It happened.

I've really hoped I would never have to write these words, folks, but today it happened.

I saw a mouse, inside my house!!!

I HATE (underline, underline, BOLD) mice. They make my spine do this gyrating thing and I'm pretty sure they are the grossest creatures in the world. Well maybe except for bats, which are pretty ugly, but not as dirty as mice. I have this deeply ingrained detestment for the furry little rodents. I know not why, only that I do, and though I don't like to be a reactive sort of person, when I see a mouse, in my house, I freak out. Which I did, only inwardly because I was holding the baby, who I was trying to get to sleep.

Ok so that was 4 hours and ago, and, changing the subject, she just went down. I mean Oh. My. God child! We did everything under the sun and my boobs have essentially lost all feeling from nonstop nursing. She gets so close she's there. And then I ever so gently start to extrapolate myself, freezing in place if she starts to wake up a touch. If she's kind of limp and wet noodley then I oh so slowly lay her down. And then, magically, as soon as her head touches that crib mattress, "Waaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!". Shit. Start over. Times four hours.

Any way going back to the mouse thing. I don't know what we're going to do. We need to get mouse traps but what happens if it goes off and Mike is at work. No Way! I'm just so bummed that this has happened. I thought we had this nice little secure bungalow, free from disgusting critters but now my sense of security has been compromised. And if you are judging my seeming ridiculousness about this mouse fear then you truly have no idea what it's like to be grossed out this bad. I hate mice.
and truth be told, squirrels, because they look a little too much like mice, with furry tails.

Getting her feet wet

I'm writing this post melt down.
Even though something as simple as going to Babies R Us should be relatively easy, it's not. Well things were fine, it felt great to be out and about with my l'il one. Then factor in a car ride, quickly followed by Loud. Relentless. Screaming. I'm talking gulping wails, horse throat, thoughts that surely there is a large creature in the backseat munching on your baby. There isn't. But no matter how much you tell yourself she is fine, she just wants to be picked up, no matter how loud you turn on the radio, your own personal meltdown is almost assured. If you're a mom. Then factor in traffic, with death threats to anyone who tries to slow you down. DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A SCREAMING BABY IN THIS CAR???? People wonder why we don't enjoy mommy daughter jots around town more often.

Anyhoo, my little munchkin, despite her infrequent meltdowns (and my own) is a pure delight. Seeing her discover the world around her makes everything feel different for me. It's like the little details in life become shiny again, and you see them through the eyes of this new, tiny human. Though actually moving about in the world is not as easy as it once was, it's worth every ounce of effort. There is no greater happiness then watching her delight as she discovers herself and her surroundings. Being a mom is so very cool.

Wordless wednesday

Olivia and Austin. Their mom Darci is in the background. This picture is hilarious! It says so much!

She's growing up.

Little peanut girl.

Every day you become more sturdy,

less like the noodle I brought home,

more like the little girl you will one day be.

Sometimes I long for the days

that your legs will carry you

and you will discover the world with captive fascination.

But then you will not be my baby,

constantly needing to be held.

I want time to speed up

and slow down all at once.

I pray I never forget

how sweet your face is right now

when it catches my eyes and you open up

with your lopsided grin.

I hope never to forget

the sweet smell of your baby hair,

the smoothness of your skin

the sounds of your cooing, as you begin to discover

the voice that will soon sing its own song.

I pray I do not forget the way my heart feels

as you nestle in my bosom

and how everything became powerless

in the shadow of this immense

and beautiful love.

well that was fun

As you may have noticed, I've recently experimented with Google Adsense on my blog. I was leery for so long but thought, hey, maybe can I actually make a little money doing this blog thing that takes up so much of my time. I tried to ignore them the best I could, neatly stuck them on the side of my blog. But when one of the "random" ads was posted on my blog today for baby caskets (!) I thought "F That!" Not having any control who gets to appear on my blog just doesn't work for me.

So the blog is back to normal. Experiment over.

Television: hate to love it, love to hate it.

[At this particular moment] I hate the television. It's amazing how many channels of crap there are. When it's on pointlessly (read: nothing good on) I get this wierd feeling that it's filling me with all sorts of brainwashing hidden messages to go out and like buy Tide or worship the devil or something like that.

This of course doesn't apply when there's something on that I actually like. I'm very hypocritical this way.

I have this friend and her and her husband don't even own a t.v. Which is probably a little too far in the other direction for me. But we stopped by their house last night and I could see in their windows as we walked up their drive. There was J, sitting with his glasses on, reading in the soft light, and there was S, sweetly playing with the baby. Sigh. It looked like heaven. Sweet, comfortable, quiet heaven.

The concept of television brings up some debate. How do we want to raise Eleanor in relation to television? TV was a big part of my childhood. My world was largely molded by 80's pop culture; I would spend hours watching television every day. But tv is different now. I mean you can say bitch, ass and I think maybe even shit on regular tv now. I can just see Punky today telling Henry to shut the fuck up about her leg bandana or Natalie and Tuti calling Mrs. Garrett a bitch ho for making them room with Jo.

