maybe you heard a beautiful song and you want to learn it, cool. But when things get really special, and really beautiful, step away from the the need to "own" that moment. You can make life, and art, so much more awesome if you give it your beautiful, undivided attention.
• Play music loud and dance often. Right now you are nearly 3 and we get down and boogie! I hope you always have a soft spot in your heart for Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" because let this be proof to the world, you can really shake your tail to that tune!
• No matter your religious affiliation, know that there is power in prayer. There is power in people directing their energy together. Beautiful things can happen. 
• Don't forget to clean the hairy parts behind the toilet. Just use a piece of toilet paper to start picking up the dustballs. It's kind of gross back there but do this every week at least. You do NOT want to be known for your furry toilet.
• Do not use soap on your face. Use a gentle face wash or just water or oil and a wash cloth. And find a good moisturizer and apply it daily. 
• If you are still living in Colorado, sleep with a humidifier in the room. The dry Colorado air ages people by at least 5 years faster, of this I'm sure. Healthy skin needs moisture. 
• I hope you find a beautiful loving partner, but always make time for your friends. I believe that friendships will help hold you up when you need it the most.
• If you start to feel overwhelmed at life, start cleaning. A clean house is a great start to help clean out the gutters of your brain. 
• Always have something that smells nice, whether candles or essential oils or incense. I hope you have learned this trick well from your mommy, because I firmly believe that a good smelling house is essential for setting the mood. 
• Stay as far away as possible from milk or meat that has been treated with hormones. Buy organic if possible and if you don't buy organic fruits and veggies, wash them well. Pesticides are poisons.
• Everything has an opposite. You can not know one without the other. You can not know light if you've never seen dark. Know that life is like this. It sometimes feels good and sometimes it feels bad. It's all an experience. Let yourself feel grief and despair. Those feelings go away but they carve out room in your beautiful, emotional self, to really feel love.
• Early mornings are powerful times to take care of yourself. Start out every day with something healthy. Enjoy moments of silence. Think about things that you are grateful for each and every day. 
• When you are spending your money, remember that it is experiences that are remembered far more often than things. 
• Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Even when my body has died I will be alive in the beautiful Earth that nurtures you. I'll find ways to show you, but you must keep an open mind. You must listen. 
• There is a book that I love to read to you called "The Listening Walk". Go for listening walks. Don't always need to fill spaces with sounds or with entertainment. Learn how to just "be" in nature. Listen. Feel. Keep your heart open and let nature amaze you. 
• Laugh often. Don't take yourself too seriously. Even the most intense feelings will subside, I promise.
• If you make a mistake, own it. Own it right away. It may be uncomfortable to do, but believe me, it's easier to own mistakes up front then to try to snake your way out of them. Just own it and know that you've learned a lesson. That's what we do in this life. 
• Try yoga. Yoga will make you want to be a better person.
• When you smile, smile on the inside. A truly heartfelt smile is contagious. You'll have no idea of the magnitude of it. 
• It always works out. It may be nowhere near like you planned, but trust me, it always works out. 
• I want you to know that I have seen you. I have seen you cry, throw tantrums, sing sweet songs, yell with glee. I see you with unconditional love. I've seen you, and my God, how beautiful you are. 
• Remember as you are out in the world that you are your own unique miracle. No one is YOU. Only YOU get to be that person. 

Go, and be magical. There is so much to do.

Ordinary is extraordinary.

This weekend was GREAT, because it was filled with so many things that were GOOD.

Toddler friendships are GOOD.

Goofing off with your daughter is GOOD.

Finding hiding spots from a bitter cold wind at the playground is GOOD.

Keeping a potty in your car is GOOD.

Learning to throw snowballs with your dad is GOOD.

Wearing pink sunglasses when it's sunny out is GOOD.

Being out in nature is GOOD

Finding a door in a tree is GOOD.

Hanging out with our neighbors on a 65 degree day in March is GOOD.

Getting out of the house to antagonize dogs and squirrels is GOOD.

Hot Buttered Rum String Band is GOOD.

Having a blast hanging out with your husband is GOOD.


I feel blessed when I can say "Today was a good day". And it was. The whole darn weekend was good, and simple, and things that are ordinary were extraordinary. And I like that. Ordinary IS extraordinary...when you just let it be.

Fashion friday, a wondrous place for you and me...

I could show you the world, 

shining, shimmering splendid....

It seems I'm unable to drum up anything much at all while I'm sitting here watching Aladdin. Or, maybe I just don't wanna. 

Fashion friday....

Dress: Kissykissy
Hat: Zulily
Jeans: Gap
Purse: Hand me down

Fashion friday, according to Ellie

I just picked Ellie up from school and apparently the newest and greatest fashion craze is to wear your jacket....backwards. Yes, backwards. And Ellie, being my little fashionista was out there in her blaze of glory, red jacket on backwards, conspiring with her fellow backward jacket playmates. Oh kids...You are too cool.

What ever happened to Fashion Friday?

Three words: Mommy got lazy.

But we're back and mommy's not feeling so lazy. In fact, mommy is feeling pretty good. In pondering upon my feeling-good-ness I started thinking of all the very ordinary and extraordinary things that life is sending us these days.

A new (old) job on Monday where I'm returning to a team of people that I have so much respect and admiration for.
Some really swell friends, both my size and Ellie's size
Neighbors, really freaking awesome neighbors/friends
Blue Moons
Weekly trips to the library
Our 6pm ritual of playing Jeopardy
Some quiet moments
Friday night Thai takeout
Ellie's first "job": to bring in the paper every day
A husband that I can always count on
And the topper to every list is my sweet little bundle of 2 year old love. She is funny, empathetic, playful, smart and more and more creative. I do love that sweet child of mine.

Happy weekend to you!

Leggings and shirt: Gymboree
Dress: Gap (acquired from thrift store)
Shoes: Osh Kosh
Glasses: Dollar store
Necklace: gift from one of Ellie's friends

It's thursday night, time for mommy's special time!

Today was one of those days that I just wanted soooooo baddddddly to have a moment to myself. Ellie was sick, and the snot was running big time, and we were up at 2am making hot tea and forced sinus rinses wide eyed, me trying to convince Ellie that the world is sleeping at 3am and she should be too. And she still is up at 645 with "Mommy, it's light out now. Time to wake up! Can I have a cough drop now?" (Yes I introduced cough drops last night as I was freaking desperate and now the furniture is all sticky with toddler hand to mouth cough drop usage because she can't wrap her head around the fact that you JUST SUCK IT. It's not a toy to rub all over your hands.)

Poor kid was covered in runny snot all day, eyes puffy, and to make the scene more let's-stay-indoors-all-day-guilt-free was the fresh blanket of 6 inches of snow that I had no idea was coming. Today I was hoping for quiet book reading and Disney movies but a little snot does not stop a 2 year old from her awesome magnitude for fun making, in fact, it makes it worse as each idea that enters her thoughts must be executed right then and there in the exact form and function in which she has pictured it in her little 2 year old brain. If she wants her tent she wants it NOW and with perfect pillow placement and if the pillows somehow get involved with the door hatch and it doesn't close all the way then mommy can and will sit through the ensuing tantrum and abandon all efforts of reasoning. You pick your battles in life, and today I didn't have it in me to patiently explain the reason that lemonade poured in one glass tastes exactly the same if it's in another glass, among other reason-free arguments that were avoided systematically throughout the course of this very long day.

Today we never made it outside. When Mike came home I felt like a zombie stepford robot wife with a monotone "How-was-your-day-supper-will-be-ready-soon" robot voice. Grateful that Ellie had another being to beg the attention of. "Daddy watch me!" as she does some ridiculously simple thing like put her arm over her head. "Mommy watch me!", she drinks from her cup. "Daddy watch me", she twirls. "Mommy watch me", she puts her finger on her nose. Or wait, her newest one is she'll moon me. Which I admit does crack me up but I don't want to encourage that behavior; I do my best to stifle my laughter and educate her on how that's inappropriate; I really don't want to get THAT call from her preschool. But she knows I think it's funny. She ain't no fool.