So what kind of example do we want to start setting?

My vote is this: To watch television mindfully. There are some awesome shows out there that are great fun to watch; I don't think we should stop all television watching fun for the sake of the youngin'. But when the show is over, turn off the tv. There has been so much wasted time flipping through channels, trying to find the best option in a sea of crap. I mean how many freaking episodes of Iron Chef can a person watch? But as easy as that sounds to do, I think Mike and I have both been mildly conditioned to think that tv = time to relax. Take away the tv and you have to actually entertain yourself! Gasp!

I actually really enjoy shared quiet times. I feel more creative, more comfortable, and more content in my home. So unless it happens to be time for The Office, Heroes, Ellen, Top Chef, True Blood, a Rockies game (for Mike), the morning news, or the occasional Sex and the City rerun, my vote is to keep that puppy off!

dinner and a movie

Well hey guys, guess what I'm doing tonight?
I'm going on a date!

It's about time we had a little one on one time, just the two of us. You know we're all shotgun married, baby comes and rocks our world and we're like hello? Who the hell are you?

I love him, I do. But I'll just say that we need this.

A friend of mine came over today, with her little 6 week old baby, and we caught up and talked about babies and gooed and gaa'ed over our little ones and in the back of my mind I'm thinking, man, who'd of thunk I'd be here, actually enjoying this. Life is funny. In a split second it completely changes and you're forced into a new way of being meanwhile perhaps standing with your mouth open saying "but, but, wait....". Being a parent is really nothing like I thought it'd be. Except that I knew that I'd love her. And I do. So stinkin much.

So the big decision of the night is "The Hangover" or "Julie/Julia". I'm pushing for Julia but we'll see.....

Top 10 ways you know motherhood has changed you

1. You accidentally talk to your adult friends in baby talk.
2. You become hypersensitive to the state of germs on people's hands
3. You told yourself while you were pregnant that you would NOT be one of those moms that bores people by talking about their baby all the time however you just happened to have given birth to the coolest baby ever.
4. You go to Kohl's and don't even look at the women's clothing. You head straight for the baby section.
5. You finally know what it feels like to max out your memory card on your camera.
6. You remain as unorganized as ever however your baby bag might as well be a catalogue piece for the Container Store.
7. Vacationing to Disneyland actually sounds pretty cool.
8. You think nothing of sticking your finger in your child's diaper to see if she pooped.
9. Days are measured not in hours, but in naps.
10. You discover your heart is capable of loving more than you ever imagined.

The beauty of multi-tasking

Having my little one has made me long for extra limbs. Baby's needing to be held All. The. Time. Which is generally fine because I love the stinker so much that I crave her when she's not with me. BUT, sometimes I have like, real life adult things I need to do, like eat, or put on mascara, or water the tomatoes, or (hush voice) go to the bathroom. You know.

Thank God for wraps, number one. My life would be relegated to a little pile on the couch without my Snugli and Moby wraps. But even with baby safely stowed kangaroo style, you have to learn to be a multi-tasker, a balancer, calm and collected and use more than just your two arms to get things done. Needless to say, new baby = new skill set.

Ellie went to her first Rockies game Saturday and though I was kind of a nervous Nelly because it's so stinkin loud, I just gave her a little set of "earmuffs" whenever things got out of hand sound wise and she did great. GREAT. Mike went out after the game and her and I headed home, and just as I predicted, melt down. I hate hate hate the sound of crying baby in the backseat of the car. You can't get to her, you can only listen and it downright sucks. STILL, I had the perfect vision for my night alone with baby and it entailed chick flicks and a big order of Pad Thai. So I hauled crying baby into Thai bistro, got home, settled her via boob and 45 minutes later wanted to enjoy my pad thai (I was so psyched for this). Of course it's cold, so I heat it up, mind you baby is still on boob, go to sit on couch but spill drink, then pad thai falls on ground, baby starts crying, and I'm close behind her. It was one of those mama moments. And yes, I ate the pad thai anyway damn it.

Go Rockies!

This is what happens when your husband goes baby clothes shopping without you.

Sigh.

Pipe dreams and booby hickies

I guess I'm going to bed at 8 now. I don't really want to. But even despite extreme exhaustion, calming bedtime rituals, hours of boob time, little Ellie refuses to sleep unless she has a parental unit within an arms reach. So we're chillin in bed, aka new office. Whatever.

So I started back to work, and though I was mildly freaked out at the concept, once I was there it felt GOOD. It felt like a novelty cruising around in my little car and being able to stop, run in and get something somewhere if I wanted to, you know, and not have to make it an hour long production. And fortunately I DID remember how to be a nurse, because there was a part of me that was wondering if those skills had left the building. There seems to be a good deal of muscle memory there. As far as Ellie, well I was lucky because Mike is taking off two days a week to stay home this month, and those are the two days that I'm working. Mondays and Fridays. Really, this is quite a good gig. Things will pick up more in September but that's then and it's not now.
I have a new fantasy though. Wouldn't it be dreamy to NOT go to work, but rather stay at home and be a full time blogger? Pipe dream I'm sure, but I am starting to slowly investigate this world of making money blogging. I know that people do it. I also know that I LOVE to blog. But this blog probably wouldn't make it. Not enough people know about little old me so there would have to be some tweaking. And so I'm more or less just writing this to help turn my own creative process into something more tangible. After all folks, why the hell not?
As a completely random side note...Ellie and I co-sleep. (Read: she sleeps right next to me.) This is all for the sake of getting a good nights sleep, which I surely do...now. Little Ellie wakes up, I throw her a boob and we're all happy. Trouble is sometimes she loses her latch and starts sucking on my skin while I'm sleeping. I guess this is why I woke up today and there were hickies all over my boobs. If I showered at the gym the ladies might think I was quite the little sexual deviant. And it'd be kind of fun if they weren't from her. But they are. Always from her.
And if anyone cares we are making the switch to cloth diapers today. So look out water bill, we're coming to getcha!

My guru

There are many things in this life of mine that I am blessed for. But one facet in particular are my friends with babies. I never knew this would become so important to me until I had little Ellie. As I've experienced my daily struggles and triumphs, it's so refreshing to have a support system of female mommies who actually care and contribute to this new language I'm talking in.

That said, there is one person in particular who is two steps ahead of me, plowing the road during a winter storm as I drive directly behind her. Said guru is actually my next door neighbor Betsy who has, count em, not one, but TWO infants to take care of. And that alone puts her in a respect bracket that I never knew existed. I soak up her wisdom like a sponge, I really do. Betsy's babies have 2 months on little Ellie, so I always feel like I'm getting a preview. I can't tell you the number of times I've said to Mike, "Betsy said...." and "Betsy does this....." And to think just a few months ago her and I were relishing in our pregnancy bliss sucking down Dairy Queen milkshakes and talking about all the things that were to come, both completely ignorant to How It Really Is.

(Zoe and Jude with Ellie)

Our close proximity has been awesome and I've spent many an afternoon over at this household watching Betsy perform her "circuit". Babies breastfeed (sometimes tandem), burp, change diapers, swing time, bumbo chair to play gym to tummy time to jumping station thingy to change diapers to breastfeeding to nap time. Holy crap! Before you know it literally hours have gone by and I realize I have beads of sweat and I was only spectating, holding my little sleeping baby . Add a little cholic to the situation, a little swine flu (yes, swine flu), make it out to the other side and you are officially.....


A Guru!


I know that Betsy often hears from people "I don't know how you do it". I don't think anybody "knows" how they do it, until its here, and they must. I think it's amazing the amount of strength that a person can muster up when the situation calls for it. Betsy and all you other mamas out there with multiple babies (like Kim), my hat goes off to you. I don't know how you do it.

Oh yeah....come to mama!

I thought to myself last night that perhaps it was wierd that I wanted to go to bed just so I could get up and have my morning cup of coffee. I couldn't wait. Could not wait. Why did the nighttime have to take so darn looooong?

This isn't my first post about my love of coffee, and I think it's safe to say that I'm hooked. That might explain that deep seeded joy that I get when I smell those moutwatering beans. And those days when sometimes, just sometimes, Mike gets up and puts a pot on for me (he hates it...)(I know.) and I feel just like a cartoon with the smell hitting my nose and essentially pulling me out of bed like a rope was attached to me. My mom once said it was like having a warm hug and I thought you know, that mom, she's on to something there.

But I know why I love it. Because, well not only does it taste good, it means something. It means a fresh start, a new day. That morning cup says that the day is my oyster, and that cup of coffee is setting it up. And I love fresh starts. Especially the coffee flavored kind.

Our little traveler

Man nothing heals the downtrodden psyche like a little vacation. Wow do I love vacation! Being away from the house, away from bills, away from dirty piles of whatever, seeing new places. It's healing and I needed it! And I/we got it!

Little Eleanor got to take her first trip to Maine, the place where her mama grew up. I love Maine. To me it is the best place to go for a vacation (and wonderful to live in as well). She got to see the ocean, the woods, tons of family and friends, but sadly no Moose. Though we certainly tried on that one.

Ellie rocked it on the plane. She slept the whole time and only woke up to nurse. She rocked it on the trip as well. She was passed around to so many different family members, was completely out of her normal routine, yet was rarely fussy. Yes, I am lucky. I fully acknowledge this. Of course much of the trip was spent in her Moby wrap (see picture above). This wrap is a lifesaver. It keeps her calm, warm, and it keeps her away from strange hands wanting to touch her and pick her up. Sometimes that gets very annoying!