But it's Thursday night now and as any friend of mine knows Thursday is when Mike plays trivia and I get to enjoy the sweet, sweet, SA-WEET sound of silence. I get to read a book, write a blog post, watch adult programming like Parks and Rec and let the loud whiny sounds of Caillou and his fake 4 year old laughter fade away into the night. If I was a drinker I'd probably have a glass or 4 of wine. But lately one poured glass of wine for me turns into vinegar, abandoned in the reckless joy of all of the things that I am able to do without a child trying to sit on my lap or beg for my attention.

Ah Thursday night, you sweet little carrot. I just love you so.

(Which is ironic because [major side note] I have a huge pet peeve about people professing love or writing letters to inanimate objects. Dear snow, I didn't know you were coming today. Dear traffic, please don't be too bad. Dear week, TGIF. Ah, it kills me! And yet, I romanticized sweet little nothings to my dear little Thursday night. )

I'm such a hypocrite. Dear Thursday, don't hate.

I never saw a mountain that did not give me pause

I never saw a mountain that did not give me pause.

I'm a humble servant bowing to a king.

Delicate mountain flower, climbing through the rocks,
growing to become beautiful. Inspiring others,
the flowers around him, the animals that pass by.

Small, unique life,

a piece of a mountain, 

a piece of a landscape, 

a piece of a heartsong.

Earth, its dynamic life force,

only moving forward through each wise cycle.

Summer, the tall, firey beauty

Fall, the elegant elder

Winter, the strong dark giving way to fallen petals and seed.

Spring, the young ones

the young ones who make their way up to the sun,

to shine their glorious faces,

to experience their own life.

Sunandrainandwindandpeopleandandstruggle

They live. They die.

And the rain, it comes, and it cleanses our hearts

And it pours from our eyes

And it enters our bodies.

and we touch each other

sharing in the heartsong of each glorious flower,

grieving when the beautiful songs we are used to hearing

succumb to winter.

And when the strong hand of grief

let's loose its grip on our heart

we are free to keep listening, 

free to sing from our own hearts the heartsongs we remember so well.

Mountains are songs,

waiting to be sung

born from songs we never forget.

--Summer Nicklasson 2/20/12

What is my life's purpose?

I just googled that.

One of my findings was to do an exercise where you write all of your ideas for what your life's purpose is. Just free write. When you get to the one that makes you cry then you found it.

To be a mom.
To be a hospice nurse.
To help people die.
To educate people
To be a nurse educator
To care for dying people.
To help people feel better.
To be an oncology nurse.
To master finance (?)
To be a mom.
To be an awesome mom.
To be a writer.

To be a writer.

To be a writer.

*sniff*
Ok, I didn't cry. But everything sort of slowed down and morphed into this weird feeling of clarity.

I wrote it again: To be a writer.

I liked the way it sounded. I liked the way my fingers felt as I typed it.

So there it is, right? I found my life's purpose!!! Hahahaha, I wish it were so simple. I wish I had a novel in me that I could just tuck away into a cabin and emerge one month later victoriously with my completed, highly accoladed novel.

Instead I re-contemplated going back for my nurse practitioner degree.
Oh, and I got a job today, well, I was re-hired by the hospice that I first started with (and left it fo da money yo).

I'm excited about my job. About the people I'll be working with (love them so), about my territory. Still a hospice nurse, but with a much better company. It ain't about the money, I just learned this lesson the hard, punch-you-in-the-face kind of way.

So that's good. New job, only four days a week. I don't start until the 27th so I'm kind a just kickin it.

Kinda trying to figure some stuff out.

Trying to figure out where I want to grow as a person. What I want to be in the world. What makes me happy. My God, WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?

Obviously Ellie. Duh.
Being a part of that very poignant experience of someone's last days makes me happy. But it's not joy.

What gives me joy?
This blog. Letting words spill from my mouth onto this blank slate. Creating. Discovering. Trying to be better. A better person, a better writer.

This blog has kept me from going off the deep end. It helps neutralize sticky situations. And see, IT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY.

What is my life's purpose?
Well, being a good mom is numero uno.
But one level down from that?
Words. Maybe my life's purpose is words. Maybe it isn't.

But that's the closest I came to crying.

Now I need a cabin.