In short, vacation = perfect reminder that life exists outside of my own self-imposed stresses!

The namesake

My little Eleanor Grace has a namesake. It's my grandmother Eleanor Grace Lent, or as I've always known her, "Nannie". She's a real special lady; caring, kind, outgoing, storyteller, good person. I'm proud that my daughter is named after her.

This past weekend the two finally got to meet.

Where am I?

I'm on vacation.

Where you need to beware of crossing Moose.
Where you may find yourself in traffic with tractors.
Where you check into a cabin and they don't even have a key for it.
Where you can say you had a good meal if you have butter stains all over your shirt.
You might be related to the people you meet.
You might see people wearing matching tshirts. With wolves on them.
Where peak season isn't summer. It's snowmobiling season.
Where you wave to oncoming traffic.
Where you pick up a couple pickled eggs when you fill up your car.
Where your rental car could be 1997 Geo Prism with roaches in the ashtray.

Where am I?

In due time

There's a time and a place
 
where the mundane will seem big
where the inevitable will take you by surprise
where impossible happens.
where you think you know, but don't
where the shininess erodes,
where thoughts become actions.
where familiar becomes strange
where the fun becomes boring
where the mirror reflects changes
where the hard stuff gets easy


I'm sick of the bitching posts. I've got too much to be thankful for.

You have GOT to be kidding me.

They talk about this thing called "mommy brain". It's like the excuse that always fits no matter the situation. "Sorry I didn't put the gas in the car, I have mommy brain. " Or "sorry I didn't call you back, I have mommy brain". Or "sorry if I've grossly offended you. I have mommy brain". It's the perfect excuse that no one can contend with. Kind of like in high school when you conveniently had your period everytime you got into trouble.

But yesterday I really had mommy brain. I was in such a funk. I could hardly finish a sentence, I was dazed. I was extremely overprotective of Ellie since yesterday's blog sesh. I had no sense of humor. I was just kind of numb, going through the motions but not feeling very much. I was in such a funk in fact, that as I was getting my moisturizer out of the medicine cabinet like I do every morning, it slipped and fell from my fingers. It slipped into the sink and this is what happened:

I broke the friggen sink. Our only bathroom sink. And so now we can't use any water in the bathroom until this little problem gets fixed. And Mike and I are about to learn how to remove and replace a sink. Lucky us.
Damn mommy brain.

the best and the worst

My new favorite thing to do is to scout out and read on new parenting blogs. For the first time ever I feel an alliance with these mystery women writers, and I find myself feeling emotions right along side them. I want to know about their struggles and their joys. I want to know because I'm right there with them, unknowingly seeking support in this very peculiar form of camaraderie...the blog.

That said, I discovered Gorillabuns and The Spohrs (thanks to Jonniker) and this morning suddenly became engrossed in the lives of these women, and my heart is literally aching as I have followed their journey of losing their children.

It's hard to fathom such a nightmare. Ever since that moment Eleanor was born and I heard that first cry, this new emotion formed inside of me that I had never experienced. It is love, but it is an intense and almost painful love, like your heart has been removed from your chest and now exists in this little tiny creature who is, so amazingly, your daughter. Her face, I stare at it. All day. She is truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

And though it can't be healthy to go thinking like this, I have spent my morning consumed in these tragedies, so I have gotten myself a bit worked up. These blogs contain the stories that are literally my worst nightmare. And so my heart is pouring over for these women. These strong, brave, terribly unlucky women. And I just pray that these stories never, ever happen to me and my Eleanor.

That said, my SIDS patrol just kicked into a new gear. I've had a terrible habit of letting Ellie nap on our bed, and even though there are never pillows around, this unsafe practice can not continue. Also we can no longer leave our little munchkin on the couch, even if leaving the room for a split second. Her legs are getting STRONG and she's already able to roll over. The fan, always on. The pacifier, let her have it. This evilness that is SIDS, that we don't really understand, I heed all of the advice to prevent it. Because I can say, and I don't mean to sound over dramatic, I literally don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to her.

And so yes, this is a drag of a blog today, but as a NEW mom, this is the shit that goes through my head. And so thanks blog for letting me talk about it, and then letting me move on from it. Because Eleanor IS here, and she is so beautiful, and perfect, and healthy, and thank you God for such a miracle. I truly, truly feel blessed, every single day.

The beauty of maternity leave

Today I woke up at 10:30.
I won't lie to you, I'm conditioned to see a number like that flashing on the clock and feel an immediate sense of panic. OMG, surely I've slept through something and in the very least I've missed what could have been the most important portion of the day. But then I remind myself of the difficulty baby had sleeping last night, how much of the night was spent "sleeping" on the couch because the only thing to make baby stop crying was her swing. So lucky me really. I got to sleep in.

Typically sleeping isn't terrible since we started co-sleeping. Once baby starts stirring in the middle of the night, I just turn her and put a boob in her mouth and she goes right back to sleep. This makes the whole procedure relatively easy, as I am able to sleep (well relax) while she nurses. This is a far cry from the days where nursing meant sitting straight up, getting the boppy, making a boob sandwich with one hand while holding my baby with the other, making it such a fiasco of a process that undoubtedly baby would wake up and we'd have to start nighttime all over again. Yes, we've come far.

Which reminds me, does anyone else's baby GRUNT as much as mine does? Her middle of the night wakeups now have become one big gruntfest, so bad that I've actually caught my husband covering his ears up with a pillow! If her grunting is any indicator of how much she will talk, then we've got ourselves quite a little talky talkerson on our hands.

While getting up at 1030 is all well and good, I have to remind myself that I go back to work on August 3rd. That was deliciously far away for so long, but sadly, it's not so anymore. Sure it will be nice to make money and to do things that are outside of the role of "mommy". But the idea of missing portions of her life is heartbreaking to me. Fortunately I'm only going back half time. But going back to work reminds me that I really must start thinking of a sleep schedule. Or at least attempting to initiate one. At some point. Sleeping in until 1030 doesn't fly so well when you have sick patients that need you.

Anyway, look at the time. It's almost noon. I suppose I ought to start the day.

What we did today

Today I have a whole list of errands I need to do, none of them ginormous or anything...things like go to the post office, go to the store. But there are about 5 things on the list. FIVE THINGS!

Being a new mom does make me extra cautious, and leaving the house now requires factoring in so many variables. Is it too hot? Is it naptime? Can I get this done before the next feeding? Stroller, sling or carseat? Will the baby be fussy? To have 5 things to do is borderline overwhelming. So far a trip to the post office has equalled "what we did today". I know. Kind of pathetic.

I need to start sucking it up and rejoin the world. Yes, it will be a huge hassle. No, it will never be time efficient. Yes she may be fussy in public. Yes I may have to breastfeed away from the house. But there is a growing list of things that need to be done and I suppose I ought to start getting to it. We've been in a fine little cocoon here in new baby land. Time to check out the rest of the world!

Bringing dorkiness to a new level

Hey if you can't make fun of yourself than you'd be crying a whole lot.....

queenbloggy...adventures in miscellany is CHANGING

I've thought long and hard about this and here's the thing: my life is not filled with miscellany anymore. I don't have fun and random quips to share about miscellany, and if I do I'm sure I can circle them right back around to where this blog is inevitably headed. Queenbloggy...adventures in motherhood.

I was a little naive going into this mommy business. I thought that yeah, life will change, sure, that's fine. But I'll still be the same Summer, the same fun, fit, quirky girl that I've always been.

WRONG.

With baby comes a new identity. Who am I kidding? This little tiny awesome baby is literally the focus of my life now. And the craziest thing is that for this little person, I am the most important person in hers. And that is very serious business. And yes I'm up for it, but am I the same? Hell no. Am I okay with it? Well, that's a silly question.

So let me just say that I love and adore my perfect little daughter. This is indisputable. But this mama has lots to say about what's happening to ME. Lots. So expect more posts.

I don't have tons of readers, and I may lose some by declaring this blog mommy-friendly, but I don't care. I can't hide the truth: I'm a mommy now.

Welcome to my new blog.

Are you supposed to love breastfeeding?

Ok, yes it is definitely neat that my body makes milk that I can give my baby. I like that I can nourish her with milk that has everything that her little body needs. That is really awesome! (I also like the fact that it's made from the FAT in my body. Keep it coming!)

But there are times, oh yes there are times, when I do NOT like feeling like a cow. As adorable as her little head is on my boob, I would be lying if I said that I didn't some times dread feeding time. And yet it keeps on coming. again. and again.

Hard to believe that these milk-producing sand bags used to be...omg, sexual. If any lay-person could see me now as I go about my day there jaws would be on the ground. Look at Summer, as she cooks her meal, as she vacuums the floor, as she brushes her teeth. Just please don't mind that her boobs are hanging out, laying out of the perfect little hole these fun nursing bras create. (What's the point in covering them up when they're just going to be whipped out for baby's enjoyment in a moment's time?) And what is this crazy machine that she has strapped to her boobs so often throughout the day? The one with the little funnels on the end that suck suck suck your nipples up to drain the milk? It's the breast pump but be careful, you can become mesmerized with watching the humungous nipples being sloshed up through the plexiglass. Very, very sexy.

And if you're visually impaired you will still experience the beauty of being around a breastfeeder. The sour milk smell seems to be a part of my personal cologne now. These bad boys have even started leaking (a new phenomena for those that know I was once milk supply challenged). You may not be able to see the stains on my specially modified shirts, but you sure as hell can smell them!