Getting my knit on

Ok so after a full year hiatus of picking up my knitting needles, I. AM. BACK. Honestly I was doubting if I'd even remember how to cast on. Turns out, it's like riding a bike. 

I just finished this little sweater/dress for Ellie. It's a size too big but at the rate she's growing I don't reckon that will be a problem soon. Pattern here.

See this flashlight? Goes with her EVERYWHERE! Especially the bathroom where she insists on sitting on the toilet with no lights on. And at night. And all day long. 

What is love on this Valentine's Day (and every day)? *** with an epilogue

It's Valentines Day. A hallmark day created for love. So what is love?

For me, It's a fullness in my heart. A smile that forms on the inside.
It's a feeling of wanting to take care of someone, or help them take care of them self.
Compassion.
True love is selfless, it's an aura that envelopes your being
I believe that love is a place where you transcend.
It's where you become the world, feeling the world, loving the world.
outside of your box of "this is me". Outside of jealousy and pain.
Outside of wanting to contain it, outside of wanting to run from it.
In stillness, in compassion, in random acts of kindness you see it,
this ethereal love,
this love that knows no name other than love.
And when you feel it, when you really feel it,
your heart will swell, and peace will overcome you.

My God, it's so beautiful.

I've learned a lot about love in this life. I've learned about the pain from attachment to people,
the pain from jealousy, the pain from expectations, the pain from trying to contain something that is already free and floating all around us. This is what we do and I wouldn't say that it's bad. We want to feel good, trying to hold on, trying to make sense of things that sometimes are just so simple we can't understand them.

I try to remember that love is pure, easily accessed, and when I stop trying to control it, it lifts me up to the top of gorgeousness.

I do my best, anyway. I've no where near mastered it.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Peace to all.


****Right after posting this I discovered that a very kind and beautiful man that I have met several times in Telluride has died in an avalanche. I looked at this picture that I had taken of him and his son and I sobbed. Deeply, truly sobbed. And I thought, how cruel life can be to take this father away from his son, away from his wife.

I find it ironic that I just wrote this post on love. How I let myself feel it, that transcendent love.

And I realize, so poignantly, that to love, as a human, is to suffer.
We love and we are vulnerable. Pieces of our hearts connected to others. How do you not form attachment to the people that you love? Maybe the most evolved Buddhists can do this. But I can not. Nor do I want to live in a state of non-attachment. So love, this beautiful, grand gesture, this gorgeous light that fills your being, it has a shadow side, too. People that we love leave us. And we suffer. To know love is to know suffering.

But still we do it. We love. We put our hearts outside of our bodies, connect them to people, to the world, to the pain of the world.

I'll miss this very kind man. I mourn that his son will not grow up with his very cool dad, Nate. Please say prayers for his wife and son.

And send love.

This is true love.

When the Universe listens

I experienced something at work recently, something that I don't care to elaborate on, but I will just tell you that I am not working there anymore. I'm home. I'm job hunting. I'm doing yoga. I'm knitting sweaters. I'm cross country skiing, I'm playing so much guitar. I'm playing with my daughter. I made arrangements with her school for her to only go 3 days a week now. We go to the library. We make valentines. We make huge awful messes. I clean the house. I still don't cook, well anyway.

Sometimes things come your way, maybe not in the way that you intended, but they come because there was a part of you that was asking for it to come. It's no secret that I was unhappy in my job and that I was not balanced,. Right now I'm getting that balance back. I feel like me. I feel....happy. I really do.

I'm job hunting right now and I've gone on several interviews. It is likely that I will stay in hospice because well, it's what I know, it's what I'm good at, and I have experience and my hospice and palliative care certification. BUT, I will not work with a company that will not work with me. I can't handle 5 long brutal days a week, not in this line of work, and I've found that there are companies out there that are willing to be creative in schedules. Companies that actually value you as a person and not just an employee.

That said, today is Wednesday. I dropped off my daughter, I went to yoga, I came home and fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours and then I got up, picked up, made a new playlist on spotify, sent out a resume, did a load of laundry. And MAN is that not awesome or what?

Anyway, here's to changes. Here's to your heart asking for things to happen and the Universe listening. I have faith in this Universe. I have faith in abundance. And I am so filled with gratitude for my beautiful life.