Oh yes, breastfeeding is a hoot.

Just cause

They tell you things will change...and they were right.

Mike, Ellie and I just enjoyed a much needed weekend away. We went to Keystone and stayed in a fabulous condo and went to the World Music Festival. It was great...so nice to know that there is actually a world outside of our house. But as we enjoyed the weekend I couldn't help but notice how much things had changed for us. At this stage of parenting, there is just so much we can't do. We couldn't bike. Hiking was tricky. I couldn't drink because I'm breastfeeding. Where I would normally be dancing and having a grand old time in the sun at the festival, I found myself hovering in the shade to protect Eleanor's precious, always sleeping head. I remember looking over at Mike, as we sat in our shady spot, him doing a crossword puzzle, and thinking how far away we were from where we were last summer and the things that we did. Truth be told? I was kind of bored.

None of this is to complain. I wouldn't trade anything for Eleanor. I look at her and my heart melts. Even when she's fussy beyond belief and we are at our wit's end...she still lights up my heart. Sometimes she falls asleep on my chest and I sit and notice how my heart could literally burst with love for her. There are no words for that.

But the the differences in our lives are very evident. Our social networks are changing. I'm consistently late. Getting out the door is quite the fiasco. Finding time to workout is tricky at best. Spontaneity is not a word we use around here. Not now anyway.

Soon she will be bigger, sitting upright and taking it all in. She is still so new now. But I really look forward to her excitement for life and all of its new discoveries. There is absolutely nothing boring about that!

Greetings from my royal throne!!!

Ok, maybe not a royal throne, it's the couch actually, and this is where I am camped out. Being a new breastfeeding mom has really relegated me to to this little corner. And you'd know it's mine because at all times its covered with Martha Stewart magazines, my water bottle, my phone, remote controls, my PUMP, napkins, a clock, baby books and various other crap. This is where I spend, I'm guessing, about 30-40 hours a week (at least). This is a new kind of life for me now, well the Mom one for sure, but I'm talking about the sitting one. Baby's gotta eat and baby sure don't eat fast! So now there are new little things that keep me entertained:

• - pumping. I'm not a huge fan per se but if you're pumping and you hit one of those little milk resevoirs, well I'm sorry, that's almost as good as getting a really great blackhead. Almost.
• - True Blood. This is one hell of a good show (HBO) and (sorry Mike) I have an obscene teenage-like crush on the lead vampire. Oh my.
• - Facebook. Hate to love it, love to hate it.
• - Sex and the City reruns. I don't care how often I've seen it, those shows keep me so entertained. And one show = one feed just about. Good for the middle of the night feed.
• - Here's the big one: I went and bought the camera I have been lusting after for months!!!! So now I have to figure out how to use it.

Let's be clear. I'm not a total couch potato right now. I've got stuff to do and I try to get out and exercise at least once a day. But this (albeit temporary...I hope!) lifestyle of couch living seems to be the way I roll these days. So excuse me, the couch/baby is calling and I've got a perfect indentation of my ass to greet me!

Mama missed this more.

Being a mom is full time work, no doubt. And I have loved every second of it. But I won't lie to you, I've been poorly trying to ignore the glaring truth of what happened to my body after Eleanor. Who's mushy stomach is this? Who's marshmallow-y legs am I walking on?

The time has come to fight the bulge. Today I attempted my first run. Okay, jog. I still haven't met my 6-weeks ok from my doctor (it's been 4 weeks) but I trust my own intuition about my body than some arbitrary date. So I put the techno back on my ipod (I know, it's an exercise thing, I don't normally listen to techno) strapped those old New Balances to my feet and my God...it felt so GOOD!!! I didn't go far, and I have a long way to go to get back to my pre-pregnancy fitness, but still, there was sweat. And I really missed sweating. More than that I missed that beautiful high that you get when it's just you, the outside, and your own perseverance. This is what keeps me healthy, physically, but oh so mentally as well.

Other things that make today totally awesome:
- there are no tornado watches and it looks like no rain!
- the milk is here!
- I'm getting a haircut
- Mike has the day off
- I have the cutest baby I've ever seen

AMEN!

My little social butterfly

Little Eleanor (and her mommy) are blessed to have so many babies around to play with...all born within months (and even days) of each other! So far the social playtime has included grunting, eating, some cooing, and lots and lots of naps.

I'd love to see a snapshot of one year from now...

Eleanor with Jude and Zoe

Claire and Eleanor

Eleanor and Cyril

tough decision

Well after a lot of debate and thought and brainstorming it is with some sadness in my heart to write that Jackie Brown has left our family. She has returned to the no-kill shelter from which we got her. There were a number of reasons why this decision was made. Jackie is not really a "family" dog. She's not fond of other dogs and she's not fond of children. But the biggest reason is that she has a history of nipping at several people that have come to our home. My new parent defenses are too guarded now to forget this. It just takes once, and we can't let that happen.

But despite these reasons, I have to say that Jackie is a great dog, truly. She loved us fiercely, especially Mike. There are real voids in our home now and there is definite sadness attached to that. There's no dog to greet us at the door and no furry animal trying to bury her head on your lap.

I do believe this was the best decision. I know she is sad right now and that is the hardest part of all of this. I am praying that Jackie finds the perfect home.and that the sadness is soon replaced with joy for her new owners. We miss her, we really do. But in the long run, we did what we felt we had to do.

It does suck though.

Mama missed this.

I can't have too much of you, but it sure is nice having you around again.

Happy Birthday to my favorite husband!

34 years ago this amazing and beautiful person was born. I couldn't love him more!

Tonight we're celebrating by going out to dinner. And yes we will have a babysitter! For a couple of hours anyway. Then I'm sure we will be more than ready to get back home to our awesome daughter, who is also a Gemini. Like her mommy and daddy! Look out world!!


Happy Birthday baby!

Still here

I've had several people tell me to get on with the blogging and post something new. There are two reasons why I've been slacking on this. a) because being a new mom is so much more time consuming then I ever thought possible and b) because I don't want to bury my last entry. My last entry was the best entry I've ever written and the best moment I've ever experienced. And now all other entries send that one stellar entry down south to no-man's land on the blog. Sigh.

So it's day 8 of Eleanor's life and I had no idea things would change this much. I wasn't prepared for the anxiety, the oh-my-god-she-hasn't-moved-in-over-a-minute feeling. I wasn't prepared for the emotion, for the intense, rock your world LOVE that would occur. I could sit and look at her for hours, studying every grimace, every crevice on her beautiful baby skin, listening to every coo. She is so totally awesome.

But there have been struggles. Number one being my MILK. It seems that my milk is here, but not a whole lot. I've never felt engorgement or let down. This has really led to some feelings of inadequacy. Of course I want to be able to provide nourishment for my baby as nature intended. But apparently I have to work a little harder at this than others. So now I have rented a hospital grade breast pump. When Ellie wants to eat I feed her from breast as normal, then pump, then give her the supplemental milk that I create. It's very time consuming; about an hour per feed. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. The experience of breastfeeding is very important to me. However this lifestyle certainly can't be maintained for a super long time. So I'm just praying to the milk gods to please give me a little extra attention right now.

I cry a lot. And I'm not really sad. I'm told that this milk production business really messes with your hormones, so I'm attributing much of the crying to that. Plus there's the lack of sleep, the quintessential new mom phenomena which has not escaped me. It's amazing how well you (think you) can rally on very little sleep. Which probably yields to the crying. And then there's that little precious nugget of love that you realize you'd do anything for. And that feeling makes me cry because I don't know what else to do with that emotion. So I cry it out. Kind of wierd.

So if you saw me 10 days ago, and you saw me today, you would have to notice the changes. I'm not pregnant (!) for one, and for two I've become a different person. I'm a mom now. And I see the world through these new mom eyes. I think of things as how they will affect myelf and my daughter. If you could look inside my body you would find a heart that was so engorged with love that you wouldn't even recognize it as my own. And that's the way I feel. Overcome. Overfilled. Overtired. Overjoyed.

and then there were three...

I have a daughter. Her name is Eleanor Grace Nicklasson. She has the most beautiful chubby face, a little button nose from her father, inquiring eyes that melt my heart. She was born this morning at 0118. She arrived on her due date, perfectly ready to join the world.

The birth story
Thursday morning I woke up depressed. I was through with work, mom was still staying at the house waiting for me to have a baby, I was uncomfortably pregnant, anxious. I slept in until 11am.

At 2:30 I saw a nurse practitioner at my ob clinic. Upon examination she found me to be 6 cm dilated, 100% effaced and with bulging membranes. She called me at home soon after our appt. After having talked with one of the doctors, she was advising me to go to the labor and delivery deck, to the observation unit, as I was a high risk of having quick labor, potentially at home. I happily called Mike to come home and got our bags together. Let's get this show on the road!

At the hospital, once hooked up to the monitors, I realized I was having contractions. I had actually probably been having them for a while, but they only caused me discomfort, never pain, so I did not pay them much heed. The doctor on call, a lovely doctor whom I instantly liked, discussed rupturing my membranes. I knew this procedure meant that labor would be imminent, so it did not take long to decide to move forward with this. She ruptured my membranes at 7:30pm. Her assessment found me to be 5cm dilated.

Things picked up quickly from there. My contractions became stronger and more frequent. I breathed through them with focused breathwork, aware of the growing pain in my uterus. But soon the intensity changed. The pain became excrutiating, contractions were coming within a minute of each other. I became a different person, unknowing of anything that was going on except the intense pain within my body. I howled, I moaned, I clutched. I could do nothing but lay in a fetal position while my body and mind writhed, struggling to get past each peak. After 2 hours of this the resident checked my cervix and found me to be 5.5 cm dilated. I had only gained half a centimeter of progress. This news broke me and finally I asked for the epidural. No, begged for the epidural. I could not handle that amount of intensity for what could potentially be hours to get me to 10 cm.

After the epidural the labor dynamic changed immensely. I left the place of excrutiating pain and came back into the birthing space. I was able to engage with Mike, my mother and the labor team. It was miracle medicine, pure and simple. 45 minutes later when the nurse checked my cervix she said the I was fully dilated and it was time to push. I had gained almost 5 cm of progress within 45 minutes of epidural!

I pushed for about 3o minutes. Mike and my mom were both holding my legs coaching and supporting me. The room became full of anticipation and excitement as this baby began making her way into our world. And then she arrived! They placed her almost immediately on my stomach and the moment became a forever moment, the kind of moment that contained nothing less than pure magic. I looked at her, this being that I had nourished and loved for 9 months inside of my belly. She was alive and beautiful and perfect and in that moment I knew that everything had changed. Love took on a new meaning, a meaning that was so acute, so real, that it almost hurt. My life was no longer my own.

What has followed in these 24 hours has been magical and completely consuming. A world outside of this little girl is so far, far away.


Eleanor Grace Nicklasson was born at 0118 on May 22, 2009. She weighed 8 lbs 1 ounce.

Attention pregnant ladies

This message is for any women who are about to enter the childbirth waiting game: that awful space starting at 37 weeks and ending with labor.
Now I've done a lot of internet research about ways to potentially induce labor, and I've tried several. Here's a little list of all of the things that I have personally proved to myself DON'T work.

• spicy foods
• walking (though it does feel like progress is being made with all the pressure you feel)
• sex
• evening primrose oil
• red raspberry tea
• having your "membranes stripped"
• nipple stimulation (ok something happens here. Lots of cramping, discomfort. No labor)
• accupressure points

Turns out patience is the only thing that will get you there. Mother Nature probably just chuckles when you try to speed up the process with all of this other hubbabaloo!!

all of those "huh" moments

Life is funny. I think a lot of life we are reaching for things we do not have, or places we would like to be, or circumstances we would like to have happen. And I think that in that longing you lose a little from where you currently are.

Work has been historically really stressful and busy for me. But now I'm down to very few patients and I could go all day with just a few emails. Sometimes I look down at my phone, which I have cursed so many times, and think, huh. No one needs me right now. Wierd.
And this whole childbirth biz. It's no secret I've been completely impatient about meeting my little girl. And so here I sit in my house, alone, nothing really important to do, the whole day to myself really. And so I think, huh. Maybe I should be enjoying this.
And then there's the pregnancy, which is a beautiful thing but I certainly have done my complaining throughout all of it. But one day very soon there will be no baby in my belly, and I have a hunch that I'll put my hand down there like I so often do and there will be no little kick to great me. And I'll probably think, huh. I'm alone in my body again. Wierd.

And so my lesson for right now is to be present in the situations that I am currently in. Everything is temporary and perhaps it won't be long until I long for this again.

Ready?

Bag packed? Check! Baby in good position? Check! Cameras charged? Check! Labor music mix? Check! Baby clothes? Check! Cell phone charged? Check!


38 weeks pregnant

I'll be sure to keep ya'll posted!!

I thought for sure I would love this movie...

and I did! The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was wonderful, heartfelt and such a sweet little story. I highly recommend it next time you're lining up your Netflix queue.

Size DOES matter!

I'm big. People don't even pretend to not notice this belly. People come up to me like we've been friends for years, asking me about the baby. People are always helping me carry things, offering me seats, letting me get in front of them in the restroom line! In some ways, pregnancy is great! I've never gotten so much attention.
Boy I sure can't wait to see what happens to my big belly when little baby is in my arms. Does it just turn soft and mushy? What about those abdominal muscles that were so rudely shoved aside? What's it going to feel like with my new-found void, with no little feet to poke me in the ribs?

I've been walking every day. Today I walked long, hard and fast. The weather is gorgeous and me and this belly went cruising through the park, ignoring all of the belly glances, blasting the walkman. I even passed people today; I had so much darn energy.

But still I'm here and I feel no different. I know she's coming, but she's going to get LOTS of walks in the meantime to try to speed the process along.

How to have a lovely wedding with little cost

Go to a pretty park.
Find a friend who is a pastor to marry you.

Ask someone you know to perform the music. (my mom)


Keep the wedding party very small...

But full of very wonderful people...............



Have great friends who will host your reception for you....

Make all your own decorations. Martha Stewart is very helpful here.

Make a friend who is a baker....

Write a pretty song to sing for your new husband...

But realize if you're pregnant you might have some trouble getting through it...

And most importantly, find the perfect person to marry.

I know I sure did.

I love you Mike!